{"id":2432,"date":"2011-08-17T13:35:17","date_gmt":"2011-08-17T20:35:17","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.heatherbarton.com\/?p=2432"},"modified":"2025-11-02T20:18:20","modified_gmt":"2025-11-03T03:18:20","slug":"i-ask-once-i-dont-ask-twice","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.heatherbarton.com\/?p=2432","title":{"rendered":"I Ask Once. I Don’t Ask Twice"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>This has always been the way I do things.\u00a0 If I need help or want company or want something you can provide I’m not hesitant to ask.\u00a0 But I don’t ask twice.<\/p>\n

Perhaps its my pride that doesn’t like to wheedle or whine.\u00a0 Perhaps its because I watched my father laze around the house while my mother over-worked herself & assumed she’d asked for help and he’d refused.\u00a0 Setting me up for the concept that men don’t help.\u00a0 Perhaps it was because I wasn’t popular or pretty or noticed in school.<\/p>\n

But I have this complex that feels if I am valued by you, then you should offer, should WANT to be there\/do that for me.<\/p>\n

Now, I’m a realist!\u00a0 I will ask, in case you don’t realize I need help.\u00a0 Or I’ll bitch, just a bit, about the circumstance.\u00a0 Which is the female version of dropping a HUGE hint in your lap. \u00a0 And I won’t ask for inappropriate things, like money. \u00a0 If you can’t or say no, I’m cool with that.\u00a0 Everyone has that right and I’ve certainly gotten lots of “No”, “I’m sorry”, & “I can’t” in my 48 years.<\/p>\n

After all, hearing this a lot in my life has taught me to be self reliant.\u00a0 I’ve learned that the best person to give me what I want in life, is myself.\u00a0 No one is going to hand it to me.\u00a0 That is the positive spin on it.\u00a0 This fact and philosophy has made be a do-er.<\/p>\n

The negative spin on it is there is this little girl inside who feels that when someone loves her, truly loves her<\/em>, that they do anything to try and give her what she wants and make her happy.\u00a0 Even if all that is, is to be there for her. \u00a0 This is most likely the cause of “Daddy Issues” in women.\u00a0 Because it’s really an unrealistic expectation of ANY human being from another, much less a male to a female!<\/p>\n

My father was the opposite of this “give to those you love” in his marriage to my mother. Which was ironic since my mother was the shining example of it. \u00a0 And so I was taught that men are lazy, too dense to notice, or just didn’t care enough to be there for their partners.\u00a0 If he couldn’t do it for my mother (the best woman in the world in my child eyes) then how could I bother asking him to do it for me.\u00a0\u00a0 So I learned early on that if I wanted things I had to get them for myself.\u00a0 I rarely asked and I never asked twice.\u00a0 No was no.\u00a0 And an excuse was the same as no.<\/p>\n

I remember being bemused over hearing my father ranting about the fact I had holes in my underwear.\u00a0 (I have no idea how old I was.)\u00a0 But I do remember wondering what the big deal was.\u00a0 We couldn’t afford ANYTHING, barely putting food on the table because slacker had such a bad work ethic he kept losing jobs.\u00a0 Who cared that a piece of clothing no one would ever see was a little worn.\u00a0 It was still serviceable and who had money for new things!\u00a0 My parents couldn’t buy me the outer clothes I soooo wanted, why would they bother with underwear?\u00a0 (Ooops.. my issues are showing!)<\/p>\n

When I married I didn’t have illusions of romantic love.\u00a0 I chose a man I thought I could get along with who I thought valued me and wouldn’t hesitate to give me what I asked for.\u00a0\u00a0 And he did a decent job of that initially.\u00a0 While he was in the Army we had enough money that I could be a stay at home mother to our kids.\u00a0 (although I couldn’t JUST do that so tried my hand at selling Tupperware & Discovery Toys, lol)<\/p>\n

But when he retired and went from career to career and I went to work, I suddenly found myself with my mother’s life.\u00a0 I worked & brought in a good salary AND I was the primary parent (cuz I was good at it) AND I did all the housework, cooking, etc.\u00a0\u00a0 When I asked his opinion, (i.e. for help) his reply, because he didn’t have an opinion, would be to just say “yes” to the two or three choices I gave him.\u00a0 So I learned he couldn’t be helpful when I needed help and he learned I didn’t need help because I was doing it all successfully.<\/p>\n

It is really no surprise the marriage ended!\u00a0 What did I need him for?\u00a0 I was already doing it all.\u00a0 And training the kids to be my helpers.\u00a0 He was just a tenant paying rent.<\/p>\n

And so my relationships have become friendships with men.\u00a0 And I learn that, once again, I can easily see how I’m valued by the reactions I get when I ask.\u00a0 If they stand me up on a meet or a date, I’m valued at zero… or they value themselves at zero.\u00a0 Either way, I don’t ask twice.\u00a0 If I sent them a text asking if they are free for a play night… well, if they reply that they aren’t I may ask ONCE more but only once. lol\u00a0 If they don’t reply, well.\u00a0 I’ll never ask again.<\/p>\n

And Sex God.\u00a0 Sigh.\u00a0 I know in the value chart I’m #5 on his list.\u00a0 Work, kids, Ex-wife, pets then me.\u00a0 I understand the value chart, its reality & we’re long distance.\u00a0 And as much as we may call each other BF\/GF… we’re just really close friends.\u00a0 It doesn’t mean I have to like the fact my value is so low.\u00a0\u00a0 I asked him for one weekend a month.\u00a0 Just one.\u00a0 Last weekend.\u00a0 I got one night of it.\u00a0 Technically if you don’t count the sleeping I got 3 hours! \u00a0 lol\u00a0 Work took half of Friday, all of Saturday and then his Ex-wife took Sunday.\u00a0 Work he has little control over, but the Ex wife gets him 3 weekends a month, she couldn’t wait 7 days?<\/p>\n

Hurts… but value lesson learned.\u00a0 Learned indeed, as this is not the first time.\u00a0 Since I cannot (ok… I WILL not) whine or beg or ask again to try & change my value I can only change my reaction to it.\u00a0 Reduce the hurt by accepting the situation, realize that even asking will not get me what I want.\u00a0 And step back from my investment.\u00a0\u00a0 Signs are clear, I’ve tried to accommodate, I’m just not sure how its working for me.<\/p>\n

In any case, there are others to play with who value time with me.\u00a0 And perhaps I’ll throw a little extra energy to my kids.\u00a0 Certainly couldn’t hurt the little rascals!\u00a0\u00a0 They need to see me happy & being un-valued is the biggest destroyer of that for me.<\/p>\n

So I’m doing it for my kids!\u00a0 Yeeaaahhh…. THAT’s the reason! \ud83d\ude09<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This has always been the way I do things.\u00a0 If I need help or want company or want something you can provide I’m not hesitant to ask.\u00a0 But I don’t ask twice. Perhaps its my pride that doesn’t like to … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2432","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-just-ramblings"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.heatherbarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2432","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.heatherbarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.heatherbarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.heatherbarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.heatherbarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2432"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"http:\/\/www.heatherbarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2432\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3072,"href":"http:\/\/www.heatherbarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2432\/revisions\/3072"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.heatherbarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2432"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.heatherbarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2432"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.heatherbarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2432"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}