I have two married friends who are both going through a \u00a0similar situation in their lives.\u00a0 There isn’t any more sexual spark in their relationship with their spouse. \u00a0Now when you’re single, this is no big deal.\u00a0 You discuss it, see if the other party wants to do something to change it and if they chooses not to, you leave.\u00a0 But when you’re married (particularly when you also have children) you can’t just get up and leave, you’ve made a “life” decision.\u00a0\u00a0 And there’s a legal document.\u00a0 (Another reason I think marriage is a crock in our modern society… but that’s me.)\u00a0 So you want to try and “work it out.”<\/p>\n
This is what I hear from my friends (who I love and adore by the way) “I’ve kinda lost interest in him sexually.”\u00a0 or “We never have sex anymore and if we do its bad.”\u00a0 or\u00a0 “His idea of making an effort is to touch my boob.”\u00a0 (btw… from my male friends I’ve heard, “I don’t think I’m monogamous, one woman isn’t enough.”)<\/p>\n
Like any good therapist (cuz as a trusted friend who’s been through something similar, I’m somehow a good therapist lol) I ask a lot of questions before I open the discussion on solutions.\u00a0 The first one is… Have you talked to him about this?\u00a0\u00a0 Particularly have you talked to him in a counseling session, because nothing gets resolved in a partnership unless their is talking, lots and lots of talking.<\/p>\n
But before, if you can or during at the very least, the talking you have to be prepared for what you want to discuss.\u00a0 You have to ask yourself a lot of prep questions.\u00a0 Have you made a list of EXACTLY what you wish he’d change, with DETAILS?… cuz men need instructions… even though they “like figuring it out” they suck at it.\u00a0\u00a0 And what are YOU willing to do to change if he needs it from you?\u00a0 How old are the kids?\u00a0 (cuz if they’re too little you may need him… but having them see a negative relationship as their example of marriage when they are past the youngest’s age of 5 is NOT doing them any good.\u00a0 Children are happy when their parents are happy… whether they are together or not.\u00a0 Its when parents are unhappy that is the most damaging for kids and I don’t know if parents together or apart is any different damage.)<\/p>\n
A little back story….\u00a0 My parents were not that happy together. But we didn’t see it as unhappy in their relationship.. we just saw unhappy parents.\u00a0\u00a0 And that was because they also didn’t see their own unhappiness, nor the fact they were just mirroring the dysfunction of their own parents’ marriages.\u00a0 (Another reason to divorce… break the fecking cycle!!)\u00a0 When they finally realized it and divorced (not a pretty divorce either) us kids were 21, 19 & 16.<\/p>\n
When I finally married past my 30’s\u00a0 (so old enough to know myself & be without “Disney Delusions” about relationships) I had no idea I would somehow STILL pick a man who put me into a marriage like my parents…. good friends, but not romantically there for each other.\u00a0\u00a0 When my last kid was solidly in school I came up for air from Mommyhood & looked at my life.\u00a0 And didn’t love or respect my partner.\u00a0\u00a0 So I asked myself all these LIFE questions…\u00a0 What did I miss in my life?\u00a0 What did I want my future to be?\u00a0 Could he give it to me?\u00a0 Was it fair to ask?\u00a0 And the ultimate question….\u00a0 do I give up MY desires for the sake of staying together?<\/p>\n
That is the hardest question, particularly for women & mothers.\u00a0 As self-sacrificial beings (which comes with Motherhood) we often just bury it and go on.\u00a0 THAT is what our mothers & grandmothers did.\u00a0 But today is a different world.\u00a0 Yesterday we NEEDED a man to support us and our children.\u00a0 Today that need is much, much less, cuz we have options, we can work, we can get legal support, etc.\u00a0\u00a0 Yesterday you or your husband might die at 40 or 50… yea, not so much today!\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 So as much as it feels like a betrayal to want out of a marriage or maybe into a different type of marriage, you must not deny your feelings out of guilt.\u00a0\u00a0 Denial will not make them go away.\u00a0 Emotions are like garbage… burying it just makes it rot… but if you sort it, air it, recycle or reuse what you can & compost the rest you don’t get that smell.<\/p>\n
Both of my friends have been dealing with these issues of theirs for some time.. one for years and the other for many, many months.\u00a0\u00a0 But its come to a head for them both because they’ve met someone… and now suddenly the unhappiness is a huge, giant elephant in their room.\u00a0\u00a0 Because they have something to compare their husbands to.\u00a0 And so they come to me.\u00a0 Because I took the step.\u00a0 I divorced.\u00a0\u00a0 And because I’m Poly and more understanding of individuals and have practically a harem of “friends” and therefore will never judge a person for their decisions based on my own morality.\u00a0 Plus, I love them and will advocate FOR them.<\/p>\n
Now lets set a truth here.\u00a0 Marriage is WAY different from courtship.\u00a0\u00a0 Duh.\u00a0 Marriage after kids is ALSO one more step removed from that.\u00a0\u00a0 Both our bodies change & desire may wane… worse.. some cannot reconcile the Mother\/Father role we are now in with the Lust\/Courtship roles of the early relationship.\u00a0 This is what happens.\u00a0 Sometimes is immediate and sometimes its over time.\u00a0 And add to that we also just get comfortable.\u00a0 But there is ALSO another factor in that comfort most people don’t perceive.\u00a0 We KNOW them so well there is no more excitement or new interest.\u00a0 THAT is the biggest lure of the “other man\/woman”.\u00a0 Here is an individual who doesn’t know us.\u00a0 They aren’t so comfortable with us that they no longer SEE our sparkle, our specialness, our amazing value.\u00a0\u00a0 THAT is the real lure… not necessarily the man or woman themselves.<\/p>\n
When I was first coming into myself I met a man on a plane.\u00a0 David.\u00a0 The connection was bloody amazing.\u00a0 He was the first who saw “me”… the real me.\u00a0 Not the wife, mother, employee, daughter, etc., but the flirt with the sparkling humor barely containing the bold seductress.\u00a0 And he liked it.\u00a0 He more than liked it.. he was drawn to it.\u00a0\u00a0 That was heady stuff.\u00a0 Suddenly my life was more exciting.\u00a0 Suddenly I had something to look forward to every day when I woke up.\u00a0 Would I get an email\/letter\/text from David.\u00a0 By comparison my husband was a lump in the corner of the room who’s idea of intimacy or affection was to put his nose to the top of my head, inhale deeply and announce “clean”.\u00a0\u00a0 (and yes.. that is a sad true fact.)<\/p>\n
But before I met David (and I while we shared a “wish things were different” long distance correspondence it never went beyond that)… I was already unhappy in my life.\u00a0 I tried diverting my unhappiness into writing and ended up writing a novel about a woman being single.\u00a0 (gee… duh.)\u00a0 My husband was very supportive.\u00a0 Everyone was… they all responded with a “Oh look, Heather is pursuing her bliss” attitude.\u00a0 Yet in trying to take the writing to the next step, publishing, I realized I missed the character and began to slowly transform myself into her.\u00a0 That was when I realized what I really missed was being single, LIKE her.\u00a0\u00a0 So all my attempts at discovering why I was unhappy led me back to the fact I was married, or rather.. I was NOT single.<\/p>\n
We did the counseling route for 6 months.\u00a0 It was expensive and it did nothing to lessen my desire to be single.\u00a0 It DID reassure me that my overly-dependent husband would survive without me… I mean, listen to all the self growth he was spouting that he was doing at the therapists!! (Which is why men shouldn’t lie in therapy!\u00a0 It can backfire!\u00a0 I think it was his way of showing how he’s changing to save the marriage.\u00a0 To me I just thought, “Yay, he’ll survive without me!”)\u00a0\u00a0 My husband and I didn’t do that well in face to face therapy discussions as I tended to over-verbalize often repeating the point in a variety of versions trying to get feedback that he understood what I was saying and he’d quietly wait until I was done with a stoic expression before trying to respond.\u00a0 So we switched to emails which was surprisingly effective in the conversation as far as sharing our feelings went. \u00a0 I’d make my point… I’d do my best to answer his points and make sure I understood what he was trying to say. \u00a0 And he’d have the ability to take his time to formalize his thoughts into a reply.\u00a0 He’s a VERY smart man but not a “quick” thinker in conversation.<\/p>\n
So when my friend told me how she and her husband had done SOME counseling but couldn’t afford it and how they’ve have sooo many times of discussing this subject of one’s sexual needs over the others I suggested she try the email system.\u00a0 For the passive personality “discussions” often seem like attacks and they shut down.\u00a0 That was the homework I gave her…start the discussions with emails. \u00a0 For my other friend, who is too far away to have a nice sit down… I give her this blog \ud83d\ude00<\/p>\n
After all the stories and the discussions I put it out honestly for my friend.\u00a0\u00a0 “If nothing changes, if the status quo goes on… do you see yourself staying with this man?” \u00a0 “No.” was her very sad reply (cuz she loved him very deeply but the lack of sex was making her hate him.)\u00a0\u00a0 “If you have an affair with or without his consent, you have a 50\/50 risk of destroying the marriage.”\u00a0\u00a0 Then I laid the bombshell… “You have to be true to yourself, yes, but you also owe him honesty.\u00a0 Living a life of unhappiness for another isn’t honoring any vow.\u00a0\u00a0 Tell him up front what you want and if he refuses to give it to you he must give you permission to seek it elsewhere or he’s just being selfish.\u00a0 And why stay with a selfish partner?\u00a0 If you do nothing the marriage will end… if you do something it also might end.\u00a0 Or it might not.”<\/p>\n
The point I made to her was one I realized in my own marriage.\u00a0\u00a0 Life is a growth process.\u00a0 Marriage is a HUGE growth process, as often your partner is your lesson!\u00a0 As you learn about yourself you share these insights with your partner, but if you don’t feel you can, or your partner doesn’t care or doesn’t understand these things you’re learning or doesn’t SHARE your enthusiasm, then your paths begin to grow apart and over time the gap becomes insurmountable.\u00a0 If you want to stay married it takes BOTH parties to work out these growing\/learning moments.\u00a0 It takes honesty about yourself, valuing yourself and valuing the input of your partner.\u00a0 It takes knowing what you are willing to compromise on and what you are not.<\/p>\n
Basically it takes discussion.\u00a0 Lots and lots of discussion.<\/p>\n
I told my friend her own animosity to her husband was restricting his ability to get over his puritan-type raising.\u00a0 Making demands he can’t fulfill because she’s too mad will do nothing to mend the relationship nor get her needs met. \u00a0 She does have an “out” to slake her rising libido & release her tension.\u00a0\u00a0 A safe one and I heard her desires to take the choice.\u00a0 I counseled her to take up the dialogue with her husband but not to put off her safe choice if its what she wants.\u00a0 She was already on this road… being honest with him was their only option to try and save the marriage while she walked it.\u00a0 I later told her to focus NOT on what her husband isn’t doing for her now… but to focus on how much she loves him.\u00a0 To dwell on THAT part of her relationship with him and outsource what he can’t seem to give her.\u00a0 If she truly wants her marriage to survive its growth she has to make loving him, the actually feeling of loving him, replace all the “I’m not getting this” unhappiness.\u00a0 And, sadly, part of that is getting that “I want this..” elsewhere so it ceases to be the elephant crushing the marriage.\u00a0 Will it survive?\u00a0 Who knows… only both parties together can truly save it.<\/p>\n
As to my other friend, who I can’t sit with and have a nice 2 hour discussion on the subject, I can only say, talk, talk, talk.\u00a0 Talk with yourself about exactly what you feel you’re missing.\u00a0 Write up a list of what you think he did that was the “spark” of “before”\u00a0 and really look at it.\u00a0 Can he do this again?\u00a0 DO you still desire him?\u00a0 What can he change to fix that, what can you change to spark him?\u00a0 What is he open to doing to make both of you happy?<\/p>\n
It’s not easy for a hedonist, for a highly sexual and open person to be monogamous.\u00a0 We can love wholeheartedly and singly but often looking, flirting, lusting… its part of our nature and to think we can box it up and set it aside for “monogamy” for “maturity” for other people’s concept of “right” well, it is unrealistic.\u00a0 If you are extremely lucky, like I am with my Sex God, you will find a partner who is just as hedonistic and sexual as yourself and on the same road in life.\u00a0 And you’ll both happily love and for us just as happily avoid monogamy. lol<\/p>\n
This link was an interesting little take on the subject of Sexless Marriages.<\/p>\n