A few weeks ago my kids, Evan and Conor came home from their Easter weekend with their father.\u00a0 And Evan was very upset.\u00a0\u00a0 FACT…. He’s not a social being, just like his father was at his age.\u00a0 Hell, just like I was at his age!\u00a0 And he doesn’t like to socialize in general, much less with people he feels consider him an antisocial sociopath.\u00a0\u00a0 With me and people he feels accepted and comfortable with Evan is a very fun person to be around, in a caustic humor kind of way.\u00a0 It’s not impossible to get him to open up but sarcasm and a mocking tone isn’t the way to do it.\u00a0 Socializing is not something that comes instant and easy for him.\u00a0 His father either does not see this or feels that it is somehow a character flaw that he much change.<\/p>\n
Why was Evan upset THIS time?\u00a0 Because their father and his girlfriend, lets call her Boney, decided to celebrate Easter with an Egg Hunt.\u00a0 Now.. lets set the stage.\u00a0 The people in this household consist of my Ex- Brian (52); his girlfriend Boney (age undetermined… looks over 60) who owns the house; Boney’s daughter (over 20) and sometimes that daughter’s boyfriend; Boney’s son (over 18); and two weekends a month my son Evan (15) and my son Conor (13).\u00a0\u00a0 There are no little kids in this group, so WHY an egg hunt?\u00a0 Because YOU want to have a social gathering.\u00a0 Fine.\u00a0 Do you factor in, encourage empathetically, or even ask the most reticent of social situations member in this household?\u00a0 No, you bully or snark comments.<\/p>\n
Was my son entirely in the right?\u00a0 Absolutely not.\u00a0 Was my Ex entirely in the wrong? No.\u00a0 Did my Ex make is worse by venting at “the court” for what he has to pay to me monthly, the fact he longer gets to claim a kid on his taxes, and makes statements to his sons like “Beware who you marry” on the drive to drop them off? \u00a0 Yes, apparently he does this EVERY TIME the kids get in the car with him.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Do I get to try and repair the emotional damage my Ex does?\u00a0 Yes, every time.\u00a0\u00a0 Does this make getting schoolwork cooperation from Evan more difficult?\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 Is my Ex really bad at parenting?\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0\u00a0 Do I want to have a strong verbal battle with him, his girlfriend, and the principal of her school where she works?\u00a0 Oh yes… very much yes, so much yes it gives me pleasure to think about it.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Do I want to write him a letter\u00a0 with copies to the judge who saw our last court appearance about how insulting his children and their mother to his children drives them to such sadness?\u00a0 Oh yes!<\/p>\n
On this subject, Evan’s solution is to not have to spend any more time with his father, nor with a group of people who he feels hate him.\u00a0\u00a0 People who certainly do not truly understand him nor accept him for who he is.\u00a0 On the one hand I feel sorry for THEM.\u00a0 They don’t get Evan’s wonderfully fun humor because they don’t create a safe, loving, accepting place for it to come out.\u00a0 And it is wonderful, that humor.\u00a0 So wonderful I’ve told him that HE is the son I want taking care of me when I’m old & stroked out.\u00a0\u00a0 (My father and his life after stroke brings this home to me every week when I see him.)<\/p>\n
And who will my Ex have to care for him if HE has a stroke?\u00a0 Assuming he doesn’t get tossed out of the house where he mooches off this girlfriend.\u00a0 Assuming she outlives him.\u00a0\u00a0 He certainly won’t have his older children as he’s pretty well burned his bridges there by his actions, no matter how much I “reinterpret” his probable intentions to them.\u00a0 “Maybe your father mean to say this,” only flies so far with kids, particularly teens.<\/p>\n
Sidebar example….\u00a0 Luke came home from a dinner with sibs and Dad and said “Dad said Autism was not a genetic defect because it would have been bred away by now.”\u00a0 After a lengthy discussion of the falsehood of that statement and how genetics have A LOT of disorders you would think would have been “bred out”.\u00a0 I then turned to Luke and said, “Maybe what your father is trying to say is YOU’RE not defective, just cuz you have Aspergers.”\u00a0\u00a0 It’s THIS kind of translating I do ALL the time for my Ex to try to keep the kids from hating him.\u00a0 Cuz, well, guess who also has Aspergers.\u00a0\u00a0 Aaaaanyway….<\/p>\n
My Ex is probably relying on Conor who understands him better than his other kids because Conor has my perception and empathy about people.\u00a0 Evan actually has the most sensitivity and perception but its just driven him away from people.\u00a0 Conor and I have a certain autonomous distance. \u00a0 This was how I understood my Ex.\u00a0 It was why I could marry him, and also why I divorced him.\u00a0 If Conor volunteers to be there for his father when his father gets debilitated I will be right next to my son.\u00a0 Reminding him that the State has program to pay for a home.\u00a0\u00a0 In Wisconsin.<\/p>\n
But the real point of this blog is this.\u00a0 Divorced parents should talk more between them.\u00a0\u00a0 Married parents discuss these miscommunications and help their kids deal with the emotions of teen frustration, etc (I say etc cuz teens have soooo many emotions!).\u00a0\u00a0 And my angry sons are teens!!!\u00a0\u00a0 When divorced parents don’t talk then the only information one has is what is relayed by the teen.\u00a0 And we all know how accurate THAT can be.\u00a0 My sons aren’t lying to me, but their narrative is colored by their emotions and its difficult for me NOT to get angry when my kids are needlessly damaged by comments from “adults”.\u00a0\u00a0 They get enough of it from the idiot kids at school.<\/p>\n
But if communication were a strong point between my Ex and I….\u00a0 well we wouldn’t have needed lawyers.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
A few weeks ago my kids, Evan and Conor came home from their Easter weekend with their father.\u00a0 And Evan was very upset.\u00a0\u00a0 FACT…. He’s not a social being, just like his father was at his age.\u00a0 Hell, just like … Continue reading