{"id":609,"date":"2009-09-24T10:00:52","date_gmt":"2009-09-24T17:00:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.heatherbarton.com\/?p=609"},"modified":"2025-11-07T10:19:01","modified_gmt":"2025-11-07T17:19:01","slug":"is-it-fate-or-is-it-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.heatherbarton.com\/?p=609","title":{"rendered":"Is it Fate? Or is it Me?"},"content":{"rendered":"

My obsession… okay wait.\u00a0 ONE of my obsessions (best to be truthful, Heather) is patterns.\u00a0 I’m always searching for patterns in things and people and situations.\u00a0 It makes me organized.\u00a0 It makes me insightful.\u00a0 It makes me annoying when you watch television with me because not only am I correctly guessing the plot waaaaay before it enfolds, I can sometimes recite an obvious line before its uttered on a first run show.\u00a0 Well, its obvious to me.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

My middle child has inherited this gift and is currently using it to try and solve his multiplication problems.\u00a0\u00a0 Which is good because he’s a natural Engineer and I hear they need math.\u00a0 I did the same thing in school and it helped me so much but it’s also limiting.\u00a0 When I learn things I tend to keep and hold only the stuff I think might be useful to me personally or my friends or in a plotline.\u00a0 SOME people capitalize this selective memory style of mine and re-tell me the same story they told me years <\/em>ago not realizing that if I didn’t find it interesting enough to keep back then, why would I now.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

I used patterns in people behavior to understand the “why” behind someones actions or words.\u00a0 I’ve done it for so many years that often in a discussion I find myself pointing out the “other side” of\u00a0 that argument and what may be motivating them.\u00a0 It helps us all remember that those crazy people<\/em> are still people.\u00a0 Of course I also believe in reincarnation and SOME crazy people<\/em> should just move on to their next life.\u00a0 Here… let me help you with that… call in the Executioner!<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

When I was questioning the existence of GOD\/FATE I turned to the patterns I saw in my life.\u00a0 And to me, there were a lot of them.\u00a0 That indicated some sort of active power was in play.\u00a0 I immediately labeled it FATE\/GOD.\u00a0 I took comfort in the knowledge that I wasn’t just randomly walking through life… that there was a writer, somewhere, writing the plot-line for me… this character that I am.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Recently I’m starting to suspect that I might be that writer.\u00a0 Which is both good and very, very bad.\u00a0 It’s good because when you believe YOU are the writer of your plot-line it puts you in control of your life.\u00a0 Well, I’ve always been in control of my life… what I wasn’t in control of was the random crap that would happen.\u00a0 The chaos of my life moving through the reality of all the other people’s reality.\u00a0 As if we are all walking around a big huge room.\u00a0 We think we’re moving forward but actually we’re just moving along and bumping into others, walking with some for a while and then different ones.\u00a0 Our paths aren’t really straight lines at all because of the others and things around us.\u00a0 Our paths are weaving and circling and anything but straight.\u00a0 And we never know who we’ll meet or what event will transpire because of something unseen… that is the chaos.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

I used to attribute the beneficial patterns of this chaos that would enter my life\u00a0 as FATE\/GOD.\u00a0\u00a0 But there is the nagging school of thought that says, “you bring to yourself that which you dwell upon.”\u00a0 This is the BAD part of me being the writer of my life.\u00a0 Because I have a lot of self-doubt.\u00a0\u00a0And I also have this really bad, “Since I don’t have it I obviously don’t deserve it” negative\u00a0voice in\u00a0 my head.\u00a0\u00a0 Top all that off with an incredibly stubborn streak that feels I shouldn’t have to change any part of me (including the bad)\u00a0that thinks if FATE love me then it should love me as me and\u00a0give me what I want without having to change.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

So I’m starting to\u00a0feel like I’m self-sabotaging myself OUT of getting the things I really want.\u00a0 Like I’m trying to make\u00a0FATE\/GOD prove <\/em>their love.\u00a0\u00a0 (Oh and yes, I know it’s childish.\u00a0\u00a0 Pfft!)<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Example…\u00a0 I mentally pull away from everyone around me needing to mourn silently the loss of something I chose to lose due to a decision I’ve made and suddenly so many are being drawn out of my life through no action of my own.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Example…\u00a0 I’ve been doing\u00a0 a lot of emotional and life-altering changes in the last two years.\u00a0 And at the beginning of this year I kept meeting more and more women who were going through the same things as me.\u00a0 Almost every other woman I met was in some stage close to it.\u00a0\u00a0 Just when I was at a stage of wondering WHAT I wanted and WHAT I could do I met so many women, heard their stories and advice.\u00a0 We came together in amazement… even if only briefly… and walked away feeling a little more sure of ourselves.\u00a0 We weren’t alone.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Example… the day I begin to plot out a series that had been percolating in my head and work out some of the science involved, I realized I needed a scientist to bounce this off of or I’m going to look silly.\u00a0 Within 12 hours I meet a Physicist on an airplane ride who enthusiastically wants to help me with this.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Example… A week before they’re going to draw the winner of a contest I’ve been entering many times daily and DESPERATELY want to win, I begin to have uncontrollable self doubts.\u00a0 Loud voice in my head telling me I’m not going to win… I never win… I don’t deserve to win.\u00a0\u00a0 Really, I tried to shut the bitch up.\u00a0 I ignored her and\u00a0kept entering.\u00a0\u00a0 I visualized winning.\u00a0 I made as many countering positive statements that I WILL win.\u00a0 And I did not win.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Now the upbeat people will tell me that I can’t let myself get down over this.\u00a0 Pfffttt!!!\u00a0\u00a0 No one can stay happy 24\/7.\u00a0 Hell, some of my best humor comes from my pessimism.\u00a0\u00a0 But I wonder… would I have won if I had never self-doubted?\u00a0 I’ve seen people with almost no self-doubt.\u00a0 They truly believe they will get everything they want… and f*ck them if\u00a0so many things just seem to go their way.\u00a0 I really hate those people.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Because if there is a way to guarantee I’ll get what I want more often… I want to work it.\u00a0 That is also part of my style.\u00a0 Part of the reason I look for patterns.\u00a0 What is the pattern for success… may be\u00a0my real desire.\u00a0 What makes that book a success.\u00a0\u00a0 If I want {blank} will doing this or that get me success?<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

It’s what we all strive for, deep down in our motives.\u00a0\u00a0 But does positive thinking bring it to us?\u00a0 Or does it just help keep us smiling while we wait and hope.\u00a0 Is it us?\u00a0 Are we duping ourselves?\u00a0 Is GOD\/FATE rewarding our efforts or stalling in hopes we forget?<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Too deep, time for chocolate.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My obsession… okay wait.\u00a0 ONE of my obsessions (best to be truthful, Heather) is patterns.\u00a0 I’m always searching for patterns in things and people and situations.\u00a0 It makes me organized.\u00a0 It makes me insightful.\u00a0 It makes me annoying when you … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-609","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-just-ramblings"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.heatherbarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/609","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.heatherbarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.heatherbarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.heatherbarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.heatherbarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=609"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"http:\/\/www.heatherbarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/609\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4417,"href":"http:\/\/www.heatherbarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/609\/revisions\/4417"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.heatherbarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=609"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.heatherbarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=609"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.heatherbarton.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=609"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}