The story of my relationship with my then husband and now ex-husband is actually something of a common story.\u00a0 And the failure of the marriage is also a common outcome.\u00a0 At my grandmother’s funeral I saw relatives I’d not seen in so long I found I was telling, and retelling, the story of my divorce.\u00a0 I tried to explain how when my ex and I met, our opposites complimented each other and our similarities were enjoyable.\u00a0 Yet over the course of 10 years our similarities diminished and our opposites were exaggerated.<\/p>\n
The break up wasn’t really about the usual reasons for divorce…. or maybe it was… I don’t know.\u00a0 It was one person wanting out and the other person being the casualty.\u00a0 (When a party isn’t honest about wanting out they’ll often resort to affairs so its essentially the same thing with more betrayal.)\u00a0 But it was also about how a dominant personality can enable the other to grow more and more passive.\u00a0 Honestly, one of the reason I knew divorce was right for us was when I realized he’d never be independent if I was in his life.<\/p>\n
I’ve said how my Ex was the youngest of 8 kids & told what to do all his childhood.\u00a0 And then joined the Army for 20 years where they told him what to do.\u00a0 In the course of that he married an opinionated woman who tried to involve him but he seemed happy to let her make the decisions.\u00a0 So when he retired and tried to “decide things for himself”… well, it wasn’t easy for him.\u00a0 And I tried to be helpful, but part of learning to make your own decisions is to MAKE THEM! And that takes both the desire to decide and the willingness of others around you to let you.\u00a0 I did my part to let him, but…..<\/p>\n
So this is something of a warning to my female readers.\u00a0 You need to be aware that a capable woman will be very attractive to a passive man.\u00a0 He’ll love ALL those “take charge” things about yourself that many non-passive males kind of didn’t like.\u00a0 It will relax him to hand over the drama of choosing what to eat, what to do, what to watch, how to save, where to go and worse… the more you do it the more he relaxes into the whole process.<\/p>\n
It is doubly alluring because he escapes the blame in anything because it wasn’t his decision.\u00a0 This is the true trap and downfall of the relationship.\u00a0 She’s taking charge.\u00a0 So she takes on the burden of responsibility for EVERYTHING and he just coasts along for the ride and the interesting scenery.\u00a0 What might have started as a partnership soon degenerates into one seemingly doing it all and the other just a lump in the room.\u00a0 And Bam… you’re parenting him.<\/p>\n
Oh and its not like we don’t try to involve the passive male!\u00a0 Countless times I would ask him, “Shall we do\/eat\/try… A or B?”\u00a0 And I tended to only ask when I really needed his input to decide.\u00a0 Because every time… EVERY time.. he would answer, “Yes” with a smile.\u00a0 I knew this was his way of saying, “Whatever you decide is wonderful with me, you are so wonderful.”\u00a0 But after 10 years it felt like, “I don’t give a shit, bitch, your dilemma isn’t as important as this magazine I’m reading.”<\/p>\n
I would just want to scream, “Show a PREFERENCE!!!\u00a0\u00a0 Care about SOMETHING!”<\/p>\n
Oh, actually I did tell him several times that when I went to him for an opinion I wasn’t just blowing hot air.\u00a0 That I really wanted his input.\u00a0 But I don’t think he ever felt I needed it.\u00a0 That I was truly capable enough without it.\u00a0 Because that part of him never changed.<\/p>\n
And he was right, people, he was so right.\u00a0 I didn’t need him at all.<\/p>\n
But the true point I’m trying to make is its a delicate trap when one partner is more dominant than the other, more decicive.\u00a0 I tried, I REALLY tried NOT to run roughshod over my husband.\u00a0 To take his opinions and feeling into our decision making process and make it ours.\u00a0 But he didn’t meet me halfway.\u00a0 For 5 years I did most of it all because he worked and the ALL was baby raising & housekeeping & bookkeeping.\u00a0 Then he retired and for the next 5 years the ALL I was doing was kid raising, housekeeping & bringing in half the income.\u00a0 So by the time we hit therapy all his, “I’m realizing all this about myself” growth mouthing he did in it just made me feel he would survive without me just fine.\u00a0 Supporting my need to be out of the marriage.<\/p>\n
The awareness of this is why I’m very careful in my relationship with Sex God about NOT dominating the relationship.\u00a0 Our open\/poly style MAKES us communicate a lot about our needs and slightly court each other at the same time.\u00a0 And that does a lot to eliminate the complacency that develops when people start relying on the other so much that their positives exacerbate the others negatives.<\/p>\n
I write about this now because recently Sex God and I hit a very rough patch.\u00a0 It was an accumulation of many things that came to head last Sunday night.\u00a0 He’s been surfing A LOT because its his passion & outlet & the waves are delicious right now.\u00a0 Couple that with actual surfing buddies this year instead of going it alone and he spends a lot of his time at the beach.\u00a0 So sometimes he comes over mid week to play, but we’ve recently discovered that 3 hrs a week of each other isn’t really enough to sustain our relationship.\u00a0 See… we’ve had previous discussion of how he’s been dropping the “Heather Maintenance” ball and what he needs to do to fix it.\u00a0 But last week I didn’t get any mid-week play.\u00a0 AND I got stood up on a meet with a very hot potential lover & it made me very, very irked.\u00a0 (Remember my ego is high maintenance which is WHY we’re both open & poly lol\u00a0 I’d drive one man completely insane if I expected him to meet all my needs for attention.)\u00a0 Then he said he’d see me Sunday night… meaning I get the tail end of his weekend.\u00a0 Yea.. THAT always makes a girl feel loved. lol.<\/p>\n
And that weekend sucked for me.\u00a0 I mostly gardened, ended up making 3 trips to Home Depot, tried a free music fest but went with my mother & son so couldn’t be very “Heather” & it all culminated in the discovery of a broken sprinkler pipe.\u00a0 I did A LOT that weekend\u00a0 by myself since I didn’t know when or if Sex God, the technical boyfriend, would make it over to my house Sunday.\u00a0 Our previous texts involved a lot of “I doubt you’ll have the energy or you’ll forget” from me so he told me he’d be over early cuz he’s getting the vibe I needed it.\u00a0 By 8:30 pm Sunday I sent him a cryptic text saying, “All I want to hear from you at this point is you’re alive.” He called immediately & I hung up on him after confirming, “Good, you’re alive.” because I was furious that he’d let me down.<\/p>\n
It was a misunderstanding on HIS part so completely HIS fault and he took full responsibility for it, he said in an exchange of texts.\u00a0 But I was too upset to forgive.\u00a0 So I told him I needed to distance myself emotionally so I don’t have these girlfriend expectations outa him… so when he lets me down I’m not so upset.\u00a0 He could only frowny face me at that.<\/p>\n
See, besides being a needy narcissist, I have a real difficulty ASKING others to meet my needs.\u00a0 If I need help, I’ll try to do it myself, or if I can afford it, hire someone to do the task.\u00a0 I rarely ask for money and when I do its HARD and means I’m in desperate shape and out of other options.\u00a0 So the sprinkler situation made me feel very alone, very incapable and with no help options since the bf had me on the back burner.\u00a0 I was literally crying in my car at the Home Depot parking lot, that’s how it affected me.<\/p>\n
So if I’m horny I may send out a text to a lover, but if they say no or\u00a0 busy, well, I won’t send another text.\u00a0 And if they don’t answer I’ll never text again! lol\u00a0 Asking for my needs to be met is difficult.\u00a0 Much easier to choose a received text of “are you free”.\u00a0\u00a0 If I’m feeling neglected by the BF, well I HATE being that woman who whines to him about her needs.\u00a0 So I try to solve my issue myself through others.\u00a0 And usually it works.\u00a0 And last week it didn’t.<\/p>\n
Its been a few days and we’ve since talked it out and he swears he’s going to do more texting and calling when he can’t get over to me during the week.\u00a0 And I’m going to try to spend more time WITH him at the beach instead of making him choose between me and surfing.\u00a0 And I’m going to TELL him whenever I’m feeling even remotely neglected.<\/p>\n
Because relationships are about two people communicating in a way that both get pleasure and do emotional growth.\u00a0 Its why Sex God and I are so compatible… we seem to grow each other when together.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The story of my relationship with my then husband and now ex-husband is actually something of a common story.\u00a0 And the failure of the marriage is also a common outcome.\u00a0 At my grandmother’s funeral I saw relatives I’d not seen … Continue reading