Heather Barton

I swear, I try to blog and yet… I can only seem to sum up. I used to blog DAILY! …but then Facebook happened. That petered down to once a week (writing & kids), to once a month (divorce & starting MY life), to barely a quarter (kids & work!) and finally to this stage…annually.

So, I guess… let’s recap 2023.

It took a bit after breaking up & kicking out Sex G but I started dating again just at the end of 2022. Same site cuz the LAST thing I want in my life is to be in love… or even a boyfriend. And per usual I met several lovely men and even kept a few throughout the year. It works because they have busy schedules as do I so we connect when we both happen to be free.

In 2023 I turned 60 (!) and my mother turned 80. When someone asked if Mom was doing anything for her 80th I realized that if WE didn’t throw us a party no one would. Since her birthday is mid March and mine mid April we decided to throw ourselves a party on April Fools Day cuz neither of us look our age. My brother offered his backyard as the venue (space, tables & chairs), my mother and I sent out e-vites (with her friends & our family we had 25-30 people!) and I rented a taco truck & paid for a sheet cake. My sister didn’t offer anything & I didn’t ask, cuz (probably my biggest failing) I don’t ask for help. I invited 1 friend (my bestie Glo) cuz I realized this was already more about my Mom than me. So I had a separate party for my friends. All in all it was lovely. Mom had a great time, Luke enjoyed seeing relatives, my relatives barely saw my other 2 and my bestie made a wonderful grand entrance during the group picture (I managed to see NO pix of this event lol) that made my day. Worth it.

After the debacle of 2022 Coachella I decided to make sure I wouldn’t get duped into going with Selfish Bitch Cara ever again. So when the presale for 2023 went on sale I splurged and bought premier camping. And boy, was THAT worth it! NO need to get up by 5am to get there by 8am to wait in huge lines for the car search only to feed all those lines into 1 to row by row directed to parking. Nope.. we didn’t leave until 8 ish, breezed through the minor security line & bypassed EVERYONE else to go around to the Premier parking which was smack between the entrance and silent disco/marketplace area. And we were about 10 rows from the entrance 😀

The grass was finally GREEN again cuz of all the rain Cali got at the beginning of 2023 and our set up was perfect. We were joined by my co-worker friend Brenda & her friend Naomi who hung with us a bit but mostly partied with their friends at regular camping during festival time. So Glo and I got to relax together most of the entire time. We didn’t even hit the venue until 3 ish! The lineup wasn’t particularly a favorite so we did a lot of “tasting” of many acts. We DID discover Ashnikko purely by her sound and thoroughly loved her anti-patriarchy songs! We REALLY enjoyed the silent disco before it went silent cuz it was great music with no one there so I danced and danced! After a night of insomnia on Friday (head in a corner where 4 spots meet! idiot!! so many people talking!) I learned to put ear buds in and play Rufus du Sol to block sound and nodded right to sleep without losing my vibe. Other than that it was kinda boring and yet, more wonderful & relaxing than any other vacation I can imagine.

In 2022 I heard EDC was turning 30 in 2023 and since I was turning 60 it seemed appropriate to finally see what all the hype was about. The grounds were pretty amazing, the fireworks so wonderful, the music choices too many, the traffic & parking a nightmare, the room at the Golden Nugget wasn’t what I thought I was getting (always read your fine print!!), the raveware I bought cute but let’s get better! So the highlights… I didn’t sleep for 48 straight hours (I spent hours trying!), only “enjoyed” 1 night, discovered the exact edm style I love (drum & base) by hearing Chase & Status accidentally while resting in the stands on night 2, if I do this again I’d probably fly in, party, & fly out… it would be CHEAPER!

I went to so many raves in 2023… Slander (wonderful but too short!), Chase & Status (a month after EDC! so happy, BTSM (Black Tiger Sex Machine) not bad, Apocolypse Zombieland (an entire stage just for drum & base!). My friends who work normal jobs & have weekends off seem to go to a rave every weekend & I’m juuuust a little bit jealous now.

My sister wanted me to hear her favorite group Yachtly Crew. I was going to do it in January but I got Covid yet then she told me they were coming to The Starlight Bowl in Burbank in July and she got us tickets. We came prepared with food & drink & cushions and enjoyed the company of my sister & sister in law. I can’t remember if there was an opening band, I can only remember the horror of being tortured by the headliner. Over 6 men, dressed in sailing captain outfits, covering 70’s soft rock hits. Yes, I knew all the songs, yes they performed them well, yes the drunken 60 year old audience was enthusiastic (they wore yacht captain hats!!), yes I took video JUST to show others cuz no one would believe this if I told them but no, I did not have a good time. It wasn’t even the GOOD songs of that era!!! Thankfully I was so obviously unimpressed my sister will never invite me again.

What I DID enjoy for every single minute was seeing P!nk and NBT in October. P!nk had been on my bucket list and she kept releasing amazing albums. I missed her tour in 2022 so I wasn’t going to miss it this year. And she was worth every VIP dollar I spent! Carpooled with my sister-in-law (best navigator in the WORLD with 3 chatting women taking back streets to get to SoFi stadium. The stadium was a great venue, the opening act of … was an amazing surprise and I think P!nk is just the best performer to see live. It made seeing my favorite band since their inception, Nothing But Thieves, a bit disappointing only days later. The venue wasn’t made for short girls, we enjoyed a drink in the bar area & bought merch instead of pushing to the front early so I didn’t get a single glimpse of my guys, & the parking was a bitch. But I sang & heard my favorite songs, danced and enjoyed another wonderful evening out with my bestie Glo. I’m hoping they come to L.A. again this fall!

Huntington Beach had a first ever Darker Waves festival in November. The lineup was pretty amazing with Tears for Fears, New Order, Violent Femmes, Devo, English Beat, …. I hesitated but then downloaded the new Tears for Fears album and HAD to see them! That album was amazing and I’d always been a fan so I got VIP for me, Glo & her new fave guy. Why I won’t go again…the drive, parking, it was on the SAND, the sets were too short cuz there were too many artists for 3 stages & these drunken 50 year olds…ugh! Only an amazing lineup would get me to go again and there is a similar type festival in Pasadena called Cruel World, so probably a no on another Darker Waves.

The funniest thing about booking so many events & putting them in my calendar is how quickly forget and then get surprised! That’s what happened with Hoobastank tix in December lol. I’ve loved their music for a while and was thrilled when they toured at the 20th anniversary of their Reason song. SADLY, the tiny venue they played was freezing, terrible drinks, & giants who felt they deserved front row. The only plus to the venue was easy free street parking! But the band was amazing live and Glo and I always have a fab time whenever we’re together.

The year ended amazingly when I got to attend a Clipper game in the VIP section with my brother because my niece works for the franchise. You have to understand just how much I LOVE basketball. Several years ago I bought a half season in the nose bleeds seats and enjoyed it, but THIS, this was the most amazing way to watch my favorite sport. Special parking, free food and the seats! I was level with the basket and only about 50′ away from the court…whole new level of enjoying the game! Talking basketball with my brother…priceless.

I ended the year with my usual rave Countdown. This time, though I booked us in a motel & bought tix for both days. Unfortunately my bestie couldn’t get both days off so I ended up taking my fave lover of the year. He’s my age, independent with little baggage, really satisfies me in the bedroom and a good kisser. Because he’s handy around the house, he’s met the kids & my Mom although I tell them all not to “get attached”. I intriduced him to rave’s and he’s just loving it all. Although when we go to raves so many young people come up to us…”We wanna be you when we’re your age?” It’s amusing and flattering.

2024 seems to be shaping up to to rival it’s predecessor… so I shall try to catch up blogs and maybe avoid such a long annual recap! (Wish me luck lol)

Yesterday I deleted my Bumble dating app account. After one month of their Premium account I had been… 1. catfished (meaning the date I was supposed to go on disappeared before the day of the date from the site)… 2. when I WOULD find a match then start a conversation…. the guy and/or Bumble would let it expire and it went no where…. 3. then I DO connect with a guy, actually meet in person, he seems nice and finds me wonderful and we exchange numbers and then….. he ghosts me.

How are these men “better” than the ones on the sex site? At least with those men I have huge paragraphs that I can explain EXACTLY what I’m looking for and refer to every idiot who emails macho stupidity directly to those paragraphs. Although I bet there is a level of crossover, site to site, who knows.

I did notice a ridiculous amount of TALL men on Bumble. So many 6’4″, 6′ 2″… that is just too tall for a woman who is 5’1″! And sometimes I’d take a chance on someone who would be a 30-45 minute drive instead of my usual “no farther than a 20 minute drive” limitation. And I still ended up with the above results.

And I blame the way the algorithm is set up completely. Yes, we’re all busy people and Bumble acts like the solution to that is to NOT wait until you’ve have the TIME to respond or react or if you coincidentally swipe right at the same time THEY have swiped right…. because EVERYTHING IS TIMED! Unless you pay extra for more time!

And their payment options are horrid! Premium choices are $20-week, $40-month, $80-3 months OR … and here is the stupidity… $300 for Lifetime! LIFETIME!!!! How depressing is the success of this “dating” app if you’re using it FOR A LIFETIME! (Yes, yes, I know I’ve been on the sex site for over 15 years…. that’s DIFFERENT!)

I’m not sure if I want to try Hinge. Maybe in a month or two. Or maybe I should try Tinder. OR maybe I should just admit that perhaps I’ve aged out of sexy Heather Cougar. Except when I did kiss that last guy, my libido perked right up and caressed his hard muscle arms and wanted more. And the car ride home after that had my body humming.

Sexy Heather Cougar is still in there… it just takes more to get her both interested and at the peak of arousal and there are fewer and fewer options to make that happen.

Just before I deleted my account I informed Bumble about how and why I found their site both not worth the time or money and suggested they offer a $110 for the year option. Haven’t heard anything but, honestly, I doubt the algorithm even logged it…. sigh.

Anyone who knows me and/or has read this blog, knows that I’ve had a lot of sex. I mean A LOT of sex! So, of course, I’ve tried many, many positions and have a few favorites. Although I’ll admit I’m not anything like “Kama Sutra” level experienced! Of all the positions I’ve done, I’ve found two that I feel work absolutely the best at getting female orgasms….for two different reasons.

The first Perfect Position is where I do absolutely no work and I’m in a position of total relaxation. This is, of course, flat on my belly with the male entering from above me and behind. This can be challenging as a start so I usually suggest starting (well lubbed) in doggy style and then together move into the female lying flat pose. What is crucial to the success of this position is to not have my legs really wide…. as that will develop into a hip cramp. Remember, this is where the woman is totally relaxed and just enjoying the sensations without her legs getting tired being held up or around or whatever. And the bonus is it’s very easy to slip a hand between your legs in this position and engage your clitoris if you’re not getting enough vaginal stimulation to bring you to orgasm. You’re doing minimal work so you can focus on what your body is feeling without the distractions of other parts of your body complaining about maintaining a position.

The second Perfect Position is almost the exact opposite of the first one. In this position I do ALL the work and the male enjoys the ride. BUT the key to success of this position is the right chair. See for me to be able to do all the work I must have my feet flat on the floor to be able to take control of the movement. I can hear all of you now, “But Heather, you’re describing a basic girl on top position!” No… no, I am not. Girl on Top uses the knees for movement or a woman who can do a level of squat that most aren’t limber enough for. When using the knees, I don’t get the right level of control AND my knees give out after about 5 minutes, tops! BUT, if I have the right chair… i.e. one that is low enough that this short girl can straddle her male AND get her feet on the floor AND has a back that I can hold on to… then I can take pure control of the fucking and direct it’s speed and direction. The plus side for the male is bouncing breasts within his grasps and if he wants to here me scream he can press a thumb to my clitoris on a down stroke.

Now if I could just find the perfect chair….