So a while back, my favorite man, technically my boyfriend (or as close to one as this poly-amorous girl will ever get), my FWB #1… aka Sex God, gave me the news he may be moving out of the area.
Yeah.
He’s going no where in his current job and has been looking for something else. In his search he found a possible job which would utilize all his skill & experience from his last 6 years at a better pay rate. Downside.. it was in Arizona.
His kids are in their teens, so while they would miss him they’re at the age that daily contact is less important to them. They’d rather spend it with their friends or on an electronic device. His Ex will miss him because they have a best friend relationship and he’s been conveniently there for her or the kids whenever she or they needed him.
His logic… he needs to make some serious changes to get out of debt and since he’s at the lowest rent level he can go & his job isn’t offering him opportunities for higher income, he’s gotta go where those things exist. Rent is cheaper in AZ than L.A. and the job offers a serious boost in salary. So he told me he was applying and if he gets it… he’s going.
Needless to say the news was upsetting to me. I love this man, who in so many ways matches me perfectly. This would effectively end our relationship. After all, we considered ourselves in a long distance relationship already because he lived over an hours DRIVE away. If he moves to AZ, he’ll be over an hour’s PLANE ride away.
So when I hear this news my initial response is an emotional one. I begin to mourn this loss. Because all logic aside, this WOULD be a loss. I would no longer have the guarantee of seeing him every other weekend. I would still get the fun of talking to him on the phone or chatting him or emailing him. But I wouldn’t have my Sex God to enjoy unless one of us took a plane ride. And with my finances the way they are (due to the divorce) that wouldn’t be me. And if he’s taking the job to put his finances in order, that wouldn’t be him.
My secondary response, amusingly, is to grumble that he’s running. A truism more due to circumstances than his character and something I don’t really blame him for. I do the same. When things end or need changing or I don’t like the situation, I look at the long road and ask myself if its more cost effective to stay and fix it or better to move off this road to a new one. Still, as one of the casualties of the old road.. I can grumble a bit.
But as the person I am, I’m not going to make this about me. As surprising as it may seem to those that know me, while I DO tend to make every conversation, every THING about me… I’m actually rather self-sacrificing to a small degree in relationships. Probably comes with parenthood. Don’t get me wrong.. if I’m not happy in a relationship I won’t “sacrifice” my happiness to stay in it, but I won’t stand in the way of anothers happiness.
So I have to set them aside, these emotions, and pretend they don’t exist. These choices are his and I’m not going to selfishly ask him NOT to choose what he needs to do just because I’d miss him.
And oh, how I’d miss him.
In all the dating I’ve been doing over the last year plus I’ve met a lot of interesting men; hot men; good looking men; wonderful men and a fair share of fabulous lovers. None of which made it into my heart the way my #1 did. None of them inspired lust in me with a surprised gasp whenever I looked at him. None of them brought anything other than sex into my life, with a smattering of friendship. My #1 brought silliness, limitless companionship and treated me as girlfriend material from the start. He treasured my company outside of the bedroom. Top that off with the way we seemed to mesh perfectly together in almost every facet of our lives and its no wonder we have strong feelings. Oh, and don’t even get me started on how much I enjoyed our naked time. There is a VERY good reason I call him my Sex God.
So what I WILL do. I will tell him that I’m sad the relationship is on hold if not over. I will distract myself with work and writing. And I’ll most likely also do lots of online dating. I’m sure some of you will assume I’m trying find another to replace him. (That would be WAY difficult!) Or drowning my feelings in meaningless hookups. There may be some truth to that but the alternative… pining away & living off the breadcrumbs of chat & phone contact… that isn’t any healthier. I cannot put my life on hold waiting for him to come back. Just as he cannot put his life on hold just because I don’t want him to leave.
Sigh.. I may start playing the lottery more, though.
And.. after all that deep realization…. nothing came of it. lol! I wrote this post months and months ago. The job filled before he could apply for it. And he stopped talking about finding a job out of state. And a few weeks after that I brought up to him all the above feelings I went through. His reply was, “Oh!?! Sorry! Why didn’t you TELL me!”
We laughed and I take comfort in the fact that he shares so much with me he’s actually unaware how his sharing might be received by me. Which is amusing.. cuz I probably do the same thing to him!
Nice thing about being a grown up in a relationship is I can sort through my feelings without having to dramatize them & dump/vent/act them out on him. Then when I’m clear and calm I can discuss them if its still worth doing.
And top it all off? Sex God got a promotion at work. 🙂
Thanks Fate!