Heather Barton

Yesterday I deleted my Bumble dating app account. After one month of their Premium account I had been… 1. catfished (meaning the date I was supposed to go on disappeared before the day of the date from the site)… 2. when I WOULD find a match then start a conversation…. the guy and/or Bumble would let it expire and it went no where…. 3. then I DO connect with a guy, actually meet in person, he seems nice and finds me wonderful and we exchange numbers and then….. he ghosts me.

How are these men “better” than the ones on the sex site? At least with those men I have huge paragraphs that I can explain EXACTLY what I’m looking for and refer to every idiot who emails macho stupidity directly to those paragraphs. Although I bet there is a level of crossover, site to site, who knows.

I did notice a ridiculous amount of TALL men on Bumble. So many 6’4″, 6′ 2″… that is just too tall for a woman who is 5’1″! And sometimes I’d take a chance on someone who would be a 30-45 minute drive instead of my usual “no farther than a 20 minute drive” limitation. And I still ended up with the above results.

And I blame the way the algorithm is set up completely. Yes, we’re all busy people and Bumble acts like the solution to that is to NOT wait until you’ve have the TIME to respond or react or if you coincidentally swipe right at the same time THEY have swiped right…. because EVERYTHING IS TIMED! Unless you pay extra for more time!

And their payment options are horrid! Premium choices are $20-week, $40-month, $80-3 months OR … and here is the stupidity… $300 for Lifetime! LIFETIME!!!! How depressing is the success of this “dating” app if you’re using it FOR A LIFETIME! (Yes, yes, I know I’ve been on the sex site for over 15 years…. that’s DIFFERENT!)

I’m not sure if I want to try Hinge. Maybe in a month or two. Or maybe I should try Tinder. OR maybe I should just admit that perhaps I’ve aged out of sexy Heather Cougar. Except when I did kiss that last guy, my libido perked right up and caressed his hard muscle arms and wanted more. And the car ride home after that had my body humming.

Sexy Heather Cougar is still in there… it just takes more to get her both interested and at the peak of arousal and there are fewer and fewer options to make that happen.

Just before I deleted my account I informed Bumble about how and why I found their site both not worth the time or money and suggested they offer a $110 for the year option. Haven’t heard anything but, honestly, I doubt the algorithm even logged it…. sigh.

Anyone who knows me and/or has read this blog, knows that I’ve had a lot of sex. I mean A LOT of sex! So, of course, I’ve tried many, many positions and have a few favorites. Although I’ll admit I’m not anything like “Kama Sutra” level experienced! Of all the positions I’ve done, I’ve found two that I feel work absolutely the best at getting female orgasms….for two different reasons.

The first Perfect Position is where I do absolutely no work and I’m in a position of total relaxation. This is, of course, flat on my belly with the male entering from above me and behind. This can be challenging as a start so I usually suggest starting (well lubbed) in doggy style and then together move into the female lying flat pose. What is crucial to the success of this position is to not have my legs really wide…. as that will develop into a hip cramp. Remember, this is where the woman is totally relaxed and just enjoying the sensations without her legs getting tired being held up or around or whatever. And the bonus is it’s very easy to slip a hand between your legs in this position and engage your clitoris if you’re not getting enough vaginal stimulation to bring you to orgasm. You’re doing minimal work so you can focus on what your body is feeling without the distractions of other parts of your body complaining about maintaining a position.

The second Perfect Position is almost the exact opposite of the first one. In this position I do ALL the work and the male enjoys the ride. BUT the key to success of this position is the right chair. See for me to be able to do all the work I must have my feet flat on the floor to be able to take control of the movement. I can hear all of you now, “But Heather, you’re describing a basic girl on top position!” No… no, I am not. Girl on Top uses the knees for movement or a woman who can do a level of squat that most aren’t limber enough for. When using the knees, I don’t get the right level of control AND my knees give out after about 5 minutes, tops! BUT, if I have the right chair… i.e. one that is low enough that this short girl can straddle her male AND get her feet on the floor AND has a back that I can hold on to… then I can take pure control of the fucking and direct it’s speed and direction. The plus side for the male is bouncing breasts within his grasps and if he wants to here me scream he can press a thumb to my clitoris on a down stroke.

Now if I could just find the perfect chair….