I was at a conference the other day and participating in a conversation, but only peripherally. Married Matron #1 said, “I think I’d love to have more sex drive.. I’m just not sure how to go about it!”
“Hormones..” I instantly offer, knowing this woman was post or peri-menopausal. And a little pill can help with a woman’s hormonal balancing just like with men.
Married Matron #1 replies, “No, I don’t want a supplement.. I’d just like something that puts me in the mood.. that’s not a pill.”
Matron #2 (my mother.. hence the reason I’m only participating peripherally) says with strong assurance. “He’s just gotta work harder to get you in the mood!”
And at that point I just drop out of the conversation.
Because they are wrong.
It is not the male’s JOB to get you aroused enough for sex! Just because he may get in the mood more easily than you and want it before you do… suddenly it becomes HIS responsibility to “get you in the mood”? As if sex with you is such an “HONOR” he has to “earn it” EVERY TIME he wants it!
I’m sorry… but no, no, and no. Sex is supposed to be mutual. Desire is supposed to be mutual. If one partner indicates he or she is horny, the other partner should embrace that and join in on the whole experience.. not wait for MORE encouragement. I’ll give you two examples from my life.
ONE… Long ago when I was in my 20’s I once shared a bed with a lover. Now he was the brother of a friend but we were sleeping at her house when most of our sex romps had been at my house.. so we weren’t sure we were going to have sex. Plus we’d been partying and I was really tired. Dozing next to him in my tank & underwear I awoke to the realization he was caressing me. I enjoyed it and pretended to sleep to see how far he’d take it. Next think I know.. it was morning. Guess who didn’t get laid that night! I’d “pretended” sleep SO well, I’d fallen asleep and he’d taken that to mean I didn’t want sex.
TWO…. My Ex spent parts of his childhood hearing his drunken father force himself on his mother. So he NEVER, EVER initiated our sexual activity. Now he never turned it down, when I suggested it… but he never began it. I did. For 13 years. And honestly it became a job. Whether I was in the mood or not, since he wouldn’t ask for his needs to be met, I had to keep track to make sure I wasn’t depriving him of sex just because I was tired. (Of course.. he was quick so don’t pity me too much… [ok.. pity me.. cuz he was quick!] lol) And don’t get me wrong he was quick to say yes whenever I suggested it.. it was just that “I” was the one who always had to suggest it. It became another task on my list of things to do. But NOT something I was feeling both of us wanted.
But the point is I’ve been on both sides of this. Sex shouldn’t be a chore or a job. It’s a mutual enjoyment of each others pleasure. It doesn’t matter who’s feeling it first and it shouldn’t be something one has to work to get another to want to participate in. If it is… well then go to counseling. Because obviously you both are no longer on the same path sexually and you need to talk about that before those paths diverge too far from each other. This is how infidelity starts.
Sex God and I often spend a weekend together. Which gives us the leisure to enjoy lots of sex. And the best part is sometimes its all about me and sometimes its all about him. And it just doesn’t matter to either of us because we both enjoy each other’s pleasure so much.
He’s not a job. And he doesn’t have to “work” to get me hot. I only have to look at him and I think “sex”. And if the way his hands seem to always find their way to smacking my ass is any indication.. I have the same affect on him. Is it that we’ve only been dating for a year? Maybe.. but maybe we’re just on the same path sexually.
Now if you’ll excuse me… I have “toys” to wash. 😉