I can’t seem to “DO” anything.
If you’ve noticed my blog entries have trickled again… down to two a week. And this time its mostly due to not having anything to say more than not having time to write. My brain says, “You gotta post a blog tomorrow” and it sets me scrambling & thinking & wondering until I’m basically procrastinating it off!
And its not just the blog. I’m not in the mood to supervise the boys to clean my house. Oh they still do the daily chores but I haven’t made them pull chores on the bigger stuff. I’ve not done any upkeep on the gardening, the floors have dust bunnies in every corner & don’t get me started on the toilets!
Could be because my garage is almost done. And once done I’ll be able to sort stuff into the cabinets, onto the rolling shelving units and “de-box” my house which is cluttered with all the stuff I had in the garage & storage unit. Of course, I love doing things like that… so there is a part of me anxiously awaiting this. And its put me in a holding pattern of sorts.
Then there is all the goals I’ve set for myself to do. Ironically they have an order they need to be done in to be successful. So I cannot progress along getting Child Support until after the Army rules on how much of his Pension is mine. Oh there are little steps I can take but I sent an email to my lawyer regarding this and haven’t heard. He’s either REALLY busy or really unorganized & I’m going to need to take some steps myself to move this forward. More than just a harassing phone call.
And I cannot move forward on much of that to get my fair share of the pension and after THAT actual child support until AFTER I file for bankruptcy. I have no assets to seize or protect & ended up with the bulk of the credit card debt in the divorce. Add to that the unexpected medical bills & I’m feeling the need for a true fresh start. Lucky for me I fall into the Chapter 7 category…. for now. If I’m ever going to do this, I need to do this now. And find a different lawyer as mine isn’t emailing me back on this subject. lol
Business wise this very bankruptcy thought makes me want to buy a few airline tickets for Sex God to accompany me on a trip or two for work this year. Can I? Should I? So I’ve not done some of my conference booking due to this very hesitation. I need a hour or two to plow thru the sites, paperwork & MAKE A DECISION! Instead I fill my work days with doing some of the easier paperwork…. oh and take a few long lunches along the way.
Why long lunches? Cuz the Ex STILL hasn’t taken his son for a weekend so I can no longer host a play date unless its the boyfriend/Sex God who the kids know… OR I get a babysitter & that’s usually is only going to be a once a month kind of event. So I’ve been enjoying my lovers who CAN play during the weekday. Which of course, cuts into my work time. lol
But its not a very good long term solution. Don’t get me wrong, I love every minute of the sex, but its not the same as going out for a fun evening and FEELING like a Cougar through & through. That emotional break from “Mommy”, “Employee”, you know… “Responsible Adult” is vital to keeping me loving my life. Too little of that and I start searching for new inputs that give it to me.
But right now I seem to be standing on a precipice looking at all the things I need to do, want to do, don’t want to do, should be doing. And all I see in the pretty scenery. I have no motivation to move forward on any of them. To pick a direction and charge down the path.
Worse is the feeling that time is creeping up behind me & if I don’t gather the right things to start down any of these paths & won’t have what I need before time shoves me down one.
I think this is a character flaw in me… this scenery looks AWFULLY familiar!