The story of my relationship with my then husband and now ex-husband is actually something of a common story. And the failure of the marriage is also a common outcome. At my grandmother’s funeral I saw relatives I’d not seen in so long I found I was telling, and retelling, the story of my divorce. I tried to explain how when my ex and I met, our opposites complimented each other and our similarities were enjoyable. Yet over the course of 10 years our similarities diminished and our opposites were exaggerated.
The break up wasn’t really about the usual reasons for divorce…. or maybe it was… I don’t know. It was one person wanting out and the other person being the casualty. (When a party isn’t honest about wanting out they’ll often resort to affairs so its essentially the same thing with more betrayal.) But it was also about how a dominant personality can enable the other to grow more and more passive. Honestly, one of the reason I knew divorce was right for us was when I realized he’d never be independent if I was in his life.
I’ve said how my Ex was the youngest of 8 kids & told what to do all his childhood. And then joined the Army for 20 years where they told him what to do. In the course of that he married an opinionated woman who tried to involve him but he seemed happy to let her make the decisions. So when he retired and tried to “decide things for himself”… well, it wasn’t easy for him. And I tried to be helpful, but part of learning to make your own decisions is to MAKE THEM! And that takes both the desire to decide and the willingness of others around you to let you. I did my part to let him, but…..
So this is something of a warning to my female readers. You need to be aware that a capable woman will be very attractive to a passive man. He’ll love ALL those “take charge” things about yourself that many non-passive males kind of didn’t like. It will relax him to hand over the drama of choosing what to eat, what to do, what to watch, how to save, where to go and worse… the more you do it the more he relaxes into the whole process.
It is doubly alluring because he escapes the blame in anything because it wasn’t his decision. This is the true trap and downfall of the relationship. She’s taking charge. So she takes on the burden of responsibility for EVERYTHING and he just coasts along for the ride and the interesting scenery. What might have started as a partnership soon degenerates into one seemingly doing it all and the other just a lump in the room. And Bam… you’re parenting him.
Oh and its not like we don’t try to involve the passive male! Countless times I would ask him, “Shall we do/eat/try… A or B?” And I tended to only ask when I really needed his input to decide. Because every time… EVERY time.. he would answer, “Yes” with a smile. I knew this was his way of saying, “Whatever you decide is wonderful with me, you are so wonderful.” But after 10 years it felt like, “I don’t give a shit, bitch, your dilemma isn’t as important as this magazine I’m reading.”
I would just want to scream, “Show a PREFERENCE!!! Care about SOMETHING!”
Oh, actually I did tell him several times that when I went to him for an opinion I wasn’t just blowing hot air. That I really wanted his input. But I don’t think he ever felt I needed it. That I was truly capable enough without it. Because that part of him never changed.
And he was right, people, he was so right. I didn’t need him at all.
But the true point I’m trying to make is its a delicate trap when one partner is more dominant than the other, more decicive. I tried, I REALLY tried NOT to run roughshod over my husband. To take his opinions and feeling into our decision making process and make it ours. But he didn’t meet me halfway. For 5 years I did most of it all because he worked and the ALL was baby raising & housekeeping & bookkeeping. Then he retired and for the next 5 years the ALL I was doing was kid raising, housekeeping & bringing in half the income. So by the time we hit therapy all his, “I’m realizing all this about myself” growth mouthing he did in it just made me feel he would survive without me just fine. Supporting my need to be out of the marriage.
The awareness of this is why I’m very careful in my relationship with Sex God about NOT dominating the relationship. Our open/poly style MAKES us communicate a lot about our needs and slightly court each other at the same time. And that does a lot to eliminate the complacency that develops when people start relying on the other so much that their positives exacerbate the others negatives.
I write about this now because recently Sex God and I hit a very rough patch. It was an accumulation of many things that came to head last Sunday night. He’s been surfing A LOT because its his passion & outlet & the waves are delicious right now. Couple that with actual surfing buddies this year instead of going it alone and he spends a lot of his time at the beach. So sometimes he comes over mid week to play, but we’ve recently discovered that 3 hrs a week of each other isn’t really enough to sustain our relationship. See… we’ve had previous discussion of how he’s been dropping the “Heather Maintenance” ball and what he needs to do to fix it. But last week I didn’t get any mid-week play. AND I got stood up on a meet with a very hot potential lover & it made me very, very irked. (Remember my ego is high maintenance which is WHY we’re both open & poly lol I’d drive one man completely insane if I expected him to meet all my needs for attention.) Then he said he’d see me Sunday night… meaning I get the tail end of his weekend. Yea.. THAT always makes a girl feel loved. lol.
And that weekend sucked for me. I mostly gardened, ended up making 3 trips to Home Depot, tried a free music fest but went with my mother & son so couldn’t be very “Heather” & it all culminated in the discovery of a broken sprinkler pipe. I did A LOT that weekend by myself since I didn’t know when or if Sex God, the technical boyfriend, would make it over to my house Sunday. Our previous texts involved a lot of “I doubt you’ll have the energy or you’ll forget” from me so he told me he’d be over early cuz he’s getting the vibe I needed it. By 8:30 pm Sunday I sent him a cryptic text saying, “All I want to hear from you at this point is you’re alive.” He called immediately & I hung up on him after confirming, “Good, you’re alive.” because I was furious that he’d let me down.
It was a misunderstanding on HIS part so completely HIS fault and he took full responsibility for it, he said in an exchange of texts. But I was too upset to forgive. So I told him I needed to distance myself emotionally so I don’t have these girlfriend expectations outa him… so when he lets me down I’m not so upset. He could only frowny face me at that.
See, besides being a needy narcissist, I have a real difficulty ASKING others to meet my needs. If I need help, I’ll try to do it myself, or if I can afford it, hire someone to do the task. I rarely ask for money and when I do its HARD and means I’m in desperate shape and out of other options. So the sprinkler situation made me feel very alone, very incapable and with no help options since the bf had me on the back burner. I was literally crying in my car at the Home Depot parking lot, that’s how it affected me.
So if I’m horny I may send out a text to a lover, but if they say no or busy, well, I won’t send another text. And if they don’t answer I’ll never text again! lol Asking for my needs to be met is difficult. Much easier to choose a received text of “are you free”. If I’m feeling neglected by the BF, well I HATE being that woman who whines to him about her needs. So I try to solve my issue myself through others. And usually it works. And last week it didn’t.
Its been a few days and we’ve since talked it out and he swears he’s going to do more texting and calling when he can’t get over to me during the week. And I’m going to try to spend more time WITH him at the beach instead of making him choose between me and surfing. And I’m going to TELL him whenever I’m feeling even remotely neglected.
Because relationships are about two people communicating in a way that both get pleasure and do emotional growth. Its why Sex God and I are so compatible… we seem to grow each other when together.