Yes, I’ve turned 52 and its time to admit that certain things have changed. That I’ve changed. That my desires have changed. That my body has changed. And maybe its time to move to a new chapter.
It truly began when I turned 50, two years ago. EVERYTHING slowed… my metabolism, my libido, my motivation, my excitement for life. It wasn’t really a flipped-switch type of change but a fluctuating battle between past, present, & future. And it wasn’t a new feeling. I’ve had this before. I had it when I realized I didn’t want to be married anymore. I had it when I was 20-ish and realized I was sick of the bar scene. I had it when I was close to 30 and realized I wanted to be married. I think everyone goes through these growth stages of “I want a change…. life has become stagnant/boring/done.”
But its often difficult to enact the change. You liked your life. You remember how much you loved it. You think if you could just recapture that love/energy/excitement you wouldn’t have to actually CHANGE anything. That is the battle. The struggle between the glory days and the present and what you want in your future, that so many label “mid-life crisis” and so many assume only happens once.
Perhaps its just me. Perhaps its being an Aries, a sign often described as flitting from flower to flower. But this would be, maybe, my fourth mid-life crisis. Although I prefer to call it Proactive Self-Awareness. Because in reality the whole process is realizing you’ve completed a life stage and to continue to grow, one must move on. It’s the HOW you do the moving that counts.
But being aware of the transition, the need to transition, is half the battle. And I’ve been in denial about it for 2 years now. Maybe its not really denial as much as I was fighting the dissatisfaction with my life. I kinda loved my life and didn’t want it to change. But 2 years later, its time to admit that life has other plans. And I’m self aware enough to know that it’s not the end of the world to admit I’m different than I was 5 years ago.
Yet while I was emotionally trying to deny that I wasn’t as “thrilled.excited” with my life as I used to be, that I’d become complacent, my BODY was fully aware and rolling with it. And when I mean “roll” I mean, tummy rolls!
The first problem after I turned 50 was losing my healthcare coverage. I just couldn’t afford the $400 a month to stay on Kaiser. So while saving the money I ran out of my thyroid medication to control my hypothyroidism, cuz you need a doctors script for refills. Now when I was 20, the meds were to make my thyroid stop working so the nodule on it would stop growing. And missing a dose would kick in my thyroid, so I assumed that would happen again. Nope. I spent 9 months battling uncontrolled naps and weight gain until I finally realized my thyroid wasn’t kicking in, that after 25 years on medication to make the thyroid stop working I’d developed true hypothyroidism, not just nodule-control. I missed the diagnosis because I didn’t feel tired or have less energy… I just could NOT keep my eyes open! I must have gained 10 – 15 pounds during that period before I got on Obamacare & back on the meds.
The weight gain added new lovely aches to ankles and heel spurs, in addition to feeling more like a sausage than a Sex Kitten. On the plus side my menopause finally got to the good side of missing periods instead of bleeding like a stuck pig every 3 weeks. Of course, the down side of all that was no period meant no ovulation so no “Mmmm I gotta have sex!” spike mid cycle. It also heralded a change in my nails, my hair and developing little pockets of arthritis. Yes, more kinky grey hair (still got lots of it at least) and nails that split more with odd course microgrooves was expected. But the joint pain in my pinky fingers DOES affect a bit of my typing. I look ahead at my desire to “write when the kids are gone and I have free time” and know that its at least 10 years off and will I even be able to type by then!
The biggest change that I fought for the longest was the change in my libido. I didn’t want to admit that part of “The Change” was an easing of my strong sex drive. I wasn’t quite the “need it! need it NOW” girl I was 7 years ago. But its a combination of finding that perfect lover (and having access to him/them) and realizing my desire to be lusted by all is less than my desire for Girl Scout Thin Mints. And I had to be honest with myself. Perhaps I’m just being selfish in my desire to have An Ultimate Cub at my beck and call. Sex God satisfies me in the bedroom in a perfection that is only matched by Bear. And Bear matches it in such an opposite way that the two compliment my needs more than vie for them. Even with Bear’s schedule only managing to play with me with the same frequency as most lovers (twice a year lol) there are 4 such fwb lovers. And now Ultimate Man has moved to Los Angeles.
Oh yes. Didn’t I mention that? The underwear model/Chicago tryst/took two weeks to emotionally get over/ lover that I never managed to get up to see when he moved from Chicago to San Francisco has moved to Los Angeles. We finally got to play together again and I’ll blog that as he deserves his own entry. So much goodness! It will be interesting to see how often we get to play, so exciting to imagine.
But perhaps its that addition of another possible perfect lover that settled my ego/libido into admitting she should stop looking for new men. I adore my Sex God: sexy, playful, responsive & does all the bf/gf stuff. I’m attached to Bear more than just in my desire to be his first call, but I’m starting to feel I’m not & that’s why we never manage to get together, as he canceled our last tryst. Ultimate Man is the most lovely mixture of perfect hottness, exquisite skill and intriguing vagueness that while he most likely prefers NSA to FWB he’s completely worth THAT effort! lol
I’ve been letting my Ego’s needs distract me from the reality of my life. I don’t need to keep searching for new as a diversion. I need to start focusing on enhancing what I have. The kids need a bit more attention. I need a new job. The completion of redecorating my house and yard needs a bit more sustained focused attention. The writing, oh, that needs a LOT more attention.
There is too much half finished items in my life, which is probably fueling my desires for change.
So let’s get my completion on!