Last Sunday I did a double birthday party for my two oldest children. Boy am I glad that’s over! There is a reason I am not a professional party planner! Why did I do it? It was the “golden” birthday of my middle son (10 on the 10th…I’ve never heard of this but his father assures me it is so.) And since we put off his birthday until school started (he was born in August) I combined his birthday with my oldest since that birthday is in September.
This was so my middle boy could have actual participants at his party. In August no one comes because they are all on vacation. That’s what I used to assume, but this year he passed out invitations to his class, sent an email to his cub scout troop and I personally invited a friend or two. And about 2 of his friends showed up. It would be sad… if he cared!
Anyway, he wanted a HUGE Obstacle Course bouncy for the party. I wanted his party to be a huge hit and help him make more friends (would have worked if more had showed up!) so I let him pick any bouncy he wanted. Needless to say it sooooo didn’t fit in our back yard. But I found a park but they were booked up until last weekend. So the September birthday party ended up being held in October!
My brother and his family and my sister and her family both came to the party. Add to that the parents of the two friends who came and my mother and it was a pretty nice party for Evan which was held first. It was chilly, which is perfect for a bouncy party, but we sent a spouse to Starbucks for a box of coffee. The 2 giant 38″ pizza’s arrived at noon and the cupcake cake from Vons was brought in by 1:30. I’d stuffed a huge box with fun trinkets from the dollar store & candy for parting gifts that they dug happily through.
Evan’s party was from 11am to 2pm and Luke’s party was 3pm to 6pm. The bouncy was set up and ready by 10:30 and after an entire day of playing in it my kids were exhausted! My family left at the end of Evan’s and we briefly wondered if Luke would have any guests. But I knew my cousin and her 4 year old were planning to come and 1 girl from Luke’s old public school class had RSVP’d so I wasn’t too worried.
I should have been! 3 more girls from Luke’s old class came, 1 we hadn’t even invited. But apparently she has a younger brother who had been invited by Evan who couldn’t come. Crazy. And Luke’s exuberant, no-impulse control friend Boaz from Social Skills Class (meaning he has high functioning Autism also) came with his younger brother, his crazy grandmother and his exhausted mother!
And all was fine and well until the “altercation”. What I saw were the group of four girls and one of them grab something out of the younger brother of Boaz’s hand and then Boaz was yelling and swinging his fists into the four girls. His mother and I were immediately on the scene trying to stop the physical violence which downgraded into Boaz’s loud use of profanity name calling to the girls.
Long story short after questioning everyone and getting a mixture of stories the middle school girls made the mistake of treating Boaz just like any other middle school boy. They exerted their self-confident power of “you can’t touch me” with sassy words to Boaz along the lines of “Don’t you slide down and hit me or I’ll rip all the hair off your body.”
Well, to a high-functioning Autistic boy that brings a literal image not just a figurative threat. So he called them perverts and they called him names back. As it happens name-calling turned out to be his button they were unknowingly pushing. And then, being girls of today, they took out their camera cell phones and began taking pictures, which prompted the younger brother to grab one which explained what I saw which was the girls grabbing it back.
The real problem began when Boaz decided to take it to the physical level. Which the girls were completely unexpecting. They evaded his poor punches but one girl did take a karate kick to the stomach but it was a shin impact and while I’m sure it hurt, she wasn’t, you know… HURT.
And by then the parents were on the scene. The girls, of course, denied doing anything wrong. “They are such nice girls,” the one mother I was friends with who had stayed told me. I just arched an eyebrow and stayed silent. They are middle-school girls and have been playing with their “word power” for several years now. Catty with their friends and worse with their enemies they are in the process of learning how to manipulate and order around boys. But they don’t realize that I am the Master of that and I see their tactics easily.
Once assured they were physically fine and heard their denials that they did or started anything I dismissed them to their drama. They were calling their parents to pick them up. Only one was emotionally shaken and she was my focus… her I stuck around until I knew she was okay. Once Boaz was seated into a time-out and we’d dug what facts we could, I distracted the girls while they waited for their ride with cake (leftover) and the parting toys box. They found some bubbles and were happily playing rather quickly.
Before the girls left, Boaz, with the true sincerity of the Autistic, apologized and one girl (with a smirk I noticed) apologized for name calling. They left with Boaz actually trying to convince them to still be friends. My boys were oblivious that any of this was going on, happily playing in the obstacle course before, during and after all the drama. The girls kept saying, “We’re just sorry for Luke that this ruined his party.” Such bullshit. It didn’t ruin the party for Luke. It ruined the party for them!
The best part, in my mind, was the lesson I hope these girls took with them. Beware of who you taunt because you cannot rely on them playing by your rules EVERY time. You just might come across that girl or boy who decides they’ve taken enough and escalates it. Just like sexually taunting a man or boy might get you into a situation you didn’t expect.
The worst part is Conor is very similar to Boaz in his automatic physical reaction to pain or anger (which is really just pain). Conor will strike another quickly if he feels justified, no hesitation. So I’ve been trying to teach to Conor the difference between “on purpose” and “accident” because that’s the level he gets hurt by his peers. All on accident. And if its on purpose? Well, I tell him to talk to a coach or a teacher or me and let us try to help words solve the problem. But if words and grown ups don’t help… then go ahead and solve it your way.
But with Conor I pointed out if he reacted with violence to someone who hurt him accidentally then HE becomes the person who hurt “on purpose” and if that boy hit him back… that boy would be right to do so. Flag Football is actually bringing up instances where I can teach him this WHEN it happens, because I’m never there when he plays at school.
Now if I can only get his father to remind him of all this BEFORE and maybe during each practice and game I might have a young man who won’t take Shit from anyone but won’t be attacking girls at age 12 just because they called him names.