My Ex doesn’t communicate very well. He’ll be the first to tell you that forming what to say, for him, is a concentrated effort. He had real difficulty as a child. I excel, sometimes, at reading people so I was pretty good at figuring out what he wanted when we were married.
Now that we are divorced our communication is a hit and miss situation. Classic example is the custody of our middle son. He is twelve now and if we were to go to court a judge would take his desires into consideration in awarding custody. When my Ex refused to take custody of our 14 year old for his weekends I got a lot of questions from my twelve year old as to why Luke “gets to stay with you and I don’t?”
My reaction was a compromise between his desires and the Divorce Agreement Custody Arrangements. Take him one extra weekend a month (so the 2nd when its my weekend AND the 4th weekend). With the Ex’s agreement, of course. During the Christmas custody fiasco, Evan told his father he wanted to stay with me. His father agreed. So a week before the 4th weekend in January I sent his father a Change of Custody Agreement for him to sign. You know, to confirm this change.
Just to recap a bit, his father has refused custody of his 14 year old since December, so I the Agreement was also to get it in writing that he’s refusing to take custody. I have emails and proof that he’s not picking up the boy, so I didn’t think he’d care that I’m just asking for a paper trail of HIS choices. But, not surprisingly, I heard no word.
Turns out though, there was no school on the Friday of the 4th weekend in January so their father came to my house to pick them up. Evan asked me if he was staying with me. I told him I’d not heard and to ask his father. He went to the car, had a conversation I did not hear since I’m in the house, and then returned saying he was staying. I did not receive any emails from his father to the contrary! lol
So the 4th weekend in February rolls around… this last weekend… and this issue comes up again on Friday. Now, Luke is STILL persona-non-grata at his father’s residence. And we’ve never heard back from the email I sent to the Ex asking for an official change in custody. Evan asks me if he’s staying with me. I tell him I don’t know but to pack as if he’s not.
“If your father doesn’t pick you up, send me a text and I’ll come get you,” I told him.
Guess who got a text. lol. That’s right. His father didn’t pick him up so he began walking home. The boy got out at 1:50, his father usually picks him up by 2pm and I got a text from him at 2:12pm to come pick him up. Which I did.
Now, did I get an email or a phone call or an angry text demanding his 12 year old son? No. I DID send him an email that Friday stating that we had the 10 year old’s Nintendo with us cuz we didn’t know if he’d be picking up Evan & Evan usually transports the electronic devices to and from locations. And that since we heard no word to the contrary, we can “assume” he’s agreeing to the custody change since he didn’t pick him up from school. And did he want to come by and pick up the 10 year old’s Nintendo?
I sent the email Friday night. I checked my email all day Saturday and was home all day Saturday, in case he wanted to pick up the Nintendo. I did not hear back until Sunday at 10am. And the email was ludicrous. It stated…
“Your refusal to send the children for their court mandated visitations does not in any way constitute my agreement. You are in violation of the marital settlement agreement and the child custody order.”
I’m laughing my ass off. I can’t “refuse” anything you don’t ask or even demand! And HE was the one refusing to take custody of his 14 year old. Not once has he informed me he had or has changed his mind and will now take the 14 year old on his weekends. It was the twelve year old’s desire to have the 4th weekend and not ONCE did he say NO to this suggestion. Not via email or text or even in person. And he said nothing about the poor 10 year old’s electronic device!
Since he feels I should interpret his “silences” then he can’t bitch about how I’ll interpret them! I’m not going to nag him to force his compliance. And I’m not going to nag him about communicating every little thing.
Because in the past he’s proven that a fruitless endeavor. He’ll often ignore my emails and texts. He’ll pass on schedule information through the children (which isn’t fair to them NOR as trustworthy as he thinks it is!) or send THEM texts instead of sending ME texts. Which is REALLY amusing since I bought them cheap Trak phones which get MUCH less reception when we are home that MY iPhone does. So THAT isn’t very reliable.
There isn’t a judge on the planet who will think I’m denying him custodial rights when he refuses to take custody of the 14 year old AND then doesn’t pick up the 12 year old.
And I told him all this in my reply. And told him that custody is a fluid thing. That it doesn’t HAVE to be strictly enforced. That if both parties agree that it can be changed. He’s changed it in December without my agreement, not I.
And why is he making a fuss? He’s not demanding his weekends with the kids or he’d have sent me an email telling me he’s picking up Evan. (and Luke) No, he’s making a fuss cuz he doesn’t want me to sue him for child support. Because right now, people, he’s not paying me a dime. And I have 100% custody of the 14 year old, 65% custody of the 10 year old and if the weekend switch stays the same probably 75% custody of the 12 year old.
Tell me a judge isn’t going to order some child support if I sue for it. Especially when I tell him the 14 year old is eating the equivalent of 6 full meals a day!
