One of my favorite Christmas songs. Worth the listen, I promise!
I bet you never thought you’d hear me say that. But the other day I was meeting an interesting new man and I had an epiphany. (Two actually but one was on my writing (I posted it already) & not about me. Ok.. not about me & sex… sheesh people stop “lawyering” me!)
Aaaanyway… During the coffee meet I realized my libido was having an internal discussion. Well, more like she was talking to herself… evaluating this man. Yes, yes, that’s normal on a meet from a dating site… even a sex dating site… but I’ve found that I find MOST men I’ve met, interesting in some way. Interesting enough for my libido that is… who is remembering my “he’s interesting” response to Sex God & how after a few months of chatting he somehow manifested into the perfect sex partner for me.
So my libido is naturally inclined to “test” each man not just on a meet but in the bedroom and I think I’ve said “yes” to some men just on that basis. I also end up testing to see just how fun they are OUTSIDE the bedroom which is a HUGE component of what I search for in a FWB. Of the men I’ve met since I re-opened my profile there are only a select few who’ve managed to hit all my criteria for an FWB.
My Phat Boy… who is close, wonderful in bed, with gorgeous blue eyes & is absolutely NOT shy about going out with me & crowing to other men he’s with me.
My Hottie… who loves the same music as I, is simply delicious naked & is so engaging in conversation we tend to forget we’d made plans to go out. lol. When I told him I’ve fallen in love with the new album from Young the Giant he started listening to their music & is now sharing the enthusiasm with me. I’ve been soooo pressing for him to join me at Coachella next year!
My Santa Barbara Cub who is the perfect afternoon delight cuz he runs his own business from anywhere, has a tool almost identical to Sex God’s and has the most unique perspective on life I’ve ever seen… it just fascinates me. Oh and the BEST ass I’ve ever seen on a man, and I’ve seen many an ass! 😉
Mmmmm… sexy ass…. where was I? Oh yes.. my epiphany.
As I was talking to this man & giving him the once over, I realized my only interest was more out of pity than desire. He had exotic looks being half German (from Germany) and half Asian. But like other German men I’d met, he had little muscle on his frame. Not overweight.. just… soft looking. He also wasn’t spouting enthusiasm. In other words, he wasn’t finding me so fascinating or the subject of our discussion captivating that he couldn’t wait to spend more time with me. These things tend to make me desire to spend more time with HIM.
And as we said goodbye at my car, I found myself almost getting ready to give him the “oh, we should get together some time, I’ll email you my info” line that I’ve said so often after a meet. And I stopped myself. I just couldn’t half-lie to this man & then later either stall a play date till he stops asking or sacrifice one of my few play nights to go out with him.
Because, as most women know, one never knows how a man will take rejection. I truly despise hurting a person & trashing their hopes. Sooo often in the past when I wanted to break up with someone I’d stall and stall until finally the thought of hurting them was so less repugnant than spending another moment with them. Only THEN could I break it off.
Once, a long time ago, I was leaving my BF’s apartment after a slight confrontation where I wasn’t nearly as upset over our tiff as he thought I should be. He comes chasing after me & says to me as I’m pulling out… “At what point in time where you going to tell me you’d stopped being my girlfriend!” I replied, “Now works.” And drove off. Yea, bad… but funny!
Yet, if I’ve learned ONE thing in this new growth of discovery, which is my life, its to leap into Fate’s lessons. So I was nice but honest and told him I didn’t think there was chemistry. He was nice and honest & said these things happen. And we parted ways…
And Wowza… did I feel GREAT about it!!
I’d done it! I’d resisted my… “ooohhh… but look at him.. when was the last time he had sex? And sex is so fun, he should be having as much fun as you do.” community service feeling about intimacy.
But see… while I’m all for casual sex and I can have tons of casual sex (with condoms… get real people!) without feeling bad or needing an emotional connection…. (which i s why I’d make such a happy hooker..) … Sex equals time. And TIME is what I’m starting to have less and less of.
Because usually at this point, when I’ve got several new friends to discover and play with, this is the point I usually close my profile and play just with my new or favorite men. And I’m looking at my calendar shaking my head saying.. hell, when am I even going to fit Sex God in!?!
I have many meets ahead… and I think Fate is going to give me a lot of practice in being honest & saying no in person. Because she keeps distracting me with images of Hottie, & Phat Boy, Sex God & B with the taunting words of “is this worth giving up a day with them?”
Obviously… she was seriously paying attention when I read the Merry Gentry series by Laurel K Hamilton… cuz MERRY ended up with LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of men!
Then again…. they’d all play together. 😉
That used to be what I told people about why I’ve not progressed in my writing. That I enjoy the writing but despise the editing. But, the other day in a conversation, I realized that wasn’t true. I enjoy editing… I can re-read and polish and read and revise a work again and again just enjoying getting the flow just right.
Then what was it that made me feel I was an inexperienced writer? That I didn’t know what I was doing? That my work “wasn’t ready to submit to an agent, an editor, a publisher?
Editing the plot was what I realized I didn’t know how to do.
I can write every detail and polish it until it flows.. but I find it very difficult to discern if this detail is necessary to the plot or just me writing EVERYTHING that occurs to me would happen.
So to try and not get bogged down in minutia, I outlined a basic plot of the first book in the Multi-verse series & the first book in the Slut series. And while in the “full of epiphanies” conversation I was delivering my standard joke of “I write about sex & relationships cuz that’s what I know! haha”, I realized in all the plotting I’d done, I’d left out all the sex! How can a book be erotic if no one ends up in bed until the end! That’s just a romance!
In my area of Los Angeles there are several people begging. The same people begging in the same few spots. A guy on a bike, a woman with a dog or rabbit or whatever she has that day or my personal irritant a woman with her kids.
Most of the time I ignore these people. They are outside of my post office or sitting at the off-ramp of my exit on the freeway. I’ve seen a lot of different people working the off-ramps and on-ramps of high traffic area in Pasadena. One on each corner. One young woman, looked hale & healthy & was actually smiling as she walked the line of stopped cars waiting… held captive by the red light… holding out her “Please help” can.
There was a news spot a bit ago that followed some people begging on a corner. They surveillance them for a day and at the the end of the day they watched these “homeless beggars” walk over to a waiting car and drive to a very nice house in a very nice neighborhood. Seems free money had become very lucrative for them. Tax free, also.
It is with this knowledge that I explain to my kids the need to balance the possibility people are telling the truth with the possibility they are lying. Explain to them why I’m ignoring these “shoved in my nose” pleas for help.
Then several months ago I see a woman with her 4 year old sitting in front of my post office begging with a sign. And I’m disgusted. One… if you are truthfully homeless… you better HOPE child services doesn’t find out and remove your child from your custody. And Two.. if you aren’t homeless, just what the hell are you teaching your child! On one such occasion I walk past her I said, “You are lucky I don’t call Social Services.”
So the other day I go to the post office and sure enough … there is a man there with his 3 or 4 year old in a stroller with a “please help” sign. He looks like a Hispanic immigrant & his son looks healthy & happy. On the way out I mention the social services comment again and I’m confidently ignored.
And I get pissed. And I realize I have a new iPhone. Now I can snap a picture and easily send it anywhere. Hell… all I really have to do is “pretend” to take a picture!
Often in these situations… Fate is giving me the opportunity to do something, act upon my impulses or beliefs, or to walk away and do nothing. I’ve never regretted it when I take action, no matter how terrifyingly confrontational it may seem.
So I hold up my cell phone, prepped and ready and take a picture. By now the wife with the baby is also with the group, begging on the OTHER side of the doors. The father sees me holding up my phone to take a picture and I watch the four of them scamper off as fast as possible.
And I’ll be honest. It felt good. Life is expensive in Los Angeles. Yes. It’s huge & work can sometimes seem to be easy to find, but it’s not easy to live frugally here. But is begging the answer? If times are tough, turn to family. No family? Find a place where it is cheaper or move wherever you can find work. And if you are going to go begging…. don’t take your kids with you. People might sympathize more but you’re taking a big risk that those kids won’t get taken away from you.
The average homeless person is either conquered by their addiction or their mental illness or maybe circumstances. I know giving to them, to those less fortunate than I, it might feel good in the moment…. but I often feel like I’m just enabling them.
I’d rather give money to a shelter.
It seems like every group has a Union or a representative of some sort. Farmers, Teachers, Cops, Firemen, Garment Workers, Auto Workers, Nurses…. everyone! I’m wondering if we ever legalized prostitution would we Sluts get a Union?
I mean, its kind of enjoyable to imagine it. 😉
I’m sure the meetings would be extremely casual wear, maybe held in a hotel room. Then again, women like the power of their individual hotness… so maybe there would be a lot of “Personal Specialty” wear. That would be very, very fun. Because there would definitely be some “Ooooo, I love those boots! Where did you get that bustier!”
There may not be snacks but I’m sure alcohol would be served!
And what perks are we Unionizing for? John provided condoms? The rights to video tape the work place “for protection”?
Obviously it wouldn’t be TOO difficult to “bribe” a politician! We have the currency EVERYONE wants whether they admit it or not! heeheehee
UPDATE:
Turns out there IS an advocacy group! PONY… Prostitutes of New York, there to try and decriminalize it & help support sex workers. Thanks to Chip for spreading their good work! 🙂
So.. the other day when I went into the ladies locker room of the gym, there was this woman just standing there. She wasn’t changing or dressing after the shower or anything. Initially I barely noticed because I had my iPhone blasting some Young the Giant in my ears. (They are so wonderful to listen to!!) But in the process of undressing for the shower I have to part with my music and that’s when I noticed this woman wasn’t just standing there, she was talking.
Of course, in this day and age, I assumed she was talking on the phone. But after a little observation (she was walking and talking all over the locker area) I realized the only conversation she was having was with her “imaginary friends.” She was obviously schizophrenic.
Thankfully, she seemed completely oblivious to me. I swear I took the fastest shower on the planet!! Because if she WASN’T an afflicted nut-case then she was a thief PRETENDING to be an afflicted nut-case… and is waiting to steal my new iPhone from my locker. (yea, yea, I should lock it, but knowing me I’d lose the combination or it would stick, blah, blah, excuse, excuse. But I don’t bring my valuable to the gym for this very reason.)
While I was dressing, she went on with her “private” conversation. I was very thankful her train of thought wasn’t agitating her. I didn’t need “crazy” exploding into something while I was in my panties & bra!
An one point she left the locker room . I didn’t see her as I left & assumed she’d left the gym completely. The next morning I asked Arpi, the regular worker there, how had this woman got into the gym. Not only do you have to enter in your code you have to scan a finger or be stopped by personnel.
Her answer…. “She had a membership!”
Oh Jeez!
You can barely see it, but someone glued army men to the rocks outside the exit of a ride.
So Sex God turned forty something this month and he found a special deal on Magic Mountain tickets through LivingSocial.com and I went with him as his B-Day present. It was a good deal. $55 for admission, 1 free ride pix & an all you can eat picnic buffet. It was for a specific day & I had the kids, but the Ex took my older boys camping for Scouts so I parked Conor with Grandma.
Apocolypse ride
And it was a pretty great B-day for Sex God because the weatherman was predicting rain. But it barely sprinkled and 6 Flags doesn’t consider that enough to close most of its rides! Yet apparently everyone ELSE decided to skip going cuz the park was pretty empty for a Saturday!
We first went to X2 but the ride was being fixed, we found out while in line, so we hopped out of line and hit Viper instead. And I remembered how much fun and terrifying roller coasters were! But I survived and Sex God was ecstatic! And almost no line for the next one! After which I discovered I was starting to get a queasy stomach.
This ride has the best first drop & then straight into a tunnel. After that its just loops & loops!
Apparently either age or the fact I was going from one roller coaster to another with almost no break was setting off my equilibrium… my seasickness was kicking in. (Just like when I got hugely drunk at ILCA & was feeling sick but couldn’t induce vomited no matter how much I tried.) I bravely fought if off with snacks & breathing and went on the next ride! lol My sister-in-law told me later she took Bonine & didn’t have a single nauseous moment. Okay!
Hmmm. I felt warmth.. was that fire? Yes, Yes it was.
When I hit my limit Sex God sweetly let me sit a ride out! haha. Then suckered me into the X2 minutes before they closed the park. I soooo didn’t want to go even more when I heard about the ride’s flipping chairs! Cuz by then it was dark! But before I knew it I was strapped in.
I treated it just like birth. Knowing it wasn’t longer than 4 minutes I figured I could tolerate the ride if I kept my eyes closed. I felt warmth & light & wondered if we’d just spun through fire. (Sex God later confirmed that with a “Oh yea!”) I did peak just once and I was soooo glad I’d decided to keep my eyes shut! The world was a giant spinning blur.
Cuz I have to take my glasses off for roller coasters and lets admit it… I’m pretty blind!
It’s probably a reason I don’t stare at the face of my men during sex… I can’t see you!?!
Family gathering is never without SOME drama! lol Without my oldest melting down into an Anxiety mess or my youngest stomping off announcing he’s going to kill us all. But we had ALL the family together for this one.
My sister & her family drove up from San Diego & were staying at my mothers. So I go over on Thanksgiving day, with my boys, at 10 am to help out and socialize. Before I even get to leave I get a call that my brother-in-law wants to take the boys to a movie with his kids. Its an animated one so only my two younger ones want to go. I’m fine with it so we hurry over.
As we arrive, I’m surprised as I watch my sister hop in the car with them. Off they go to see Arthur Christmas, leaving me, my oldest son Luke and my mother to finish any cooking or setting up. With little socializing at all to be had. I talk to my Mom daily! Almost 3 hours later my sister comes back with the kids & without her husband. I find out that apparently my sister didn’t go to the movie, she went shopping with my sister-in-law. And once the movie was done, she left her husband at my brothers to watch some football. They’re taking turns with their kids.
Granted their kids are only 5 & 7 and at that age they’re still a handful. Especially when you won’t let them watch much t.v. And they’re one boy & one girl so they don’t really play the same way nor want to play much with each other. And I completely get the exhaustion & desire of a vacation from kids.
But what I don’t get is why my mother and I are such bad company. Why did I drag my kids over so early to help & see my sister if she was just going to bail & see my sister-in-law who she sees all the time. Who she hung out with at my mothers the night before.
When my sister got back, she sat & talked with us a little bit & then convinced the kids to go on a scavenger walk looking for leaves, etc. This time my middle one stayed back. My mother leafed through magazines while T-Day texts blew up my phone (irritates my Mom but pleases me to no end! I love it, though) Once back from the nature hike my sister saw my mother & I working in the kitchen. The turkey was almost out of the oven & we were working on the last things needed cooking. And she asked if we wouldn’t mind if she went out for a little jog. I think it was our surprised looks that prompted her excuses of “I need it. It’ll be a short run. You’ve got everything in hand. The kids will be fine.”
My sister is a stick. No fat anywhere on her body. Barely eats, tans in the bed. Needless to say she looks way closer to 50 than I do & she’s 5 years younger than I! And she’s much more narcissistic. Designer clothes, expensive trips & has always needed help with her kids. (Granted her oldest got her genetic hyperactivity & her husband was a Navy Doc, then a new practice Doc, then a University Doc & now back to a Navy Doc… so not as “lump in the room” there as other husbands, but also so super busy my sister has to do the majority of the parenting.)
But much of her time is about her. Even the social time with the family. Most of us are used to it, but today… Thanksgiving… I’m sitting here wondering where did MY day go. At what point did my mother and I get to do what WE wanted? Would I have enjoyed shopping? Yes, actually I would have. But I wouldn’t have done it and left my Mom alone on Thanksgiving.
Its not the meal. That’s not why I love Thanksgiving. Its spending it with others… with adults. That is what is fun and enjoyable about Thanksgiving. Its why my Mother loves it also. Instead its become: show up for dinner, socialize during it, help with clean up, have desert and bail. Why am I helping to cook all day a big dinner for this?
Worse, the only time I enjoyed myself (beyond the texting all day) was the brief moment my sister-in-law asked if I was still dating “that guy you brought over last summer” i.e. Sex God. I said, I’d date him forever and she looked at me strangely. Because she’s happily married. I gave her the usual… neither of us will ever marry & we’re good with that.
As we were getting ready to leave I realized something. I realized that the only time I enjoyed myself was when the conversation was about me. Or when I had something to contribute to it. And I have less and less in common with my relatives. I might have a little on common musically with my 17 year old nephew but my influence would probably corrupt the poor child. I don’t read the same books as them. I don’t ski or water ski or camp. I’m not a Republican. I’m not in their tax bracket. And I definitely don’t go to THEIR church… worse.. I don’t go to any church.
Sometimes when I’m with them… I’m only half me. I’m mostly just a Mom. Maybe a minute of discussion of how work is going or if I am writing anything. All just parts of me & not what I’m exceptionally passionate about. The things that seem exciting to me, I cannot discuss any of this with my family.
Although in turnabout I often don’t discuss my kids or my family much with that other part of my life. Except with Sex God. As my “boyfriend” he gets the whole package… all of me. He’s seen and still likes “Mom” me and even met my entire family. If his Ex & kids didn’t need him for the holidays I’d beg his company with me.
Just so I could genuinely smile at someone during the evening.
My oldest, my high anxiety boy, came to me Monday all distressed that his brothers, this family, the world, society at large didn’t embrace the true traditions of Thanksgiving. That they didn’t show true gratitude for what they had. (Peace Core… here he comes… haha)
So we had a brief discussion about it. Brief because when he gets like this there is no persuading him otherwise so I usually just send him off to play video games for an hour so he doesn’t escalate it into a full blown depression. Bad parenting, maybe, but it works. Brief also because he tends to come home after a weekend with his father this upset over things. Makes me believe he’s not taking his meds there. Sigh. Discussion only in trying to point out the shades of gray he need practice seeing.
But I believe my children are old enough to start truly looking at their lives with a bit more gratitude. We all tend to look back on the year at New Years Eve but Thanksgiving at its core is a harvest festival. We’re supposed to be thankful that we have enough to make it through the winter. An analogy that doesn’t play in today’s modern world. So instead we tend to look at our lives, back at our year and contemplate what we are thankful for.
Today at Luke’s counseling session he told me (after) that his counselor suggested he stop worrying about the world. That doing it was making him too stressed. (Sure, take the word of the guy over Mom… lol… but that’s why he see’s him.. to get through to him… still!) So he said he’d try. And lucky for him today is a day of doing nothing. Home from school, not having to come with me to work, he has nothing on his docket all day but a few chores. We shall see how well he takes the therapists words to heart.
Especially since I took the youngest with me to work. Luke is inordinately worried about the behavior of his youngest brother and gets along with the middle son well, when the youngster is not in the picture. So without this “responsibility” perhaps he’ll enjoy his day.
I’m thankful for a lot of things. My social calendar is full to bursting. My finances are slowly sorting themselves out (baby step progress is still progress!) My oldest & youngest are doing well in school. I have a job I enjoy that fits my Mom lifestyle. And I haven’t gained BACK the 5 lbs I lost since Spring.
I have the boys this year for Thanksgiving. So we’re going to my mothers. We’ll be joined by my brother’s family (him home recovering from knee & hip surgery), my sister & her family and my mother’s friend Laura & son(s). It’s the usual crowd with the addition of my sister up from San Diego and we might all fit around the table without a kids table… but we’ll see. So it’ll be the usual situation of me as main assistant helper to my mom & my sister & sister-in-law doing much less on the excuse of waiting for instruction. lol. Although without my brother I have no idea who’s going to carve the bird!
Luke asked his youngest brother in the car if he was thankful for ANYTHING! Worry and sarcasm in his voice. Conor, totally immersed in his Nintendo 3Ds replied,
“Sure I am. I’m thankful I don’t live under a bridge!”
Perspective people.. with kids its all about perspective!
Vanaprasta
So, yes… I won another 98.7 contest. The amusing part is I won two. And on the second one, not only did I win, but so did Sex God and my best friend, Eithne. See… I earn & enter points for them and we were all entered for the Vanaprasta CD Release Penthouse Party. And we all won! haha.
So we each took a guest! Sex God invited a co-worker & his girlfriend and his boss. Sex God scampered out of work early to meet me at my house. Then we picked up Eithne and sped off to the Penthouse. I’d been there so many times I knew exactly how to get there. But traffic can be complicated during rush hour so I was speeding about.
Eithne opted to watch in comfort
“Oh God… we’re gonna die,” came out of Sex God’s mouth several times. heeheehee. We got there on time and then had to wait and wait for our guests to arrive. Thank Heaven there is valet parking cuz there is no parking around Hollywood! I ushered everyone inside and asked if they wanted cool stairs or haunted elevator. They chose the elevator, which is small but not only did we cram the six of us inside, 3 more people followed us on!
They weren’t serving any moonshine at the Penthouse but they did have free soda, beer & pizza. The usual. After about an hour of talking, drinking & eating, the band came out & played 4 songs. I was pleasantly pleased with their sound, considering I’d really never heard them before.
My iPhone has a camera!
The band’s singer was wonderfully energetic and bore an amazing resemblance to a man I dated (also in a band, but a drummer) 20 years ago! I wondered briefly if he had a son. hehe. He kept making eye contact and grinning… so I hung on Sex God a little more.
Then we took pictures & scampered away, well pleased with the evening. The best part of these unknown events is getting a nice night out with entertainment and all for free. I haven’t seen a band YET that I’ve been disappointed in.
Guess I’ll just have to keep winning 🙂
My back, Sex God, Eithne, Sex God's Boss & Co workers
Oh , and the other contest I won was for an In-Studio performance of a band called Milagres. Never heard of them either but THIS contest was for all ages. So since Sex God also won we took my oldest & youngest with us to this event.
They were on their best behavior but a little bored. The band had an unusual techno sound to it. Now whenever a new song comes on the radio they both ask me if THIS was the band they saw with me. lol.. no, boys.. but someday I will
Sex God & I withe the band
take you with me on a Coachella Music Festival Weekend. When you’re in your late teens and can appreciate it! lol
