My middle son has a huge, loving heart. He’s pretty shy but a bundle of happy fun with people he knows. And he’s been bullied at school for the past 4 years.
Mostly just name calling and the classic “I’m bored so I’m going to entertain myself by picking on you” thing. For most of those years I explained what might be motivating the Bullies in order to help him learn to find a way to deal with it. His way was to quietly hope they didn’t notice them.
I watched helplessly as they turned my happy, sweet boy into a shy, friendless victim who felt he just had to endure it and hope they eventually lost interest in picking on him. I watched him just “take it” when his younger (and half his weight) brother would lose his temper and attack. (at least until I could get there and stop it.)
I did what I could to motivate and encourage and help but I was stymied. I could stop the crap at home but could do nothing about the shit happening at school. The bullying caused him to self-isolate (hide) and that eliminated his ability to make friends, which led directly into more group bullying.
He was happy last month when school started. He loved his teacher and some of the bullying kids weren’t in his class. Plus the noisy girls weren’t in the class either, making it hard for him to hear and concentrate on learning (he has a learning disability with memorization) with their incessant talking. But by the end of that first week he explained to me that some of the bullying was starting up again.
I told him as long as they thought of him as a victim, they would continue to target him for bullying. I explained fighting back would probably stop them. He argued that he didn’t WANT to fight anyone, but admitted that sometimes they made him so mad he’d fantasized it. He was worried if he fought back, he’d have to fight ALL the time to keep the bullies off him and he didn’t like fighting.
So I told him the example of the first time I paddled my hair-trigger temper youngest child with a ruler on his bare butt. You may think it extreme but I only had to explain and do it once (maybe thrice) and after that the threat was enough to bring his rampaging temper tantrum down to listening level. I reminded my son it was the THREAT of it that curbed it once I followed through.
I asked him, “What’s the worst that could happen if you demanded they stop.”
He argued, “They’d hit me.”
I asked, “And if you hit them back? You’re twice their size. What’s the worst that would happen.”
His revealing answer, “I’d get in trouble.”
Me.. with a smile cuz he thought THAT was the worst that could happen… “So? You get caught by the teacher and worst case scenario they call me into the office and they suspend you. You know what I would do?”
He shrugs.
I tell him with total sincerity, “You’d get a day off school and I’d take you out for pizza and ice cream. Let’s be clear, if you get into ANY trouble for standing up for yourself… you get pizza and ice cream from me.”
He ginned and we dropped the subject but the next week.. he DID it!
It was the first thing he told me when I picked him up from school that following Friday. The bullies tried poking and hitting his backpack and he pushed them away. They staggered back and were so stunned they left him alone for a day. I asked my son how he felt standing up for himself and he said, “I felt great!… and the best part was, it worked! When I joined a game of kick-ball and Eric told me to get away and I said, ‘why’ and he didn’t have anything to say.. so I got to play.”
My son had done it. In one fell swoop he’d saved his own self-esteem. I’ve never been so proud of him. And you can SEE the difference. The way he walks is just a little taller, the smile comes more easily to his face. He doesn’t hid as much under his black hoodie. It is just amazing.
The bullies keep testing him. They tried words and his new found confidence struggled a bit. But I reminded him.. pizza and ice cream. He bravely tried the classic rejoinder, “Sounds like you’re talking about yourself” when they called him stupid. And was thrilled that shut them up. Now he doesn’t take their shit.
The last time it got physical he did end up in front of a teacher. But when he told them he was standing up to their bullying of years.. he didn’t get in trouble… just like I told him he wouldn’t.
Over the last few weeks.. other kids have begun to hang around him. Complimenting him on how he’s been handling Eric, Anthony and Andre. Him and his new friends have been banning together as a group and have actually managed to separate the bullying threesome. Eric and Anthony have been choosing to hang with the group instead of bullying with Eric.
Perhaps it’s not as important to “protect” your child’s self esteem as much as enable them to protect it themselves. Because when they do.. it’s secure for life against what the future may hold for them.
O.. and one other point. What Mommy learned in all that. My brain kept coming up with ways to stop the verbal bullying and they were all aggressive and rude and pretty mean. Sure, they would have worked. But they weren’t my son. And using them would have changed him. Probably even changed him into a bullying personality.
I kept my mouth shut. And boy was my gut correct. He handled the verbal teasing the next day.. on his own, with his own come back. In his mind it was Evan 2, bullies 0. He was beaming when he told me.
To me it was Evan infinity, bullies “eat my dust”!
Needless to say.. I owe the boy pizza and ice cream.