Spam It!

Oh.  My.   God.  I’ve figured out why we all get spam!  Because it works!

There are enough of us who click on that advertisement or spam email or call about the flyer or menu you got in the mail to make the entire process worth  it.  Not worth it to you, you’re an  idiot!  But to the advertiser and marketer and seller.. totally worth it!

How do I know this?  Because last night I sent out a broadcast email to 1300 of our past customers (half of the emails we have) letting them know that we have “ON SALE!” ….  our vhs tapes.

I truly was almost embarrassed to send this out.  I mean, WHO still uses vhs?  Uses vhs enough to BUY a new one, even if it is on sale for $5.00..  WHO!!  I figured, no one… this is a waste of time.

And then I went in to work today.  OMG.  The amount of people ordering vhs tapes from our shopping cart was baffling!  This was VHS!!!  I spent all day printing!

Last night it took me 2 hours to get half the list emailed out.  At my deservedly high salary that’s about $35 – $40 expense.  We needed at least 8 vhs tapes sold to make that money back.  I crossed my fingers as I sent out batches of email 25 at a time.   Yet, in less than 24 hours we’ve sold 35.  35 vhs video tapes of videos that were mostly made in 1984!!!

This must be what the first bottled water salesman felt like.


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Shit My Kids Ruined

I truly never thought I’d see a web page that made me want to run out and find a photo!  Thanks, AGAIN, to  The Bloggess for being big enough that someone sent this hysterical link to her.  To all the parents who might be reading my blog… this site should be a staple we add to on a regular basis!

Shit my kids ruined

I especially enjoyed the “my sanity” one!

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Me and Scotland (OMG Part three!)

Okay.. to recap from Part One & Two… London, Bath, Stonehenge, York, Hadrian’s Wall, Edinburgh, Geddes.  Trains, taxi, Big Patricia, food poisoning, Birds.

Once on the road again from the exciting town of Geddes, we got back on the highway and headed for Inverness. Along the way I was able to do the ONE thing I wanted to do all trip (No, NOT what you’re thinking!)  I got to stand in (okay, near) a field of Heather.  Turns out Heather is very common because its a short, tough, prickly bush!  With small, pretty flowers.

Once in Inverness, we took a horseback tour of Loch Ness.  No monster.  It was also where we turned in the car!  Yeah!!!  I was very, very happy to get back on the scenic and relaxing trains.

Yet we had to do a bit of shopping.  Having read Fodors’ guide I knew we were in Cashmere country and the little town of Elgin was known well for its yummy cashmere.  So we popped off the train and had the taxi driver take us to his favorite cashmere shop.  He only had to wait a few hours while we shopped because the selection in our price range was pretty limited!

Once back on the train we took the route along the western coast and saw the countryside where golf was invented.  It was beautiful.  We passed through Aberdeen and headed to Sterling, home of the famous William Wallace.   We could have easily enjoyed a day touring the city.  But had only hours, so we had a taxi driver give us a quick tour.  Which included the sites like, “There’s the place they housed the crew for filming Braveheart, and here’s where Mel Gibson stayed.”

We spent that night in a Castle between  Sterling and Glasgow.  It was quite authentic and had a formal dinner which we had to dress fancy for.  I got to prove to my mother that I remembered ALL those manners she’d taught me as a child which I rarely used because I don’t hang with people who go to “formal dinners!”

The trip ended in Glasgow which is an industrial city and look a lot like any city in America or London.  And was also where we had arranged for my mother to do a small lecture so she could write off the entire adventure as a business expense!

Knowing the trip was ending we took a fast train to London and  hoped on a plane home.  Thoroughly relaxed and smiling.  Everything went pretty much as planned and spontaneously as we’d hoped.  We knew basically where we were going and where we’d be staying and all the little details in between were delightful surprises.

Best way to travel.  I highly recommend it.


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40 Virgins in Heaven

My mother is going to a Muslim country.  She has to wear an Abaya to completely cover up.  And it brings up one of the most laughable part of Islamic belief.  The part that Westerners seem to think motivates so  many terrorists (actually I’m sure there’s  money involved.. that’s the worlds real motivator.)

The reward of “getting” 40 Virgins in Heaven.

I mean, how is that a reward?!  I had a virgin ONCE.  We tried to have sex 4 times and 4 times he never managed to “copulate” with me before he “finished.”   So ladies, I wouldn’t recommend a Jihad, because 40 inexperienced or sexually dysfunctional men sounds more like my personal Hell than Heaven.

And lets take a look at just what women might still be virgins in Heaven for any terrorist to choose from.  Assuming you don’t “age” in Heaven you’ve got pre-pubescent girls (so now you go from terrorist to pedophilia – not an un-logical step in my book).  Or you have very young women or older girls who died “tragically” young.   And now have soooooo much drama to talk through, with you the only shrink – run, boy, run!

Or you can choose from probably the largest source of virgins in heaven.  Catholic Nuns.  Which if you look at it is almost poetic justice.   Nothing seems more fair to me for a terrorist who cowardly and immaturely attacks innocent citizens (to try and make a political and religious point, no less!) than for him to be stuck with 40 Catholic Nuns armed with rulers!

Guess there is a God.

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Fame in my Family

Almost everyone in my family has been on television or had a minor brush with fame in one way or another.  Not “big” fame and not always on television fame but a little bit more than the average family.  (Well, perhaps not a COPS family!)

The latest person brushing with fame is my sister’s husband.  He’s a very ambitious man.  Got  his medical degree in Urology in the Navy and did a fellowship at Duke to learn a specific laproscopic technique.  He left the Navy when his tour was done to take a very high income job in private practice in San Diego.  Then was offered a teaching position at UCSD and eagerly took it.

Apparently, he was recently contacted by the San Diego Zoo.  See, they had this dolphin they discovered had a kidney stone. (No, I have no idea HOW but she had stopped eating & interacting.) And they wanted my brother in law to use his laproscopic technique to break up the kidney stone so she could pass it.  So off to the zoo he goes.

They couldn’t use anesthesia on the poor dolphin so they had 4 burly guys to hold her down while she bugled in pain.  But he saved her life and the dolphin handlers think he’s a god.  Even though in his first try they told him he was in her vagina instead of her urethra.

So he wrote a little paper about it.  And he was invited to speak at another university. (This is exactly how my mother got famous in her circles.)

He’s telling us all about this and we’re suitably entranced by the story and then he drops the final bomb.  The zoo called again.

See… they got this whale….


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Me and Scotland, Part Two

Okay.. to recap from Part One… London, Bath, Stonehenge, York & Edinburgh.  Trains, taxi, Big Patricia, food poisoning.  I forgot to mention we had to taxi it again off the train to visit some portion of Hadrian’s Wall.  Our taxi driver mentioned that over the centuries many of the locals had picked apart the wall to use as personal walls so you could see bits of it here and there across the country.  He took us to the main Tourism site and waited while we “walked” a bit of the wall.

After four days in Edinburgh we were ready to push on with more of the trip.  But the train didn’t travel further north and stop where we wanted so we rented a car and drove up the center of the country to Perth so Patricia could see a Cathedral.   And it was here Patricia parted ways with us and left us with the car.

Which I had to drive.

Bad enough the little car is a stick shift.  (I’m NOT that comfortable driving a stick because I learned on the stress of a ’78 VW Bug.)  And this time not only am I on the wrong side of the car and on the wrong side of the road, I’m shifting with the wrong hand!  I’m just pleased the foot pedals are the same!  Taking a deep breath, I plunge into the adventure of the drive.  And its not so bad.  Shifting in today’s cars is much easier and since it’s not MY car, who gives a shit if I strip a few gears.

Of course, then we come up on some roundabouts.  God’s gift to the directionally challenged.  EVERY time we came up on one we ALWAYS ended up on the wrong street, going the wrong direction.  I never managed to get the hang of it.  It kept flashing me back to being in a taxi in Paris.  Somewhere in Paris (and I’m sure if I CARED I could look it up… notice lack.) there is a huge roundabout converging I don’t know how many streets.  And all Paris drivers are insane and the taxi driver’s have been “certified” as such.  It would be a NASCAR fan’s ultimate fantasy: drive fast, in a big circle, dodging cars like a maniac, while yelling at foreigners.

Anyway… back to Scotland.  We’re driving along and my mother gets it into her head to visit the ancestral home.  Now first off… we’re all American mutts.  But Geddes is a family name and my mother has found a little village on the map of Scotland called Geddes.  She is convinced this is where her family (i.e. the family of her beloved grandfather’s mother) came from.  (Remember I experienced this crazy determination in Gimmeldingen, Germany)

So we head for where it says it is on the map.  And somehow pass it.  We turn around and driving much slower, scanning for signs we manage to pass it again.   We turn around again and this time stop in the middle of the road where its supposed to be,  undecided.  On our left is what looks like 4 factory cottages down a driveway.  On our right is a dirt/grass path-like road.  No where, is there a sign telling us how to get to the village Geddes.

My mother decides it must be down the path on the right.  With a sigh, I head the little car down the dirt/gravel/grass path.  NOT the most fun to drive, in a stick, on the wrong side of the car!  Of course the road is so small there is no “side” to be on the wrong part of.

We’re going slow, because I have no idea where this is and the path-road immediately went into dense woods.  I’d feel like Little Red Riding Hood except I’m in a car!  And then, right in the middle of the road, are what looks like weird birds.  A pack of about 10 of them.  Standing in the middle of the road.  Staring at me.

I, of course, stop.  I honk my horn and the birds don’t move.  I roll down my window and yell, “shoo!”  The birds are now eyeing me oddly.   Giggling a bit I get out of my car to wave my arms at these birds.  And they rush the car!  Jumping back in my car, the birds stop and just stare at us. My mother suggests they may be suicidal so I gun the engine and charge through them.  They scatter and the road quickly turns a corner and we come up to a huge house.

Parking, I thought I was stunned by the odd bird behavior BUT my mothers gets out of the car and says, “Let’s see who’s home!”  She’s up the steps and inside before I can register that she just barged into someone’s home!

Turns out that the Big House was a Bed & Breakfast place.  It was the old Manor House of the Geddes Family.  They were doing spring renovations and weren’t actually open yet.  The cottages we saw were the tenant homes.  And that was all that was left of the little town of Geddes.  How it got on the map, no one new.  (My mother took several brochures, determined to spread the word to her family.. apparently learning nothing from her Germany experiences with wine.)

And the birds.   The birds turned out to be very young Pheasants.  Geddes House was known for its Pheasant Hunting and to make sure there were enough pheasants for the guests to hunt the owner would drive out, all winter, and throw seed from his car.

So.. not suicidal… not secret, Scottish attack birds.  Just half-tamed, wild, cannon fodder.  Oh, yes.. these are my people all right!


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Mother’s Day, Love & Aspergers

Yes,  it’s a bit late to blog about Mother’s Day.  Bite me.   I seem to always be a bit behind.  Ironic since I’m rarely late to an appointment, but that may be the level of anticipation to some of those “appointments”.

So my Mother’s Day was rather peaceful.  I didn’t have a  play date the  night before so I could be there in the AM when  my boys woke up and thundered into my bed to cuddle me.  (They actually spend about 5 minutes cuddling me and 25 minutes playing and wrestling around in my king size bed.  Alternating between burrowing under the covers to tickle each other or fart on each other [they ARE boys] or pile on top of each other.)

No breakfast in bed, no gifts other than what the 2nd grader made in school.  (Same teacher so now I have 3 colored candle holders… whee.)  But that was fine with me.  Because Mother’s Day fell on the monthly No Electronics Day Sunday.  So after I made them clean  my house (what they do every Sunday or Saturday, this time including washing the walls) we played board games.  Okay, the 2nd grader and I played Hullabaloo (like twister for Kindergartners) and the older two and I  played Star Wars Risk, which took 45 minutes just to figure out how to play!  They valiantly lasted another 1.5 hours after THAT before begging me to let them give up.

And in reading my favorite blogs I came across this from The Bloggess.    Love and Asperger\’s It teared me up.

See, my oldest has Asperger’s and I’ve had conversations like that one.  Because the treasure (and sometimes the burden) of the Asperger’s child is they WILL ask those questions that many of us hold silently, deep in our hearts.  Questions like, “Am I good son?  Are my brother’s better than me.  Do you think I’m incapable of making friends?”

And yes, the challenge of an Asperger’s child makes you incredibly creative as a parent.  Because they question you on a deeper level (and they often remember EVERYTHING you answer them!)  They rarely just sit back and learn from observing others around them.  They’ll study things, facts, events (my son is currently obsessed with WWI – yes, really) but rarely people.

Perhaps that is what makes us different.  The obsession in studying things and facts and events for the Asperger’s person, perhaps we have the same obsession but the  rest of us have channeled it into studying each other.   We just happen to call it “learning the social graces.”

My Asperger’s  son is just starting puberty.  He turns 13 in a few months and he’s anticipating his “teen” years with endless questions of what middle school was like for me when I was 13.  (All I can think to say is, we called it Jr. High not Middle School, and like all school it sucked… but I don’t say that.)

And true to his nature the conversation went like this…

Luke:  Mom, guess what I just Googled?

Me:   Um, World War One?

Luke:  No

Me:   World War Two?

Luke:  No

Me:   The Vietnam War?

Luke:  No

Me:  I got nothing.  I give up, what did you Google.

Luke (big grin on his face):  Adolescence!

Parent Me in my Head:  Holy Shit, where did THAT lead him!

Writer in my Head:   OMG, that’s hysterical!  Great material!

Me who answered Luke:  Wow… you know puberty is a process that takes years and isn’t going to magically happen when you turn 13 don’t you?

Luke:  Yea, I know.  I just want to be prepared.

Me in my Head:  Oh well, done is done.  At least he’s taking the initiative!


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Weird Al

Sometimes you wonder….. what ever happened to this guy or that guy.  I wonder.. hey, is Weird Al Yankovic still mocking music?

Oh yes he is!!!

Craigslist sung in The Doors style

Hell, he makes a better Jim Morrison than Val Kilmer did!

Oh and maybe you’ve seen this one, but its new to me.. I know its not fun to mock the dead… but it sure is funny!

Smells Like Nirvana

But my all time favorite is, and always will be, this one.

The Saga Begins

But maybe that’s because I’m a Sci Fi Geek.

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Perceptions and Prejudice

They say first impressions are the ones that last.  I’d agree with that AND disagree with that.  Impressions are like paintings.  Paintings we add to as we get to know the person.  We fill in color and shading, change the shapes of faces and add expressions.  Backgrounds are filled in as we learn about that individual.

Its a beautiful process if you look at it that way.  And it illustrates why the first impression CAN be important.  Because if that first impression (or the LAST impression) is dark, negative, black it’s much harder to paint another, lighter shade color over that.

When my mother and I were discussing her siblings she casually wondered why they can’t seem to see her in the same light as her peers and children do? (We adore her.)   I hit her with the painting example and told her, “They’ve transferred their resentment over their narcissistic, unloving mother you all had over to you.  Because you were the only loving person in the house and you also couldn’t love them because you went away (was sent away with another sibling the family couldn’t handle) when they were little.

“So their painting of you is dark and angry,” I told her.  “And all the shades of love seem to be in pastel!  Only daily application is going to get enough paint of pastel colors to cover black.”

Adding to that, I think, is the size of the brush some people use to paint in that first impression.  And then I realized that some people don’t use their own brush to paint an individual.  They use a preformed template.  And sometimes they’ve had such bad experiences that their first color is dark and permanent.  It’s these situations where prejudice comes and stays.

So often we’re not letting ourselves do our own painting when we meet people.  We are cheating.  Using a template because we’re lazy and don’t want to take the time to see past that first glance.  You see a person with 3 piercings and very black hair in black clothing… Goth template.  You see a Hispanic man with tattoos in baggy pants… Gang template.    Business attire… Type A template.  When we use templates we are missing out on a lot.

Maybe its the creative artist in me, but for me it is incredibly fun to meet a new person.  That first glance (or picture) is just a light sketch in my mind.  That first email or chat inks a bit in.  And as you meet the person, so many colors you can choose from, so much depth you can add!

My inner painting of an individual becomes so vivid in my mind I often forget what a person really looks like.   I cease to be conscious of things like race, weight, hair color, eye color, etc.   So, guys, please don’t be offended when you hear me say,

“Wow!  I’d forgotten how sexy/cute/hot/delicious/sweet/ comfortable (insert specific adjective or all of them as they may apply)   you were!”

And People if you use a template on me make sure you apply ALL the templates that I fit.   Smart Secretary, Juggling Mother, Creative Writer, Laughing Lover of Life&Fun and Sexy, Seductive Slut.

I dare ya to paint THAT!

And people wonder why one man isn’t enough!


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Just the 3 of us.

My Friend Frank has a Web-T.V. Site.  I get weekly emails about what’s new and happening and in one of those emails I clicked and watched a little series he has on the site.

Just the 3 of Us

It was cute!  I really enjoyed the premise, most likely because I could completely identify with the female lead. (Although she’s a bit of a clueless ditz.)

Two guys fight for the same chair at a speed dating event and the girl talks to both and likes both.  So she calls both and begins to date both but she does it TOGETHER.

Its not that she can’t decide on the one or the other.  Its that these two very different men BOTH click with her in different ways.  Wanting the whole package she dates both together to get it.

Looking at the FWB’s in my life I realized that each man is very different and often appeals to a completely different side of me.   He connects to me in his unique way and that brings out a certain side to me.   Yes, most people do this in every relationship.  But when you “choose one” you choose only that one side of you.  Because its almost impossible to connect  a man with ALL your sides.  Its why you often have girlfriends and family to make up the balance.

Me, I got lucky.  I scrapped monogamy and got more than one man to connect with the many sides of me.  With K.. we talk politics (and have great sex).  With S… we talk parenting and I bask in his intense (but widely spaced) adoration of me and my body (and have great sex!)  With D… I get the most intense full body massage and talk relationships and divorce (and have great sex.)  With B… my Coachella partner, I have fun.  Pure, silly, adventurous fun.  (Oh and great sex!)

And there are others I click with just as uniquely but if I start listing ALL I may burst a few bubbles!

But the point being, I’m a complex woman.  Yet I’m smart enough to realize that NO ONE man can fulfill ALL the diverse parts of me and it is truly unfair to expect him to.

There is ONE thing that ALL my FWB’s have in common.  They don’t have a problem with my poly-amorous desires.  They generously share.

Oh and they’re really great at sex!  Of course, maybe it’s me who’s great at sex, after all I’M the common denominator here!


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