So here I hover.. on the brink of Girlfriend Mode. Studying this possibility… this road. Observing the scenery I see and wondering if I want or even CAN walk down it.
I see the Flower Bed of Feelings. Pretty, but boy do they take watering and care. Because Girlfriend Road brings feelings on a deeper level. A level that tends to bring up aspects of me I’m not that proud of… the scariest being my insecurities.
I ask myself, do I keep men distant so I can avoid these foibles or do I bring men into my life JUST so I can conquer them? A question for the cosmos and actually rather irrelevant to THIS post!
It’s been easy to avoid Girlfriend Mode when the connection isn’t fully there. When a piece is missing, making the connection less than a perfect fit. Because of that I’ve been able to enjoy the relationship as it is without expectations or desires beyond the moment. Which can be, hell it has been, a very nice thing.
Ah, but if the connection is very nearly a perfect fit, you’re body and heart conspire to swing your preference and force time/space/fate into giving you that favorite. You find yourself consistently choosing that one over the other choices. Or avoiding making commitments until you know you won’t be getting your favorite.
I stare down Girlfriend Road.
I see the Trees of Contentment. The solid feelings of relaxation and enjoyment I get when I’m with this person. But I see the bare ground of Few and Far Between Land that lies between each tree. It’s parched and pathetic.. barely filled with little starved patches of Chat Grass or Email Cactus and the rare but treasured Text Weed.
The voice of desire whispers in my head, “You can change that, fix it. Some good tending and it will be filled with green.” And I know its true, but I also know its work. Work that takes two parties or the Blazing Sun of Insecurities will wither everything away. ‘Cuz that’s what my foibles do in a relationship.
I look down on the path I’m on, the Path of Casual Encounters. Yes, each Tree of Enjoyment is different but they’re spaced close together. So close that the ground is covered by so much Chat Grass the landscape looks lush, with no work from me. Yes, each Tree of Enjoyment is differently sized, some I’m familiar with and some wonderfully new. But none guarantee the amount of enjoyment and relaxation from the Boyfriend Tree. And to some the sheer numbers hide the Sinister STD Monster in the shadows of the forest.
(Wow.. I rock on imagery!)
Then I look behind me and realize I’ve been half on Girlfriend Road for a few paces. Hoping onto the other road to distract myself when I feel the Blazing Sun of Insecurities threaten to destroy the landscape. Laughing at myself I can only hastily install the Aqueduct of Communication and see if that helps the situation.
It may make the Road beautiful and appealing, a joy to walk on.
Or it may flood the place… making it impassable, killing every tree and plant!
In other words… I’m a bit needy and need attention.
It’s been easy to distract myself with the attention from many men. Especially when I’m feeling emotionally neglected by who my heart wants. But if I give them up, give up those distractions, he’ll have to pick up the slack. So I gotta tell him exactly how I am and how easily he can maintain my sanity or I need to get off Girlfriend Road.
And how did I get to Girlfriend Road? Tell ya tomorrow!