So my emotions dipped a toe into Girlfriend Mode and I’m noticing a difference in myself in Girlfriend Mode pre-marriage compared to Girlfriend Mode post-marriage.
As Sheldon would say from Big Bang Theory.. Fascinating.
I can only assume maturity has some basis in it. But I like to think having the girlhood dreams (marriage/kids/love) gel into reality had even more to do with it. Its like being married takes the glamor off long-term relationships. Which really reduces a lot of crazy natural pressure from Girlfriend Mode to escalate any relationship into Wife Mode.
Twice I’ve gotten attached to a man post-marriage. The first time was NOT healthy and I sensed it, doing what I could to resist the pull of preferring him over other choices. He was a player and his attentions were really pretty lies. Lucky for me Player’s tend to quickly drop you when they find a better replacement. And so my “stalker,” as I amusingly called him because he was constantly begging me to see him, pulled a disappearing act. It bothered me, but deep down I breathed a sigh of relief. He brought out too many personal Bad-Judgment buttons that I’d worked hard to disconnect.
This newest attachment is more serious. Its a connection that is bliss when I’m with him, making me miss him when I’m not. So I’ve been carefully watching myself, my reactions, my feelings as we interact. I’m watchful because I know me. I know me, very, very well. In the past when I care, I’ll worry they don’t, then I’ll worry they’ll find someone else, or that they’ll find something they don’t like about me.
And in all that worry I tend to do certain things. I’ll walk away, out of fear of getting hurt (duh! so many do that.) Or I’ll push and push at them to reassure my insecurities. (like EVERY girl, again, duh!) Or I’ll self sacrifice my feelings, putting the choice of “do we stay or do we go” into their hands in a “prove you’re choosing me” gesture… (do I have to say it! DUH!)
This time it was different. Although at first I did the self sacrifice thing and the next day said, “This is bullshit… I’m not giving up THAT easy! This is worth fighting for.” In other words, I realized it wasn’t fair to abdicate my feelings on the possibility he had doubts, or was feeling moody and unsure. (Geez Ladies, do we ever ALLOW men to be human!) If I was just going to give him up, I had NOTHING to lose by telling him I didn’t want to do that. If it bothered him and he left, I’d be in the same boat anyway.
And that decision was an epiphany. I realized I’d never stood up and fought for a relationship before. I’ve always deferred to the other party. I didn’t want to come across as bothersome, a needy person always clamoring for attention. Which is a direct result of my first love.
At 18 I fell hard for a 22 year old. But he was just “enjoying” me and not in a relationship with me and managed to make me feel like a kid begging for attention. Subservient in the relationship, being a booty call for 6 years, only to devastate my heart when I told me he was getting married.
But I’m in my 40’s now. I know a good thing when I feel it, enjoy it. And when an obstacle gets thrown into my path I don’t panic. Its not some insurmountable test I have to navigate around or decipher his “true” feelings on. Nor do I have to delicately try to explain without sounding like a nag what I’d like to “get” from him.
Because he’s a grown up too! I can tell him what’s bugging me and what would fix it. He can choose to do it or not. He can tell me that won’t work for him and not be afraid I’ll blow it out of proportion in a fit of immaturity. Maybe its because this relationship is based on friendship without a progression goal in sight.
Or maybe my insecurities are just old habits I’m finally seeing past. The Ghosts of Habits Past. Sort of Supernatural meets A Christmas Carol!
In any case the experience was wonderfully enlightening. Learning things is great and I’m my favorite subject.
And in case you’re wondering, I did frankly tell this FWB what I needed. Daily or semi-daily contact in some way to let me know he “lusted” me that day. His reply text… a short, “you funny, girl”. But he does it anyway. 🙂