So when the Ex finally moved out he told me he had moved into an apartment. When he began taking his weeks of our, then, one week on and one week off custody situation; the kids told me a whole different story. He’d moved straight into his girlfriends house. Sleeping in her bed and parking all his things AND my 3 kids in her converted garage. When the kids call it a garage he adamantly tells them its a Guest House. (so they tell me) Well, its a garage. Is it a finished garage, yes. But since it doesn’t have a toilet it cannot be called a Guest House.
At first the kids thought this was an interesting adventure. Bonnie had pets. Better yet she had cats. My kids loved cats. When I was entertaining the idea of getting a replacement pet for our dog when he passed away 2 years ago, the Ex announced he was allergic to cats. Right. When he met me, I had 3 cats. He showed no allergy then! Another example of the length of lying the man would go to get his way. Instead of having a rational dialogue. Just saying.
Anyway. The glamor of their living arrangements soon wore off and they began to hate it at “Dad’s”. Evan once told me that, “because Dad has all his boxes of comic books and stuff in the garage and we spend most of our time there, that I feel like just another piece of his stuff.” And he got emotional as he told me. My heart ached for the boy, but there was little I could do that wouldn’t just make things worse down the line. I watched my girlfriend in the first 3 years after her divorce plex and fret and scream and rant over the type of parenting her Ex did. I didn’t want to become that person.
Luke began to call me from his cell phone in a screaming melt-down over things his father said and how it made him feel. Apparently my Ex doesn’t understand the part in the divorce papers where he’s not supposed to slam/insult, within the hearing of the kids, their Mother. So I spend a lot of time defending his behavior. For instance, he’ll make a sarcastic mean comment thinking he’s being humorous and since his delivery is dead-pan due to his Asperger’s anti-social behavior.. the kids think he’s being serious. Luke especially takes such comments as personal attacks on his character. And feels that his father hates him.
This does not help the boy’s High Anxiety/Clinical Depression which he takes medication for. I shouldn’t have to up his dosage just because his father contributes to his symptoms. So I try to talk Luke into practicing his tolerance and trying to be a little more understanding. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn’t. And Bonnie’s neighbors get an earful as Luke screams from her backyard how much he hates his father and how horrible he is. Perk? Maybe.
Then we had an incident last Sunday. The Ex told me he’d found a one day job and needed to drop the kids off Sunday evening or very early Monday morning. I told him Sunday eve would be fine anytime after 7pm. Because I’d planned on spending the weekend with Sex God which is an hour drive away. On that Sunday at 3 pm or so I get a call from Luke. Another distressed screaming call and when I finally get him somewhat calmed down he tells me that this time its not Dad its Bonnie, the girlfriend. Here’s what I finally pieced together when I got all 3 of the kids stories at 7pm that night.
In one of Evan’s trip from the garage into the house and back he accidentally didn’t close the door all the way. It opened and one of Bonnie’s cats got out. Apparently, my Ex was gone to a convention (to work or play I don’t know) and had left the kids with her. So Bonnie goes into the garage and begins to yell at all three of the kids, complete with insults. The nine year old tells me he can’t remember what she said because he was so busy crying. Luke, no doubt, immediately insisted it wasn’t him and he’s not like that (that was a lot of what he was focusing on in his call to me. He cannot tolerate unfounded insults to his character.)
And my Evan no doubt withdrew into a blank faced wall. Evan is my sensitive boy. He’s just like his father that way. His father endured physical abuse & mental abuse from his 5 older brothers and neglect from his exhausted mother (8 kids, alcoholic husband, low personal self esteem & a daughter with kidney disease who later died before she was 30) all his life. Evan, who endured being bullied at school for 3 years and refused to take martial arts classes (I don’t want to fight!), and only this year began rebuilding his fragile self esteem. Evan, who loves pets and once described Bonnie as “Always happy, I’ve never seen her when she’s not happy.”
Evan she accused of doing it on purpose, calling him anti-social (“Just because I’m shy!” he cried to me). She left my stunned kids in her garage while she went to search for her cat. (which they found.) Then came back two more times to yell at them some more. Once might have been excused, but twice more. Nope. A cat, no matter how loved, is not worth the emotional abuse of children.
And apparently she’s employed as a Teacher. I shudder to think of what she does in the classroom. Because apparently when my Ex is NOT there she’s NOT a nice person.
And speaking of my Ex.. what did he do when he finally got home? Apparently he yelled at the kids some more. By the time they got to me they were all traumatized. Seeing me brought it all to the front as they finally felt safe enough to let those bottled up feelings out. I spent an hour comforting tearful boys and hearing their side. And giving them my opinion. They begged to never go back there again.
Lucky for them they don’t have to this weekend. And hopefully the off-hand remark the Ex made TO THE KIDS the he’s sure “Bonnie wishes I’d never had kids.” and “Now I’ll have to spend $150 a weekend to get a motel room when I have you.” means that she’s not going to allow my children in her house again. Cross your fingers!
I sent the Ex an email. It was very mature, without any of the screaming threats in my head dying to get out. It basically said that this is unacceptable treatment of MY children and if I hear of it every happening again I’ll have “words” with Bonnie whether she likes it or not. And that I think the idea of him getting a motel room on his custody weekends a brilliant solution. And that bottom line he should get OFF his ass, get a REAL job & get his OWN apartment. Lastly, I told him this situation has made me decide to look into full custody of the kids.
While I hesitate to get a lawyer and file for this (I’m not made of money!), my children don’t deserve verbal abuse or a father who puts up with it. It’s either that or give “Bonnie” a taste of her own medicine. Unlike her, I don’t yell at kids who aren’t mine but I don’t have a single problem yelling at an adult who does. And I know where she lives.