One of the things that is a bummer about being single is the feeling of handling all the adversity life throws at you alone. Its not being alone that makes a person feel lonely (cuz honestly I adore my alone time)… its the sense of standing in the storm by yourself.
This is what makes your brain long… long for a partner to share this life with. Because you want a break. You want to feel not so alone when the shit hits the fan. For a woman, often you secretly want to just be held and told not to worry, he’ll handle it.
A lot of shit has hit my fan recently and I’ve gone to that point. I’ve had that desire to have ONE man on my side, there for me. When I need support, help, a strong shoulder to somehow fix the shit or make it better. And here is where my pessimist laughs and say, “A husband? Didn’t you just get rid of one?”
But my husband was never a good partner for me. He preferred to let me be in charge and when I wanted his input he just waived it away and told me to decide he was fine with whatever I chose. Starting out, that was alright but after 13 years the unbalanced aspect of it was too much and too late to change. He was never someone who just took it over when the shit hit the fan. He looked to me to fix it.
But in analyzing my feelings… I looked at this desire to give up “being in charge” to a male. Really scrutinized it. And I realize that having a man who comes in and takes charge of things so I don’t have to would ALSO have become equally unbearable over time as one who never did. I would have been smothered, my opinions meaning less and less over time. Both ways I would have lost myself.
Yuck.
And the solution?
Well, first I need to assess, address and act. lol. So I assessed my feelings.
Its been a shit-long, weary month. The new custody is more draining to me that I thought it would be. I really only have 2 days to myself now that the kids dislike being with their father. And before I would have a whole 7 days. 7 days of pure me time. It was such a wonderful vacation. And I saved so much on food/water/electricity! Sigh. All that is now gone.
Plus my cycle came early. Which was a blessing so I’ll be mostly done by the weekend… but it meant that PMS caught me by surprise. THAT is never fun. Poor kids got “At the end of her rope” Mommy.
Top it all off… my new “great deal” Craigslist couch is splitting at the seems. It was in use all of 3 weeks and its ruined. The material seems to be so cheap its pulling out of the stitching. Probably not even fixable. Double Sigh… I just get sick now every time I look at it.
So.. I’ve “Assessed” that I’m emotionally tired. I see no recourse to try and “Address” my many problems with solutions. I am left only to “Act” like I’m okay and go on with life.
Did I mention the kids get out of school for the summer next week.
Sigh.