Heather Barton

So a while back, my favorite man, technically my boyfriend (or as close to one as this poly-amorous girl will ever get), my FWB #1… aka Sex God, gave me the news he may be moving out of the area.

Yeah.

He’s going no where in his current job and has been looking for something else.  In his search he found a possible job which would utilize all his skill & experience from his last 6 years at a better pay rate.  Downside.. it was in Arizona.

His kids are in their teens, so while they would miss him they’re at the age that daily contact is less important to them.   They’d rather spend it with their friends or on an electronic device.  His Ex will miss  him because they have a best friend  relationship and he’s been conveniently there for her or the kids whenever she or they needed him.

His logic…  he needs to  make some serious changes to get out of debt and since he’s at the lowest rent level he can go & his job isn’t offering  him opportunities for higher income, he’s gotta go where those things exist.  Rent is cheaper in AZ than L.A. and the job offers a serious boost in salary.  So he told me he was applying and if he gets it… he’s going.

Needless to say the news was upsetting to me.     I love this man, who in so many ways matches me perfectly.  This would effectively end our relationship.   After all, we considered ourselves in a long distance relationship already because he lived over an hours DRIVE away.  If he moves to AZ, he’ll be over an hour’s PLANE ride away.

So when I hear this news my initial response is an emotional one.  I begin to mourn this loss.  Because all logic aside, this WOULD be a loss.   I would no longer have the guarantee of seeing  him every other weekend.  I would still get the fun of talking to  him on the phone or chatting him or emailing him.  But I wouldn’t have my Sex God to enjoy unless one of us took a plane ride.  And with my finances the way they are (due to the divorce)  that wouldn’t be me.   And if he’s taking the job to put his finances in order, that wouldn’t be  him.

My secondary response, amusingly, is to grumble that he’s running.  A truism more due to circumstances than his character and something I don’t really blame him for.  I do the same.  When things end or need changing or I don’t like the situation, I look at the long road and ask myself if its more cost effective to stay and fix it or better to move off this road to a new one.  Still, as one of the casualties of the old road.. I can grumble a bit.

But as the  person I am, I’m not going to make this about me.  As surprising as it may seem to those that know me, while I DO tend to make every conversation, every THING about me… I’m actually rather self-sacrificing to a small degree in relationships.  Probably comes with parenthood.  Don’t get me wrong.. if I’m not happy in a relationship I won’t “sacrifice” my happiness to stay in it, but I won’t stand in the way of anothers happiness.

So I have to  set them aside, these emotions, and pretend they don’t exist.  These choices are his and I’m not going to selfishly ask him NOT to choose what he needs to do just because I’d miss him.

And oh, how I’d miss him.

In all the dating I’ve been doing over the last year plus I’ve met a lot of interesting men; hot men; good looking men; wonderful men and a fair share of fabulous lovers.  None of which made it into my heart the way my #1 did.  None of them  inspired lust  in me with a surprised gasp whenever I looked at him.  None of them brought anything  other than sex into my life, with a smattering of friendship.  My #1  brought silliness, limitless companionship and treated me as girlfriend material from the start.  He treasured my company outside of the bedroom. Top that off with the way we seemed to mesh perfectly together in almost every facet of our lives  and its no wonder we have strong feelings.  Oh, and don’t even get me started on how much I enjoyed our naked time.  There is a VERY good reason I call him my Sex God.

So what I WILL do.  I will tell him that I’m sad the relationship is on hold if not over.  I will distract myself with work and writing.  And I’ll most likely also do lots of online dating.   I’m sure some of you will assume I’m trying find another to replace him.  (That would be WAY difficult!)  Or drowning my feelings in meaningless hookups.  There may be some truth to that but the alternative… pining away & living off the breadcrumbs of chat & phone contact… that isn’t any healthier.  I cannot put my life on hold waiting for him to come back.  Just as he cannot put his life on hold just because I don’t want him to leave.

Sigh.. I may start playing the lottery more, though.

And.. after all that deep realization…. nothing came of it.  lol!   I wrote this post months and months ago.   The job filled before he could apply for it.  And he stopped talking about finding a job out of state.  And a few weeks after that I brought up to him all the above feelings I went through.  His reply was, “Oh!?!  Sorry! Why didn’t you TELL me!”

We laughed and I take comfort in the fact that he shares so much with me he’s actually unaware how his sharing might be received by me.  Which is amusing.. cuz I probably do the same thing to him!

Nice thing about being a grown up in a relationship is I can sort through my feelings without having to dramatize them & dump/vent/act them out on him.  Then when I’m clear and calm I can discuss them if its still worth doing.

And top it all off?   Sex God got a promotion at work. 🙂

Thanks Fate!

This is under the Twirling My Skirt category because  when I wrote this I was pissed as hell.  Several months ago at my last Doctor’s visit.  My Doctor’s told me she thinks I have Bipolar Disorder.   And the basis for this lovely denouncement of my mental status….  my promiscuity.

I was shocked.  But should I have been?  She’s happily married, happy in her life with her new baby, living the Armenian Wife’s dream.  And if I find happiness outside that “norm” how can I possibly be normal?  And according to her narrow minded belief’s if I’m not normal I must not be sane!  Top it off, she admits she has watched a family member who is Bipolar destroy those around them by denying they have a problem. (Got teary-eyed telling me.)  So she’s prejudiced to see this disorder in ALL her patients.

I immediately look around at my relationships in my life and scrutinize them to see if I’m “destroying” anyone.  Other than my ex-husband (who doesn’t realize how much happier he’ll be without me demanding unrealistic expectations from him) and my religious family members who worry I’m going to hell due to my pre- post–  UN-marital sex , I couldn’t see anyone I was doing harm to!

My kids are loved and fed and I do a hell of a job as a mother.  Am I perfect?  No.  Do I lose it sometimes?  Yes, because no one is perfect.  But doesn’t the definition of BI-polar mean I should have mood swings?  EXTREME mood swings?  Irrational moments of bliss and then irrational moments of sadness?  Well, guess what.. I do get irrational moments of bliss… DURING SEX!!  Haha!  But I don’t get irrational moments of sadness just because I’m not FUCKING someone!!!

Did I mention I was pissed.   Breathe, Heather, breathe.

See, according to my doctor (who admitted that the patients she has been right about this have all thanked her and the patients who’s she was wrong about this did get angry… I wonder if any of THOSE patients ever forgave her!!)   Sorry.. sidetrack..    My Doctor said, “People who engage in risky behavior, in full knowledge of the consequences and disregard them, these people may be Bipolar Disorder.”

“So race car drivers are all Bipolar?” I question her.  She babbles on about a study being done to measure the serotonin of risk takers and its high and she’s amazed I brush that aside.

OF COURSE its high!  A percentage of any population has to be risk takers.. or how would anything get done!  Risk Takers went after the big woolly mammoth.  Risk Takers left their village to begin a new village far away.  Risk Takers got on that boat and went to America.  Risk Takers took that idea/ invention and pushed it into reality.  Risk Takers look for, reach for, and grasp the Brass Ring.  I ask you, where would the human race BE without the Risk Taker’s genetics popping up every so often in the gene pool!.

What I don’t get is WHEN Risk Takers as a group suddenly became Bipolar Disorder!  Who decided that trait falls into any disorder much less THAT disorder?!?  And WHO decreed it had to  be “FIXED”!

To be fair.. if you swing into a depression that immobilizes you for days, weeks and months on end and swing out of it into an equal extreme, I can understand how you would need and want drugs to balance that out.  But what if you don’t swing into such extremes… are you still Bipolar?  How can anyone justify saying that?  Because I live my life the way I want?  Isn’t there a difference between accepting the consequences of my actions and denying the risks?  I seem to see the difference, can’t they?

AM I YELLING??!!…..    sorry… this is a personal pet peeve button she’s pushing.  Anothers  judgment of me… drives me insane.

And that’s where we come to the crux of it.  THEY have decreed my behavior abnormal.. yet it seems completely normal to me.  And I’ve met many (MANY!!) who feel/ believe/ behave/ the same way.  Are we ALL Bipolar?

“Yes,” my doctor said when I put that point to her.

I was stunned!  The closed-mindedness of it all.  My automatic response, “Well, I’d rather be one of “them”; happy, hanging with like-minded people, than be your definition of normal and be unhappy.”

All this because I wear condoms in sex but prefer not to do so with oral sex.   Because I’ve made a personal choice, knowing there “MIGHT” be risks (and pretty slim ones at that), she now worries I “Might” be Bipolar.  Never mind the “Choice” I make to drive over the speed limit (risk of dying a horrible death in a car accident).  Never mind the “Choice” I make to let the sun burn me occasionally (Cancer! Cancer!).  Never mind the “Choice” I make to leave my house every day knowing I might die in some unforeseen way.  We all make those choices and take those risks in little ways every day.  Some of us take more in some ways, hello Stockbrokers!  Some of us take fewer.  Some of us take none.

To me it comes down to the same thing as religion.  If it makes me happy, if I harm no one, why are you trying to tell me I cannot be me.  Why is my being unique, being me, being different than YOUR norm, have to be labeled a disorder and wrong.  Because I’m putting my health at risk?  Is it healthier to be unhappy?

Lets see how “healthy” it is to find a new doctor.

Bottom line… she is wrong.   She is making a judgment based on her definition of “risky behavior” and  her  own traumatic experience with it.   And that is bad medicine.

I always thought smoking cigarettes was an addition… now I wonder if the medical community may soon dub it a symptom of Bipolar Disorder!

I’ve been wanting to make changes to my blog.  I want it to look different.  But I can’t seem to figure out how to download a different template.  Sadly, I’m not sure  my webmaster can or knows how to educate me, either.  Sigh.   I wanted it to look edgier, spiffier.. different.   The best I can settle for at this moment is to make it a point to “illustrate” my blog with at least one picture per posting.

You can see how well I’ve managed this!  lol..

Mostly because to find an interesting picture, relevant to the post, I have to search and search the internet for it.  This is time consuming.  Time I don’t really have a lot of!

And I ask myself.  Why do I blog?

Well, I started blogging because Gina demanded I get my humor online.   Because I was cracking her up so much when we’d meet every Thursday while our sons attended social skills class (both being Asperger’s).  Time has passed since then, our sons don’t attend anymore and getting together with Gina is more difficult that getting together with my #2 favorite .. and trust me that’s difficult!!  And I know she’s so busy she’s not even reading my archives of humor.

I justified blogging by using it as a place to hone  my funny stories.  You know, for when I ” someday do stand up comedy”.  Yea…. someday.   And as a platform for selling my own writing.   Yea.. THAT’s working!   (Actually that might actually happen this year.. fingers crossed)

But it does consume time.  And to increase that time consumption by adding photos and making it fancy, I’m just not sure I can do it.    Really the whole thing sometimes feels like just a diary.  And a shameless cry for attention!

I don’t know…. we’ll see.