It’s actually a little sad that I find myself only able to turn to the blog to put a voice to what happened today. Those who would understand are too new to being my friend to be able to offer comfort. Those who have been my friends for years may try to offer comfort yet agree with the Judgment heaped on me. So here’s what happened.
Once in a while the women on my father’s side of the family try to get together for dinner. The group is made up mostly of women who married into the family and three of us born into it, me and my cousin’s Stephanie and Marlena. These women are amazing individuals who’ve led interesting lives and have found that making sure they stay close no matter who divorces who is a way to keep the family together.
The matriarch, Gilda, is in her 80’s. She’s a psychologist who co-founded the Jungian Institute in Santa Monica with her husband, buried her son from Aids and brought Judiasm into our family. Her daughter, Marlena, is an artist who buried 2 children from a birth defect in the heart.. a first born daughter at age 7 and just a year or so ago her 15 year old son. My cousin Stephanie’s mother discovered Hinduism and changed her name from Jane to Amrita. She’s a wonderfully loving woman who’s tall and willowy like her dancer daughter and still body surfs at her “secret” beach while in her 70’s. The next generation involves my sister-in-law Holly and my cousin’s wife Kim, Steph, Marlena and me.
So at these dinners I enjoy the company of these elegant women and do my best not to go into “entertainer” mode and monopolize the conversation. Yet I am always aware I’m my father’s daughter. Somehow born without the sense of “propriety” they carry. I’ve watched them judge my father with it when he will honestly and carelessly utter something inappropriate. It’s just him.. it’s who he is… but they deem it immature or rude or thoughtless and dislike him for it. Somehow expecting him to be less “him”.
Don’t get to pitying him too much. He’s probably unaware of their judgment. But I always saw it. And I know I’m like him.. and I’ve always expected, if not judgment, at least very little understanding of some parts of me. And I love my Dad, embarrassing faults and all, ’cause he’s my Dad. When he’s himself I can roll my eyes and smile..not cringe. Even when he votes Republican!
So these women have set up another dinner. And I usually drive with my mother because then she can have a glass (or two) of wine and she doesn’t like to drive at night. But at these dinners it gives everyone an opportunity to share what’s going on in their lives if they want to. And so much fun and fascinating things are going on in my life and I’m not shamed of any of it. But I know my mother, my very private and proper mother, will not want me to share. So I asked her today, if she’d have a problem with me sharing. And before I could go on to ask “how much” she said, she didn’t want to hear it. That if I felt the need to share I should go without her because she didn’t want to hear it.
Sounds innocuous? Well, some back story then. When I was unhappy in my marriage my mother listened and felt frustrated she couldn’t fix it. She told me her greatest fear was that I would divorce and be alone like she was. When she filed for divorce from my father her family berated her that “Good Christian women didn’t divorce their husbands!” They didn’t listen to her side of the story. It devastated her. When my husband and I decided to “be single” yet still live together until we could financially divorce I didn’t tell her… but HE did. And he told her I’d joined a “sex site” and was sleeping around. She waited until a day we were together and guests were knocking on her door to tell me she disapproved so she wouldn’t have to listen to any rebuttal because she had the excuse to answer the door. I never bothered to explain bring it up, not wanting the conflict.
But today.. today felt like a betrayal. I’ve been there for her in business and as her personal secretary (off and on) and as an emotional support since her divorce over 20 years ago. She’s been there for me, many times also. We’ve become friends as well as business colleagues and mother/daughter. To feel her raging disapproval without hearing my side was so hypocritical. And it made me so pissed I didn’t bother defending myself. She wasn’t being my mother at that point.. she was a Christian and I was breaking God’s law by being promiscuous.
I can’t help but wonder if she was really worried I’d be alone and unhappy being single? Because she seems upset that I’m soooo not alone and soooo not unhappy being single! Somehow that makes her disapprove. No doubt its the WAY I’m handling being single. Which really shouldn’t be a surprise to her. I was this free-thinking in my 20’s… this hedonistic. And I realize.. she never liked that part of me. She’d always disapproved.
So much for Christians touting unconditional love. I still haven’t met one yet who can actually manage it better than this little Heathen. Because this little heathen likes people (especially men) for who they are.. not judging them by how much money they make, what they do, nor their beliefs. I judge people by how much they like me. Because if they like me.. with my odd beliefs and unusual style… then they’ll probably less judgmental than your average person who cannot accept that which isn’t like themselves.
And its those people.. I call friends. Everyone else.. interesting acquaintances. The men I meet on the site… so many who think like me, value me and genuinely like me. In a way, its’ like when I went to my first Sci Fi Convention and realized I’d found my “peeps”. On the site, I’ve met my sexual and relationship “peeps”.
And frankly I’ll give up my job before I give up that side of me that enjoys the freedom to be wholly and completely me. And I don’t need to be around anyone who’s going to judge me for it. And lastly… I won’t hide who and what I do out of someone else’s idea of shameful. If you don’t like ME.. don’t invite my company.
