Tales from the Sexual Front

Posted on February 8, 2010 by Heather

Yes, I think I’m going to write a book about my experiences from the on-line dating site.  Don’t panic!  It probably won’t be too explicit and won’t name names.. lol!

But I’ve been talking to a couple of women on the site and, of course, many men and some have been members for a long, long time.  The different ways they do things and the fascinating stories they have, not to mention the motivations behind why they stay, is  flat out fascinating.

It started as a joking statement, “You should write a book.”  And as I thought about it the chapters formed in my head.   I mentioned it to a friend and he popped off the title, “Tales from the Sexual Front Line” and I jumped on it.  It was then I realized I wouldn’t have a problem selling THIS to an agent, the title would do it for me.  Not being a work of fiction, this book is easier to describe than my Cougar novels and a sound bite is sometimes all you have to try and entice the attention of an agent or editor.  Something I really need if I’m going to take my writing to the next level of publishing.

The why people do it, the how people do it and the things I’ve learned about myself and others told with my usual blog/humor style will make some entertaining reading.  And then I’ll spice it up with a level of juicy erotic stories which the editor can either publish, tone down or just remove!   Oooo… maybe the e-version will be a “director’s cut” type!  And include the bonus features!

So I’ve got looooottsss of “research” to do!  And now that I’ve closed my profile to receiving emails from anyone new I’ll have the time.  Best part.. I’ll need to compare the other types of sites for research reasons.

I’ll have the perfect excuse to complicate Eithne’s life with dating!  After all, who better to go on Match.com and look for love than my best friend who is single!

Share the joy.. that’s my philosophy!  Oh and Frank, a fellow writer and in Marketing, suggests I write it as a “how to” book and then hit the lecture circuit!

Can you picture me “entertaining” a room on how to date online, city to city to city!  The best part would be going online to the site and lining up 2-3 men to meet me at the seminar as “examples”!  I could let the audience help me pick one.  Although, maybe I could just take all three!  hee hee.. I love being decedent.


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My Share of the Chores

Posted on February 6, 2010 by Heather

I read in Discover Magazine the speculation that one of the reasons Neanderthals went extinct was they didn’t divide the food acquisition.  They only hunted big game and they did it with the entire clan – men, women & kids.  Whereas Homo Sapiens, us, separated the food acquisition into men hunting big game and the women and children hunting small game and foraging plants.   They speculate that this put us at an advantage because the climate changes that were occurring made everything uncertain.  And we survived because we still had what the women found when no big game could be found and visa versa.  (Of course they also speculate we ate them.)

One advantage to my separation/ open marriage situation is the sharing of the chores in the household.   We’re both stepping up a bit more with an eye to living apart.  And it got me thinking (like I’m always doing!) about why women make such a big deal about men doing their share of the chores.

Besides the obvious reasons why women obsess about this concept… they’re overworked and it helps and the “sharing” means you love me.  I think there is a better or more deeper motivation behind that.  Most households tend to split the household chores (just like ancient Homo Sapiens) and each party does their own.  With a bit of crossover here and there.  And that’s where the “means you love me” bit comes in.

I think women both love and hate the fact they do household chores better than men.  They love it because it makes them indispensable and for that same reason they hate it.  And men are happy to let her be the “expert”, They’re not stupid!  They’re getting out of chores!  Plus as long as they do their designated tasks they don’t feel they should go beyond that.   Because they’ll get criticized for doing it wrong.

So how do men help women over this dilemma?   By surprising her and doing her chore.  Ah but there is a way to do that for maximum affect.  Unexpectedly do her chore and do it well.  Its good to know you CAN… i.e. strong-able-male… do something as simple as hand wash the dishes.  And do it well so if she suddenly is incapacitated she knows you can take over and not leave it all for her to do when she’s back on her feet.

My girlfriend tells the story that she and the kids went away for a week and when they got back EVERY dish in the house had been used and was dirty in the sink.  He was down to the mixing bowls and plastic utensils.  And they HAD A DISHWASHER, which he knew how to use, just refused to.

Most importantly in this helpful gesture is the timing.  If it’s been sitting around waiting to get done for more than 24 hours and you know what she’s planning to do with it… just do it for her.  If you think it might be sitting around because its a kid chore.. get the kid to do it.  And if you’re not sure how to do it “right” or “well” then by all means spoil the surprise and ask!

I bet the big game hunter who came back from the hunt and “helped” got laid more than the ones who sat around and told stories while sampling the food that others had prepared.   And it gave him an opportunity to flirt and maybe fondle a female.

And the origin of the ulterior motive is revealed!

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Valentine’s Day

Posted on February 4, 2010 by Heather

Hee hee.  I’ve found the perfect way to test whether a man is truly single or not.  I’ve been offering up the Saturday evening before Valentine’s Day.  If they’re single.. shouldn’t be a problem.  Ah, but if they aren’t.. they are amazingly reluctant to accept that day.

This solution came to me when a man said, “when!” and I said, “where?”  And before I knew it they were babbling about roommates and hotel rooms.  See I recently realized that there really isn’t a way to know if a man is lying or not about being single.  Although I do know the ones who open their home to me are not attached but sometimes I’m not positive about the ones who avoided having me in their home.

So.. Valentine’s day is the perfect opportunity!  And I already tested the theory.  I offered it to Mr. “When!” and he completely avoided accepting a night with me on the 13th!  I guess I know where he stands in the attachment zone.  Now to test it on the others!

Hey!  I’m not really evil…  I’m just efficient.  Naw….  I’m evil!

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Stephanie’s Baby Shower

Posted on February 3, 2010 by Heather

My cousin ( such an endless source of stories she is) finally got pregnant after trying forever.   So I got an invitation to her Baby Shower.   My mother and I went together, dressed up nicely and finally found the building where it was being held.  NOT a home…oh, no.. it’s a dance studio or meditation facility.. I don’t know.  I swear I never know with this side of my family!

First thing we do is sign it, place gifts in a corner, then we must hear the rules.  No talking once inside the meditation area.. please wash your hands in this bowl of sacred water and remove your shoes.  Bad sign right off when I have to “be quiet” in a room full of people for an extended time… especially a roomful of relatives I haven’t seen in months surrounded by silence to entertain myself with!

My mother and I find a cushion to plant our butts (so no comfortable Micro Nap possible) and notice my very pregnant cousin seated in a corner under a wide canopy of mosquito netting.   Waiving at a few relatives we know in a room full of my cousin’s friends and co-workers, who we don’t know, we all wait.

Finally someone comes out and begins telling us the “rituals” they are planning.  I barely listen.  I’ve been down this road soooo many times with my relatives.. I’m used to waiting  it out.  If it works for them, great.  But I just don’t have the time to summon the four elements from the four corners of the earth.  (pssst…. earth is round.. no corners!)

Anyway.. each element does her little interpretive dance.. including water tossing a bit of water on all of us.  Goody.  Can’t wait until earth’s turn!  Thankfully fire was symbolic!   I need to say it again so you get the full affect.   THIS really happened!  LOL.

Then we’re told to form a double row to mimic the birth canal.  We’re going to encourage the baby that we want to welcome it into the world by gently pushing and moving Stephanie along our pretend birth canal.  This will psychically tell the baby that birth, especially this birth, is a wonderful experience.   My mother and I move to the end of the line.  And I try really hard not to laugh as I watch my cousin’s friends begin the process.

It’s almost a male lesbian fantasy I’m witnessing!  Women on all sides of my cousin, hands all over her body, massaging and caressing as they gently “move” her down the “imitation birth canal.”   I couldn’t keep the grin off my face!

After that the shower went along the more traditional lines.  We each presented Stephanie with a verbal gift of a story or advice to help her as she begins her “motherhood” journey.  Lucky for my I’d written MANY platitudes for my sister and was well equipped with an anecdote on parenting.

After delivering my funny short advice, Stephanie leans over to me and says, “I had to do something to top the “Wedding Story”   I busted out laughing.   She certainly managed it!

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Turn the other Cheek

Posted on February 2, 2010 by Heather

So as with any new experience there are negatives.  But often they are just as interesting as the positives if you look at them with the right frame of mind.

The online dating site is no exception to this rule.  HA!  Actually, its guaranteed to be a crash course in experiences both positive and negative!  I’ve told you a few of the fun positives, so I should expand a bit on the negatives.

The first one that hit me was obviously a  misunderstanding and because of that I spent a lot of thought perplexing about it.   It was an email from a gentlemen interested and while it had a few spelling typos it was at least longer than a single sentence of “what ya doin” which I’d seen a lot .   I must have been feeling a bit playful and I fired off more of a “humorous Heather” reply and less one from the Seductive woman I am on the site.  And his reply was scathing!

Apparently he thought I was insulting him and sent an email filled with insults about me.  I was truly surprised.  And the first thought was, “hey, YOU emailed ME.  If I’m THAT unattractive what are you doing emailing me!”   The second thought was to reply and explain that he misunderstood.  Because it bugged me he had the wrong impression of me.   And then later I wanted to reply to show him how “unaffected” I was by his words.

But I stopped myself and looked at MY motivations.  Why did I care what he thought?  He was a stranger, he was nothing to me.  And I was really nothing to him as he didn’t know ME.  I realized my motivations to convince him he was wrong AND that I didn’t give a sh*t about his opinion was based on my own need to be liked. And my need to be right.

So I played it forward.  In my head I replied to him in email and imagined what may come of that action.  He’d write back saying, “Oh I didn’t realize.. let’s have sex.”  Or he’s write back more venom and I’d be back to square one.  Or I’d get no response back and would never know if my words had changed his opinion.

That made me realize I didn’t want to be intimate with anyone who not only didn’t “get” my sense of humor but was so easily offended and felt free to childishly slam me back.  And I didn’t want to be caught in a negative exchange of emails.  So the best thing to do, the mature thing to do, was to ignore his little email and let him believe whatever he wants to believe about me.   If he knew me, really knew me, he’d know his words aren’t wounding me deeply.  I solidly like who I am and a stranger’s insults are water off a duck’s back to me.  Just your opinion.  You’re entitled to it and I’m entitled to let it have no affect on me.

Similar things have happened 3 other times.   A cub informing me I’m “not hot, average on my best day” because I commented on his odd mannerisms (he’s probably Asperger’s, but if he’s going to pursue his acting.. he’d better get better at faking it!)  and apparently he was  insulted.    Another who exploded into jealousy over a minor comment and vented it.  And a third who, after pursuing me for months, informed me he’d changed his mind and gave me reasons that were based on faulty impressions of me.

With all of them I dealt with my automatic instinct to “set them straight” in one way or another.  But I realized… why bother?   Their words didn’t hurt.  Bugged me maybe because they were obviously misinformed or immature in thinking hurtful words would change things.   But did I really have the time to correct their misinformed opinions?   No, I did not.  I had the choice to ignore it.

See I believe that fate brings into my life two types of people.  Those that I learn from and those that learn from me.  I look at every encounter, email, meet and experience as learning on my journey or learning on another’s.  Which is why the negatives don’t hurt and teach me just as much about myself as the positives.  Some might call that maturity but I’ve always had a bit of that attitude about other people’s opinion about me.  It may be why I’ve never been affected by peer pressure and walked my own road.

This calm philosophy truly began  when I started opening my eyes to the coincidences around me that I noticed my affect on others.   My own opinions and attitudes seem to make others laugh or smile and to look at their own lives just a little differently.  This too I’d always had and its the reason I often feel the need to correct misconceptions about me others may have.  In personality I’m both the Entertainer and the Teacher.

But at my core, I’m fate’s tool.  And sometimes people don’t want to learn, hear or grow.  For those I must turn the other cheek.  But not like the Christians say.  I’m not offering you my other cheek to slap.  You’re seeing my other cheek as I turn my head to walk away.  And you’re seeing it as I shake my head in sadness at the choice you made.

And it’s the reason I list the number one ingredient in a FWB (friend with benefits) is respect.  If we cannot respect each other we have no business being intimate.  I love sex but there are plenty of men who respect me and want me that I don’t need to sleep with the ones who can do one without the other.


 

 

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The Micro Nap

Posted on January 31, 2010 by Heather

I learned something when I was in the interview process of Jury Duty lately.  I learned how easily I can fall asleep!  OMG, sitting in a courtroom through that process is incredibly boring.  Cell phone off, computer off, couldn’t chit chat with my fellow detainees, and the muse had abandoned me to my fate.  So I found myself getting very, sleepy. It didn’t help that by the time I was in that courtroom it was the afternoon.  And since I tend to wake up at 5am to go the gym and sometimes don’t get to bed until 11p, I’ve been craving afternoon naps.

So I’m sitting in the courtroom getting sleepier and sleepier.  Yes, the process was hypnotic!  I settle more comfortably and just can’t keep my eyes open.  But my body doesn’t really feel tired, its just my eyes.  And my brain still seems completely NOT tired at all.  Perhaps my naturally dry eyes are triggering all these nap ideas in my head.  So I’ll just rest them.

And the most interesting thing happens.  I can consciously notice my brain slipping into the dream state.  Feel my consciousness disconnect from something else, everything else and drift.  I drift for just a moment or two, although there is little feeling of time so maybe longer.  When I feel myself sinking deeper into sleep I snap back to wakefulness.  I opened my eyes and was surprised at how refreshed I felt.

I did that several more times in that courtroom and managed to get my nap without actually losing track of what was going on around me.  I’d discovered the Micro Nap.  15 minutes of a quick nap is incredibly refreshing mentally.  But I used to be amazed at how anyone could sleep in public, just anywhere.  And now I’m one of them!

You should see me use the Micro Nap when I’m stuck waiting for something.  Like one of my sons classes to finish or an airline flight!


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FWB vs Dirty Sexy Secret

Posted on January 28, 2010 by Heather

So I’m days away from closing my profile to incoming emails and taking stock of the interesting men I’ve met in the last 3 months.   OMG… I’m so looking forward to it!  Don’t get me wrong.. I love that site and I’ll NEVER leave it, 😉  But its addicting and distracting and I can’t enjoy the men I prefer because I’m too busy noticing the new men emailing me.

And I’m beginning to establish more of what I’m looking for in my mind.  I realize that often I’ve felt more like a Dirty, Sexy Secret than an FWB.  Don’t get me wrong… I don’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend or anyone’s “only one” but if you can’t be seen with me in public or are uncomfortable if I want to lust you in public, then we have a problem.

The Friends part is important.  Movies, dinner, the beach (although I may enjoy watching you sport in the water than actually join you there…  I  make a great “watch the stuff” girl lol!) a concert, dancing, even a play (although it better not be a musical!).   All these things add to the friendship without having to be a relationship.  Because it allows us to enjoy each other in a way that is in addition to sex.

As much as sex is important to me, it’s not all of me.  Humor is a BIG part of who I am.  And enjoying the company of a person is also a big part of that as I’m something of an extrovert.  Experiencing fun and interesting things an absolute MUST for 2010.

The funny thing is, I don’t want to meet anyone’s family.  I don’t necessarily want to meet anyone’s freinds, although THAT I’m not so opposed to as it could be fun.  When I interviewed a bunch of 22 year olds at a BBQ a year ago for my book we had a blast!   And I was reigning in all my Seduction Aura at the time!  No such leash these days… hee hee.  Boggles the mind how much fun could be had with a group at a club.

Yet finding a few FBW’s held several steps.   Meeting them, enjoying them to see if the lust can translate into the bedroom and then seeing them again.  I’d never managed to make it to the last stage!  So when I realized my Silver Member ship was about to expire, which allows me to view profiles of men who’d emailed me, I took it as the perfect opportunity to close the door.  Temporarily.

And now that its almost closing time I wonder if my FWB definition is different than theirs?  Does their idea of an FWB hold so much discretion that we only meet in hotels and never go out in public?   I think to myself.. I haven’t seen Avatar and would like to.  Should I ask someone?  Will they want to go?   And what if I win Coachella tix?  Should I take a playmate?  Who would go?  Who would want to go?  And would they try to play it discreet?  (I’m starting to dislike that word.)

I have a free Vegas trip coming up.  Planning on the summer as its mid-week and will be taking my long-suffering girlfriend who needs a few days away.. but I ask myself… would an FWB even want to go?   And would I want him to go or just go play in Vegas?

lol… I can hear all of you laughing at the silliness of my thought process.  Just be thankful I wrote this blog today and not the one I’d thought to write about Penis’s.  (penii!  Whatever!!)

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Fruits and Nuts and Flakes

Posted on January 26, 2010 by Heather

My cousin Stephanie comes from my father’s side of the family.  Among that group is my father’s Uncle and Uncle’s wife who founded the Carl Yung (famous shrink guy)  Institute of Santa Monica.  My uncle’s wife is Jewish so I have all these Jewish cousins.  My Paternal grandfather (who may not have actually been my biological grandfather) was a guru in the 70’s.  My Dad’s brother and sister-in-law are now Buddhists.

And my father’s recently deceased older brother left the USA for tax evasion reasons, moved to Venezuela where his wife had an affair with a local doctor… had a child by that man, then another child by my Uncle and then when the two divorced my Uncle kept custody of the son NOT his, while his wife took his son back to England with her.    I wish I’d know Ian wasn’t really my cousin… he was hot!  (He committed suicide over a girl in his late 20’s)

Have I said crazy runs in my family?   Funny thing is, medically it runs on my mother’s side NOT my father’s side.  My entire family lives the Southern California saying.. fruits and nuts and flakes.  My second cousin, once removed or whatever was gay and died of Aids.

Our Christmas Eve parties involved so many traditions we kind of tossed most of them out and just enjoyed each others company.  Christian, Jewish, Crystal Worshiping Spiritualists, Vegetarian & Carnivore all gathered together as family!   Pass the Eggnog and add the liquor, liberally!

My mother’s side.. where the crazy truly comes in…  mostly fundamentalist Christian.  Literally… pastors, their wives and kids.  And mostly Republican because of it.  Because for some reasons many fundamentalist Christians believe morals should be involved in politics.  Hello!.. There are not morals in politics!

Top everything off… my father’s family loves my mother.. tolerates my dad.  My mother’s family.. understands my dad more since he’s also become a Republican Christian.. (he was always a Republican.. but became a Christian when I was 16).   My sister married a Navy doctor who’s specialty was so lucrative they bought a home in the San Diego area in a big sub-division.  In the front of the sub-division is a sign advertising “Homes in the low Millions.”  (I died laughing when I saw that.)  They also, unsurprisingly, have found God and Republicanism to their liking!

Since I’m a bit of a Heathen, mostly, I fit right in with my father’s side of the family!  Happily and firmly in the fruits, nuts and flakes category.  Although nothing brings me more fun than to be exceptionally happy living my “Oh My God, you’re doing WHAT!”   lifestyle in the group of fundamentalists.  

Concern for my soul is such a funny look to see on people’s faces!

 

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Trouble the Cat

Posted on January 24, 2010 by Heather

A long time ago I lived in a house, by myself (ah the luxury!) in Sunland, CA.  My neighbors were a family with 2 young kids who rented.  My sister was living with me and between us we had 3 inside/outside cats.  One day the neighbors came home with a kitten they found while hiking in Angeles National Forest.

They called her Rosie.. I called her Trouble.  She didn’t like us much but insisted in hanging at our house.  Probably because we didn’t have 2 small children!  So between the two houses we kind of shared the cat.  She had the softest fur and the  loudest purr.. but really hated it when you pet her!  She’d purr and growl at the same time.. it was hysterical.trouble

One day just before Christmas I noticed Trouble in the neighbors yard limping.  I asked the neighbor what had happened and it was the first time he’d noticed that her leg had swelled to twice its size.  She’d obviously gotten into a fight with a car and come away with a broken leg.

They were desperate to fix her but had no funds.  So I found a vet (in Encino!) still open on Christmas weekend who’d see her.  Yes, she’d broken her leg.. just above the ankle joint and the joint had dropped down possibly slicing tendons.  He said he could do surgery for $1000.00 (now a days that would be $2500!) but there would be no guarantee she’d have use of the leg.

Like single me had that kind of money.  And I knew my neighbors didn’t.  Pragmatic me said, “How much to cut it off.. the leg?”    A cheap $500.00.  “Cut it off,” I told him.  It was her back leg… she was only 5 months old… she’d adjust.  I picked her up a few days later with instructions on how to care for her.

Her purr was never quite the same… but boy did she adjust.  First thing she did was try to get around and do all the stuff she used to do.  I laughed my ass off watching her jump and miss, time and time again.  I cringed and called the doctor when I realized she was pulling out the itchy stitches with her teeth.  He said that was fine… but it was torturous to watch!

The funniest part was when she went into heat and I had to take her to the vet to get fixed.  Apparently… when a vet fixes a female cat, they lay them on their back after the anesthesia and let their legs fall open to lean against these bars.  Trouble kept tipping over since she only had the one leg.  So the vet had to actually figure out a way to do a one legged cat.  As usual.. she was being a pain in the butt!

About a year after losing her leg she got into another fight with a car and this time she lost.   The neighbor handled any burial and we were both left with the fascinating story of our one-legged cat.  I remember her every time I hear someone tell me they spent tons of money curing their dog’s cancer.

It cures my desire to roll my eyes at them.

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Younger vs Older

Posted on January 17, 2010 by Heather

Men are different across the board but most people put them into stereotypical categories.  And I’ll touch some of the other categories later but right now I want to share what I’ve learned about the stereotype differences between the younger man and the older man.

Before sex even enters into it there is a difference most assume right off.  The older man is confident and mature.  This is often true in many older men in many areas of their life… but not necessary sexually.  And I’ve found that maturity and certainly confidence can also be true for the younger man…again, depending upon the younger man.

What I’ve observed is the younger man who is INTERESTED in the older woman already has a level of maturity and confidence beyond his peers.  Which may be why he finds the older woman attractive.  As the women in his peer group often have a lot of the drama and expectations common for their age.

The other expectation  and stereotype of the older man involves skill.  This too isn’t a hard and fast rule.  The statistics that the older man will have more skill due to experience is sound but the individual factors out way them completely.   IF his experience has been with just one woman he may not actually know how to please a new one beyond what he did with that other one.  Or if his experience has been with uncommunicative women he may never have learned true skill.   Yet the odds do favor he learned SOMETHING and had more years to get that chance.

Again, though.. it truly depends on the individual.   And here it doesn’t matter if he finds an older woman attractive or not.  Some younger men find they want an older woman because they see her as a way to acquire the skills they desire.  A teacher.  Others find the older woman attractive because she’s less work.  She’s not relying on your telepathic ability to figure out how to please her.  And she’s not accepting what you’re doing as pleasure if its NOT, just because she “loves” you.

So maturity and skill are stereotypes we assume the older man has and the younger man doesn’t.  And neither is guaranteed.  As a woman, should you get to experiment with both and the ages in between, you will find this out yourself.

One stereotype that DOES play out more often than not is the level of physical fitness.  Young men rarely, although not impossible, have acquired the level of “extra padding” that age has put on most men.   There are exceptions and we’ve seen how the older man can “suck in his gut” but most men forget that they don’t have the flat stomach of their youth and leave those muscles loose and relaxed most of the time.

Yet sometimes the older man genetically never develops that gut or becomes much more fitness conscious and works hard to keep his body in shape.  And sometimes, especially with this generation, the younger man lets himself go.  That is the outward sign of immaturity that may cross all age lines.

But its the last stereotypical category that is truly the most important.  And sadly the most impossible to pre-test.  Endurance.  MOST assume the older man has the control to prolong his erection.  But some forget the factor age plays in acquiring the erection AND in keeping that erection hard, not to mention just how hard.   Here the younger man has the advantage.  He might not have the control to hold off that first orgasm but he’ll have the hormones to get erect again pretty quickly.

And that is a factor I do enjoy.  I enjoy it when a man orgasms.  If I’m only going to get one… that’s okay… but if I can get more than one, well, I think I might prefer that!   I love the fact I can drive a young man to a quick release orally (because I love doing that) and then shortly after still get to enjoy him sexually.  If I think the older man only has one orgasm in him.. well I’m almost afraid to touch him for fear I’ll take him too close.

Worse case scenario (and this has happened to me) he doesn’t orgasm at all!  Leaving me with what most men must feel after making love to a silent,  immobile woman.  Slightly unsatisfied with their own satisfaction.

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