Heather Barton

Hopefully many of you already know there has been a recent change in my “status” from Married to Single.  We haven’t divorced (yet) nor truly separated (again, yet) but we’ve decided to “be single” and still live together due to financial reasons and because of our kids.  And its helped.  I’m happier and less frustrated at him and together we’re fine partners.  He’s taken a more active role in consciously parenting instead of babysitting.  And a more self-directed hand in his own life.

That being announced… the news is I played and joined CougarConnection.com.  After the debacle of going out to a bar myself and getting, well, ignored, by the groups of guys and girsl (gee, is he single?  No he’s hugging her, wait… now he’s off to himself.. damn!  I’m confused!)  I thought going directly to a source of what I’m looking for might be more efficient.  And you know me ladies, I’m always efficient.

Eithne had finally taken some good shots of me and I filled out the endless questionnaire about myself and my preferences.   Thank God there were boxes to check! I did that 2 weeks ago tomorrow, on a Thursday evening… giving up half way on their questionnaires by 11p and went to bed.  And I was honest.  In my profile I listed specifically what I was looking for and what I wasn’t.  Just Friends with Benefits, preferably ones I get along with so they can be FRIENDS and preferably ones that spark my libido so there are BENEFITS.  And if I’m lucky… a little fantasy realization.

The next AM I went to the site to fill out the rest of the questionnaire and I was floored.  I had 9 emails.  By the end of that day I had 20!  It was a feeding frenzy!  I don’t know if its the pix or what I wrote or the fact it was a “real” woman on the site which is apparently 100/1    guys/girls but I spent a week trying to answer all the interest.  As of this date I’ve said “no” to over 200 men.  And I’ve said yes to several.

Oh and ladies, these guys are hot and cute and real and interesting.  And they all want me.  My ego is on its way to Mars!   And the pictures while good, don’t capture the spark that is my personality… so I’ve been having the fun of truly surprising them when they get into emailing me and meeting me.  What’s that McDonalds jingle…”ba, ba, ba, ba ba, I’m loving it”

Wow… I can hear the cringing through the internet!  “Be safe!” “I worry!” “I don’t know how you can do that.”  I can do it because I’m a doer.  When I want something I’m going to go after it.  I’ve wanted lust in my life (and yes, ladies, I want lust not love) for over a year.  Fate has handed it to me and I’m going to grab it for all its worth.  Or grab them for all they’re worth… WHATEVER!!

Just think of me as your little test subject.  You don’t have to be as wildly free and into your sexuality as me to enjoy this site.  You just have to be open to sex in the relationship, when you’re ready.  I can’t tell you how many men I rejected who were looking for Long Term Relationships, long walks on the beach, hours of massage, yada, yada yada.

I kept thinking of you guys every time I read a profile like that.  Were they lying, probably not… were they desperate?  Well, THAT’S a whole other story!

So I’m at Costco loading up the few groceries I bought and next to me are two older Asian gentlemen trying to wrestle a huge boxed item into the trunk.  Nope, it’s not going to fit I said to myself.  So they wrestle it back onto the flat cart and begin chattering in their native language.  It’s obvious they are discussing options. 

Looking at the box I realize they’ve purchased a floor safe.  I image it’s pretty heavy but I size the dimensions and guess it’ll fit in the back seat.  Sure enough they begin to maneuver the flat cart to the side of the car. 

They both look to be the same age.  One is extremely wiry and the other is heavier and looks more muscular but all he does is hold the flat cart steady while the other tries to wrestle the box into the car.  He’s having trouble… Hell, it’s a safe!

I offer to hold the cart steady if they wanted to lift together.  Smiles but they don’t take me up on my offer.  The little guy tries and fails again and I assure him it’ll fit.  So when he tries and seems to get it halfway, I step onto the flat cart and lend a hand. 

Alright, now I know I’ve been working out but the box isn’t that heavy because it lifts pretty easily with the two of us.  In no time we’ve got the box into the back seat and they’re thanking me with lots of smiles.

What they must think of the American woman!

And on that same note I was at a dinner talking to a woman about how often I work out.  I was wearing a sleeveless top and leaning on an arm and she turns to me and says, “Wow, you are cut!  We’ve got Linda Hamilton here.”  I was stunned and pleased and looked down and sure enough.  I had just the littlest hint of definition from my triceps. 

And it answered a question I had for Cat… how long does it take to develop a noticeable change in muscle definition.  Apparently a month or two of hard work.

Marriage is such complicated subject.  Gay marriage, the divorce rate, not to mention the craziness religion adds to the whole institution.   Is it a coincidence that “commit me to an institution” means straight jackets and drugs yet we call marriage an institution and rant about commitment?

I think marriage should have an expiration date.  After all, legally its a license.  What license is for a lifetime?  A dog license?  No seriously… here me out here.

If you knew your marriage license was going to expire every 10 years and you would have to renew it with the full participation of your spouse wouldn’t that put a new spin on things!  You would re-evaluate your situation every 10 years and both of you would either work to make sure the other would renew it or start agreeing to how to do the split when the date began to loom.  It brings legal truth to the whole “renew my vows” crap.

And it might really take the surprise out of a couple growing apart.  If one was determined to stay in the marriage then they’d have to pursue and “woo” as much as they did the first time.  And hey, if one party wants to leave there might be a lot less hassle involved.  And you could always get married for another 10 years if you wanted to, maybe to a different person.  After all, its only 10 years!

I bet the marriage rate would go straight up.  Divorce lawyers would be out of business, because any judge is going to say… “Hey, work it out, you only got 2 more years left.”  Unless, of course, there is abuse.  Everyone should get a free divorce when there’s abuse.

Oh but what about the kids, you say?  Well I’ve seen kids love divorce.  Two birthdays, two Christmas’s, the art of playing one parent off another is truly refined in the divorced household.  If both parents love the kids and the divorce isn’t bitter or angry then the kids adjust and adjust pretty well.   After all, historically women died in childbirth and husbands died in battle or just from overwork.  So quite often spouses have had to learn to be single parents in MOST children’s raising over the centuries. 

Hey.. I said over the CENTURIES. 

So I’m saying as a species we’ve learned to adapt and survive without the ideal marriage in our childhood.   And really… what person can claim their parents showed them a happy marriage in their childhood?   Really/   A loving couple like on television?  Impossible.  Yet we all survived, married and had kids.  Are we showing them a loving happy couple?  After 10 years?

All I’m saying is with an License about to expire things might be different.  Better?  Maybe, maybe not, but definitely different.

Can you imagine the Continuing Education you might have to take before you could renew your license!  Hmmm, class is in session!

 So the bad news is I seem to be forgetting to empty pockets in my hurry to get the laundry done.  So my dryer now has an interesting pattern of thin lines of baked gum through it.  And I found out flash drives do not survive the wash. 

But the good news is I won another contest from my beloved radio station.  See where I (and a guest!) are going for Halloween.

http://www.987fm.com/common/weho/?_show

This time I’m remembering to bring my camera!

In checking out The Blogess the other day I came across a cute little link which I followed.  But at the bottom of that link was this hysterical list.

Check out this “If Sarcasm Ruled the World” put on by the website cracked.com through their Cracked Photoshop contest.

http://www.cracked.com/photoshop_77_if-sarcasm-ruled-world_p27

I loved the fog one.

I’ve had several encounters with the police in my many years.  Some of them are quite commonplace and some of them are like, “Shit…what were you thinking!”

There was the time I briefly dated a cop.  I never felt so safe in my own home with a gun on the beside table.  But you can’t walk with your arms around their waist because that holster really gets in the way!  He was too tall and skinny for me anyway.

And the one time I was pulled over where the first words out of the officer’s… the young, blond cute officer… was a compliment.  I wish it was a compliment on my looks but he complimented me on safely crossing 4 lanes to make my exit in such tight traffic.  But he still had to give me a ticket for following too close to a car.  Too bad he didn’t give me his number too! 

Ah, and the time I dated a young man whose life career was being a drummer in his band.  He and some of my girlfriends and I went up to Forest Lawn drive for an impromptu gathering (this was back in the 80’s!… today that would be a rave in a warehouse!)  Anyway we were walking along and there was the lovely smell of ganja and cigarettes and probably beer here and there.  Then I happened to glance across the L.A. River divide and saw a lot of police cars driving by.  I was wondering about that and about to say something when I noticed a helicopter.  Seconds after I noticed that it’s spotlight went on, the cop cars hit their lights as they pulled up and the bullhorn from the copter said, “Don’t anyone move.”  We four high tailed it to my car and after brief questioning from the police they let leave.

And the time I dated a very bad character who got pulled over for drunk driving (this was in Iowa while in college) and me and another girl were in the back of his pick up truck in this camper-like shell.  We had no idea WHAT was going on, because the shell had no windows, until a cop opened the back and told us to get out.   The bad character was hauled to jail but the cops let us go.  It was scarier driving that 1950’s pick up with no actual pedal on the gas peddle…just a knob, no power brakes or power steering than it was being confronted by the cops.

So that is most of the varied law incidents I can remember.  Doesn’t detract on iota from my love of a man in uniform.  Hmmm, I wonder if I can find a cop bar somewhere….