Heather Barton

Kid meets God

Posted on June 16, 2009 by Heather

So, I’ve mentioned I’m not a big church fan. But I liked the first Unitarian church I went to…even though the drive was far. It was less like church and more like a religious discussion group…because the congregation was really, really small and everyone could raise their hands and give their opinion on what the ‘paster’ had been talking about. My kind of church…I’ve got an opinion for ya, right here!

Anyway…I had to stop because they were just terrified to use the term, God, for fear of upsetting the delicate sensibilities of the California Granola crowd (you know, fruits and nuts and flakes). I thought that was pretty wimpy and if you’re going to have unusual beliefs you shouldn’t be wussy about them. But I’m a girl and cute and who’s going to beat ME up about!

Plus I was looking for a place that would help me teach my kids about God without ‘converting’ them. Not an easy task. I went to a Foresquare church that my wonderful friend Trish went to and it was great, except for the parking nightmare, the Sunday School gamble on IF they’d have enough staff for all the kids, and the fact that the music and the sermon always made me bawl my eyes out. I want to connect with God but I’d rather not end up doing it so intimately IN PUBLIC!

But the kicker was when my oldest went to the ‘real’ Sunday school and not just the daycare version. I was worried because he’s just a little over-sensitive to the oddest things that others might wonder, “what the Frick!” So on that first day, when I go to pick him up, he bounces over to me to tell what a great time he had and as I scoot him ahead of me a woman touches my arm.

“Excuse me, are you Luke’s mom?” she asked. I’m thinking…shit…what did he do, did he lose it? I admit I’m her, ready for the explanations of his mild autism but she says.

“I just wanted you to know that Luke accepted Jesus into his heart today.”

Okay…now I’m truly baffled. How do you handle that? I’m sure others would jump for joy…but I wasn’t so normal. My first thought was…just what did you do to convince him to do that! Are you piling bullshit into his overly susceptible head that’s going to warp him for life? Warping him for life is MY job, dammit. I could only mumble an “Oh, okay” and hurry after Luke. I did allay my fears with heavy questioning of the boy…but everything seemed innocuous so I treated it as a little cute joke.

Then next Sunday as I pick up Luke a different woman comes over to me and says, “Are you Luke’s Mom? Luke accepted Jesus into his heart today.”

Well the words popped out of my mouth before I could stop them.

“Yeah, he does that every week.”

I couldn’t help but smile at the shocked look on her face. Oblivious Asperger’s – 1, organized religion – 0

Posted in Ah the Joy of !*&? Family | Comments Off

Minnesota 08 Vacation Story #1

Posted on June 15, 2009 by Heather

So I’m in my rental van, the only adult with 5 boys, and we are driving back from swimming in the pool in this Minnesota vacation. In the back bench seat I have Jacob (4) in a car seat, Conor next to him (6), and my cousin Andrew (8), yeah I said cousin. In the two captains chairs behind the front seats sit Evan (8) and Luke (10).

As we drive, there is some occasional conversation. Andrew has decided he is going to tell Jacob and Conor about every nightmare he has ever had because he can remember every nightmare he has ever had. I am paying only half attention; because basically I’m just the referee. Jacob asks some good questions and Andrew politely answers them, but after too many he flat out tells Jacob, “I just need to finish this story so stop interrupting.”

Jacob lasts about two minutes and then starts acting out some of the nightmares and then moves into pretending he’s talking on the phone saying, “Yes…o.k…right…I’m talking to Arden. Arden is my sister,” he tells all. Someone interrupts and the conversation goes something like this.

“Last night Arden ran around naked.”

“Did you see her butt and her privates?” lots of giggles.

“She has no penis.”

“That’s ‘cause she’s a girl.”

“I once saw a boy naked and he had no penis.”

“He must have had an affliction.” Andrew declares. “My dad has an affliction.”

I am SOOOO paying attention NOW!

Andrew goes on…”When his eyes do this, this eye only moves to here.” Rapt silence as he continues, “I have an affliction too.” And he describes something about his toe that is too visual for me to figure out… after all I’m driving here!

Jacob throws his arms out straight, fists balled tight and yells, “My affliction is shooting fire out my arms!” and adds all the appropriate sound effects.

“No!” says Andrew and several others. “That is not an affliction.”

“Afflictions are different from Powers.” More joint choruses.

“My affliction is that I don’t have good self control” says Conor.

“No,” says Andrew. “An affliction is something of the body and you’re born with it”

“Then I don’t know what my affliction is!” Conor says, now getting upset. Jacob is still shooting passing cars with his fire-arms.

“Not everyone has an affliction.” Many voices reassure him.

“You mean I don’t have to have an affliction!” yells Conor, visibly relieved.

I am valiantly trying not to drive into a ditch because I am laughing so hard.

Boys Rock!

Posted in Ah the Joy of !*&? Family | Comments Off

Beginning Writing 101

Posted on June 14, 2009 by Heather

Last year I discovered that writing is fun. Which is ironic as I look at my past history. My parents kept asking me what I wanted to do from age 16 to 18. Normal questions from parents but as a usual teenager I had no idea and the pressure was getting to me.

I never thought past the desire to date any boy I fancied at the time. So I started asking myself this question as college seemed to loom closer and closer and then one day after reading a book that made my cry at the end I thought what a great thing it would be to bring the same level of enjoyment to one person. And I realized. Wow, I want to be a writer.

So after that announcement my parents found the university that, at the time, had the best reputation for writers. And off went my application to University of Iowa. I figured I had chosen correctly; I had a great imagination, I was a voracious reader so I knew you needed characters and plot and I was going to get schooled in the basics.

Lo, that was not to be. The University of Iowa had 3 types of writing classes, expository writing (how to write essays or work papers), creative writing (English requirement not for those who want to be professional writers) and fiction writing (for those serious about writing).

The fiction writing course you could take as many times as you wanted because it was taught by teaching assistants as a group class submission and critique format. So a bunch of wannabe writers showed each other their work and criticized it under the watchful guidance of someone who was trying to get their own work published.

After about two classes where my science fiction works completely baffled the corn-fed Iowans I realized a few things. One, this format was not teaching me the basics that I obviously needed. Two, college was wasting my parent’s money. And three, I wanted to get out into the real world and live. So I left Iowa and returned to L.A. where I worked, lived and pretended to be a wannabe writer for about 8 years.

Then circumstances left me unemployed and for six months I focused on being a writer, spending hours and days writing a short story and actually submitting it for publication. It was nicely rejected and once again I was left realizing several things. One, writing is hard! Two, writing does not pay well until you’re famous. Three, the competition on the bookshelves in my genre is horrific. And finally four, I’m so lazy I would rather spend the time reading what other people wrote than write anything myself.

So how did I get to the opening statement in my life? My fantasy life. I learned early that you cannot read and drive. So what do I do to occupy my mind with while I sit in lovely L.A. traffic? I fantasize. Looking back I have always done this. I take a minor character in a t.v. show, book or series and I put myself in their life. When I was twelve I did it with Star Trek (Checkov), a few years ago I did it with Lord of the Rings (Faramir), when I was single I did it with Hercules (Ares…dark, hot and dominant…hmmm, yummy) the list goes on and on.

Then recently I went to a SF (science fiction) convention and was introduced to what they call FanFic. This is fiction written by fans about another author’s world. Some fans publish this work on websites and other places and the author has to be open to the whole concept of FanFic. I realized what I do in my mind is just like FanFic, and so at the age of 45 I thought I would actually write down one of the running scenarios in my head. And wow. It was great!

Not only was it fun, I thought the work was pretty good. I realized I’m good at scenes and dialogue, minor conflict and story flow. What I’ve never been too good at is creating characters from scratch. Oh look, use someone else’s world and characters, add someone based a bit on me and viola, Fanfic., purely for my own enjoyment. And I really did enjoy this. So I kept at it thinking…Who knows, maybe if I get inspired I can create my own world and characters. By then I’ll have all the practice to actually make a go of it. Maybe by 50 or 55.

Through all that, my friend Gina kept insisting I start a blog because my stories were so shocking funny and shocking interesting but I told her I was so busy that I had to have 30 blogs under my belt before I could ever start that…just so I wouldn’t have to spend too much time thinking about what to post. HA! Now I “draft” several posts per day and pop them up in case I’m out of town…like recently in Oklahoma.

But the reason for the caveat was because as most of you know (hello? Are you out there America?) I’ve taken my writing past the fan fic and into my own fic. I managed to create a character and wrote 2 novels about her (could do a third) and maybe she’ll get published. Then I took a hint from that Twilight writer and started looking at my dreams. Well, I dream every night so I have PLEEEEENTY of stuff to take from. I have one book idea down and a 3-book series down and soon (maybe, Hey! Stop pushing!) I’ll get them outlined, researched and written.

So I’m much further in this new career than I ever thought I would be. I still use fan fic to practice on because this whole experience is an incredible learning curve! But when they ask how I got started…well I’ll have it already laid out and I can just say, “Dude, read the blog!”

Oh and comment, dammit, so I know you read it and can stop bitching asking if you’ve read the blog.

Posted in Writing | Comments Off

Me and God vs Me and Religion

Posted on June 13, 2009 by Heather

I know that religion is a subject everyone shies away from, which is rather ironic considering how important so many people make it to their lives, but it’s something I love to discuss. Mostly because I enjoy shocking others and challenging their beliefs…especially with solid logic.

But first some background. And an apology because this is probably going to end up being a long-ass blog, but bite-me. (no really…oh, yes, bite me! Ooops, sorry, that slipped out.)

I was raised Protestant. My mother took us to church every Sunday while my father got to sleep in. When we got home he was in the tub with the entire Sunday paper strewn around him. I distinctly remember envying him his freedom. Not his atheism mind you…but his freedom from having to go to church.

Sunday school was alright but then sitting through the adult church service was agony. I tried to be the “good Christian” they all talked about and I had my moments of teenage religious fervor (usually after I’d come back from a week of church camp in the summer) but that never lasted longer than 3 or 4 weeks. But really, church was just a place to wear a dress, without hassle, (school would have razzed me big time if I wore a dress!) and socialize with any boys. Oh and I would basically just fantasize a story while the sermon droned on…it was the only way I made it through without going mad from boredom. Hence the early start of my writing mind!

Now…you need to understand that during my childhood and teen years I was a closet sensualist. I went through girlfriends…every year a different one…probably because I was shy and few really understood the way my head worked. And…now don’t faint when I tell you…but I never had any boyfriends and was 17 when I got my first kiss. Yes, really! See I had became an angry teen, reading SciFi/Fantasy books, further narrowing my social circle! Oh I loved, just loved the John Norman Gor novels…and if any of you have read them you know just how sexually daring they were for their time. I was reading those at 13! No one is surprised at that knowing me now…but it was a big secret I kept.

Through that was the church telling me “when you give yourself over completely to God, he’ll change you…removing all your faults.” Now, now before everyone gets defensive…I realize that probably no one actually said those words. Yet that was the impression I took from the teaching…and I just couldn’t bring myself to completely take that step. I had a secret and more than that…I didn’t want to lose it!

I’d been enjoying “the pleasure of my fingers” since I was 4 (and how I know that fact is another blog!) The point being that somehow I knew (or was told at an early age, who knows) that it was wrong and no one should know. And I really, really didn’t want “God” to take that away from me! So I never managed to make God the number one priority in my life as so many other “good Christians” seemed to.

Then as an adult I went a little wild (many, many blogs of that coming!) and God went on the back burner. Yet when I was around 25 I realized I was really, really angry at God and I started to delve into why that was. I spent a weekend really questioning that, using my logic.

First, I asked myself, “Did I really believe in God?” Because if I didn’t I needed to let go of my anger at something I didn’t really believe in. And if I did believe in God…hell, why am I angry at him…he’s God! My anger isn’t going to motivate him to do anything to change my life.

Funny thing…I totally skipped the reason I was angry and went to settling more on eliminating the who. Looking back I was just mad that Mr. Right hadn’t swept into my life and made it complete and felt I had to blame someone. God made a handy target. Gee…do you think people do that a lot!

So I started looking at my life…past and future and started seeing patterns. Mostly little things, like the random thought that would pop into my head that I didn’t listen to and so regretted later. And then I noticed circumstances that just seemed to come when I needed them.

And I had to admit that “something” whether I called it God/Fate or the Collective Unconscious was active in my life. Once that was settled a lot of the anger at ‘God’ left and I started looking more at my beliefs.

And I knew one thing…I hated going to church. And more than that I really, disliked a lot of the hypocrisy I saw in those around me that claimed to be religious. They had so little acceptance of other religions and other lifestyle choices. And it jut didn’t mesh well with the “Jesus loves me” stuff they taught me as a child. It was as if they said, “Jesus loves you, but…” and their “butt” was huge!

No cussing, no dirty talk, be a nice girl, NO SEX (that one really got me) but it went on…no gays, curb your drinking, no right to choose and everyone who wasn’t a Christian…well they were horribly wrong.

And I thought…wait. If we can love unconditionally or get really close to it, then certainly God has it mastered! So if God has mastered unconditional love, then why is he putting all these conditions on me? Does he say, “I love you but you said, ‘Goddamnit’ when you dropped that hammer on your toe and I just can’t tolerate that.” Shit, if he was that human…he wouldn’t be GOD, for friggin sake!

So I took a page from Bette Middler and imagined God seeing us “From a Distance” and realized that was much closer to reality right there. If God truly loved us unconditionally then he would provide as many routes to him as we needed to get there. Because he loves us!

And that’s why I’m a Unitarian. And my philosophy is… “Hey, Idiots, we are ALL right so stop fighting about the semantics, I’m sure it just pisses HIM off!”

And I can’t help but roll my eyes at the “mission” system, (you know…let’s go to another place where Christianity is outlawed and try to convert people). In this day of the Internet and television…if someone really wanted to know about Jesus, they won’t have any trouble getting the information! I have several relatives who do this, (yes really, they do!) and my brother’s (and my sister used to but she left that church) family gives a huge amount of money to his church…which doesn’t own a building…so a lot of the money goes to supporting the upper structure and for missionaries. It just turns my stomach, while our schools beg for money. (Homeless guy begging on the corner…believe it or not he’s a politcal rant, not a religious one.)

Hence my favorite bumper sticker that said, “I get along with God just fine…it’s his fan clubs I can’t stand.” Because it’s how I live my life. I think almost all religions are great for the individual who is getting something out of it. But when that religion tells me I’m wrong because my morals are different than theirs, I have a problem. Because hey…didn’t that same God make you and I? If he made me, faults and all, who am I to ‘dis his creation? I can only be true to who I am and minimize any negative impact that may have on those around me.

And if I bring Joy and Laughter and maybe a little Happiness to those around me then how I do it isn’t really the point. If that makes me not a “Good Christian” well…then I’m living up to my expectations! And I’m loving it!

The best part is seeing all the active hands God has in my life. And people…the patterns are there you just have to look for them. You read about a few in the blog “A Coincidence of Men”, well here are some of the latest ones.

I wrote my first two books of erotica and none of my friends were managing to finish reading it and giving me any feedback (yeah…what does that say if you can actually PUT DOWN my written erotica. Can’t be that good, eh?) So you understand my frustration. Then a couple of months ago I started trying to build a world or situation that I could write a series on and I brainstormed my Multiverse over a dinner alone (before I ended up at the bar drinking with about 20 Special Ops guys attending some sort of organizing conference…[bet you’re looking forward to that blog!]).

After that brainstorming event I was heading home on a plane and I met David (everyone say Hi…he claims to read the blog) (I love to fly and meet people…especially men!) anyway…David turned out to be a physicist… which my next main character was going to be! And he’d just purchased Season 1 of The Big Bang (which is my all time favorite comedy) and loved it so between us raving about the show I told him about my writing and quizzed him about being a physicist.

There was fate…bringing me what I needed. I shot David a copy of my two novels and he read them and gave me some wonderful feedback, just when I was wondering if I was any good at this. Oh..but the coincidences go on. He read the blog about how I went to college in Iowa City and told me he’d had a job there in the 90’s. My son has Asperger’s and his nephew has Asperger’s…although that’s not really a coincidence because if you’re a geek…then you have a relative who has Asperger’s! And if you don’t see him…look in the mirror!

And just yesterday…no really these patterns happen to me DAILY! I get an e-mail from the husband of a colleague at work who said his wife mentioned I was embarking on a new career writing erotic romance and did I know he was in the publishing industry? He knew of several publishers who specialized in erotica and did I want their names? Buhbuhbhubhbubh, YES! Then he offered to read it! Oh shit me Yea…a professional opinion. And, I kid you not, just a week ago I was worrying that maybe this wasn’t up to par…after all I only had the unprofessional opinion of my friends and only TWO of them had even finished the first book!

So…me and God = Great… me and Religion = big, long, wet raspberry. And I’m thrilled I live in a country where that’s okay. Stick that in the bomb up your ass religious extremist.

Posted in What's twirling my skirt now | Comments Off

A quickie

Posted on June 11, 2009 by Heather

p61100801

This is just to show off my new pix in hopes of making it a permanent fixture on the main page. And this is the best shot we could get. Damn if I just canNOT get my personality to show up for the camera. I hope to hell it can somehow manage it when I get to stand-up in case I’m incredibly popular and Comedy Central lets me do a special. Wouldn’t it suck if the camera didn’t get all my hot sex kitten vivaciousness!

Oh and check the new pix on the About Me page.

Posted in What's twirling my skirt now | Comments Off

New Glasses

Posted on June 11, 2009 by Heather

So I picked up my new glasses yesterday from Costco and I was as giddy as a schoolgirl over it. Finally, the icing on the cake that is my upgrade. You can just hear the “but” can’t you! Well they do look great on me, although my day pair (the one with the bi-focals) are a little darker than I expected…and didn’t we pick something that looked more unique? I can’t remember. The party pair look absolutely fabulous and I’ve been wearing them for the most part.

But…when I got home the party pair looked a little smudged so I cleaned them with the clothes they gave me and it just wouldn’t come off. It’s almost as if both lenses have these permanent smudges on them. I can still see clear…but it’s like a badly cleaned window…just a little more rubbing and it would be clean. So I may have to take them in to Costco and see what’s up with that and whether or not it can be fixed for free.

And then there is the wonderful new experience of bi-focals. As if going from large oval frames to small cute rectangles wasn’t enough of an adjustment, now I have this completely blurry line mid-vision which is the delineation between the two prescriptions. And why is that! I don’t need a delineation line…my vision would adjust very well without it. Which is why everyone said to go prescriptives but with such small frames I didn’t think I could find the ‘reading circle’ so I opted for the bi-focals. It worked wonderfully today at the gym. I could glance up and actually seeread the clock! And reading on the elliptical machine is incredibly easy now. So I happily go upstairs and do my ‘planks’ (I was so late up I had to skip the rest of the weights and rush to the shower). Of course, with my hair back I look quite like the school teacher (young man, see me after class) and I wasn’t paying that much attention but as I glanced down with my eyes while taking that first step my lizard brain panicked.

Remember these frames are half the size my lizard brain is used to so a glance down was complete blurry. I jerked my head down and watched the stairs flow into this weird Picasso pattern of clear, slightly blurry and are you looking through cheesecloth! Thankfully my reflexes are spot on because I grabbed the rail as my body went into adrenaline overload and my feet blindly trusted I knew what the fuck I was doing. I have since learned to carefully negotiate that first step. And there are a hell of a lot of stairs in my life. I live in a two story house…my gym is about two flights up and down and then there is the upper level with the weights and I work in a two story home. So the learning curve is sharp and constant! But I think the bi-focals are really going to help me while I work between looking at the paper and up at the computer screen. If I can just get out of the habit of looking over the top of my glasses and dragging the paper close!

I remember laughing at this joke that now has such new meaning for me. Someone was explaining Prescriptive type lenses to the comedian. He said you’ll see close, far and farther. So the guy says as he tilts his head…”Oh look a bird, and there’s plane, oooo, Alpha Centauri.”

On another note, ya’ll. Thanks for the comments. I’ve been replying to them so if you want my replies I think you have to check the comments section. So please…as if reading the blog isn’t enough work for you lazy bums…check the comments to see the back and forth. I like to think of the blog as a mass email to you guys as well as such fascinating reading for the world…Narcissist, me? Well, yes okay I admit…bite me!

Posted in Just Ramblings | Comments Off

Heather 4.6

Posted on June 10, 2009 by Heather

Oh, you thought the upgrade was just the weight loss! No, no , no…heh, heh, heh. As I lost weight, well, I needed new clothes. As I thought more of Cat and her Cougar ways (for those who don’t know that’s the character of my first two novels, as yet unpublished) I wanted to wears heels and sexy clothing, tighter pants, more skirts. Oh and boots!

And I remembered the old me…the hot little legal secretary who worked in Beverly Hills and drove a convertible. I was done being the always casual, makeup less, marcher who wore her long hair in a tie because it made her look more matronly. MATRONLY! What was I thinking! Well, I was thinking efficiency. I was juggling 3 youngsters, a job/business, a house, a husband and my Mom.

Then the kids got old enough to get their own breakfast. Shower themselves, dress themselves and generally do some of the chores around the house. And my life got a little less insane. So of course my body went crazy into pre-menopause/mid-life crisis. As if on cue there I am remembering being sexy and my body is hormonally moving into my sexual peak and if you knew me in my 20’s, quadruple that entire “love sex” attitude and you have me now! (My immediate family is going “Yikes!”)

So I started wearing more makeup. Just eyeliner, then lipstick, then mascara, then I added earrings and bangles and just recently a beautiful silver watch. (Only $14.00 at Target and it looks sooooo elegant.) And about once a month I buy myself something new. In winter I needed boots so when spring came around, of course, I needed sandals. I’d buy some nice slacks or a cute tight top and alternate between casual, sexy teen-wear and classy, sultry business wear. Slowly I’ve been Upgrading my wardrobe.

Then Nancy took one look at me at a GNO at flat out told me I needed new glasses. I thought I looked pretty cute in my glasses and swore I wouldn’t go back to contacts, but she insisted. Since I thought I was due for bifocals because reading had been getting difficult (Denial! Denial!) and I hadn’t been to the eye doc in about 8 years I went, got a new prescription and dragged Nancy to Costco to pick out frames. Those who dis get to help!

Oh and she was so right (Thanks Nance!). I look adorable and sassy and sexy in the new frames. That is why the pix of me won’t go up until I have them! Then Eithne found a cheap place to get her hair cut and dyed and wanted me to go and I jumped at the chance to cut my hair. I’d been trying to find the right style between length and curl and well with that cut I’d say SUCCESS!

So Heather 4.6 tries hard to always look noticeable, memorable and stylish. ‘Cause there is no longer any reason not to. I love the attention; it feeds my ego and makes me happy. And if those other bitches Mom’s at the school can’t won’t pull it off understand, who gives a shit cares.

I was walking my three boys and Eithne’s two girls down to Back to School Night and as I passed a gentlemen, while the kids were bunching up at the corner, I said, “Me and my herd.” He grinned and said, “Yeah but where’s your scooter!” I was stunned. I didn’t recognize him so he wasn’t someone who knew me but apparently he remembered me and the fact that recently, while I was carless, I would ride one of the kids scooters down the gentle slope of the streets to the school to let the youngest scooter back home. Of course, Heather 4.6 did it in sexy jeans and boots with her hair flying and a huge grin on her face! (Speeeeeeeed! Weeeeeeeee!)

But it felt wonderful not just to be noticed…but remembered. The real point to all our search for fame is that little voice crying…remember me. I like to think I manage to leave an impression wherever I go and not just because my ass has been in this seat for hours!

Posted in Narcissist Secrets | Comments Off

Hot Dads…whew…and eww

Posted on June 9, 2009 by Heather

98.7 is having a Hot Dad’s contest and us Rockaholics get to vote…you should see these guys! Some areobviously working their career…quiet a few are firefighters…and some were entered for the prize.

But gals you should check it out…let’s see if this link will work.

http://www.987fm.com/pages/hotdads09/gallery2.php?page=1

Oh and I got my first stranger/spam/ad/whatever comment! Wow, it’s actually exciting. He even included a picture Avatar…I got to get me one of those. So should I tell the site to let him on?

Vote with your comments! And check out those “hot” dad’s…Eithne, especially the guy on the last page whose friends submitted him…he’s in Pasadena!

Evil…I am just so evil…and just so loving it!

Lastly Ladies, we’re thinking of doing the next GNO on June 27th at Eithne’s for a day or evening of drinking, eating and laughing. And Gina… Eithne and I want you to show both of us a better workout…would that morning work for you? It’ll work for us, but let us know ASAP.

Posted in Just Ramblings | Comments Off

Heather 4.5

Posted on June 8, 2009 by Heather

I’ve been Upgrading. Personally, physically and slowly, I have made improvements to the old Heather model. And joyously, it has gotten to the point where people who haven’t seen me in a while are saying “Wow!”

They are also saying, “What did you do?” and “How did you do it?” So I thought I’d set it down on paper.

First things first let me tell you that I’m one of the laziest, over-indulgent sugaraholics you may ever meet. And denying myself things I want has never been my strength. Add that to the fact that ice cream is my favorite desert and its no surprise I got up to just shy of 160 lbs. Only my high energy day saved me from really packing on the pounds. Yet, then I’d spend my weekends in my favorite past time which is lounging around and reading a good book. That’s my idea of ‘giving’ to myself, since I’d spend so much of my weekend with my chores, the kids chores and any other extra work I gave myself. Then I’d usually snacked the entire time I read!

So the first step was exercise, “for my health”. Yeah. At my core I hate exercise. You’re fighting your body’s instinct to preserve energy ‘just in case of emergency’ when you go to the gym or do a sport. Then why do people do it? Because they get something out of it and/or they are motivated to do it.

I got heel spurs and my ankle snaps like it’s keeping time to a disco beat. So I changed out of constantly wearing tennis shoes and into expensive pretty Dansko sandals and Mary Janes and learned to relax by putting my feet up above my head at least once in the afternoons. And I started exercising to lose weight…after all my knees, ankles and heels would feel better not hauling all these extra pounds.

Heel spurs are grown when this tendon that runs from your toes up to the top of your calf swells up, over and over again. So naturally after 15 years in heels with never a problem, I spend 5 years as a mother in flats and tennies and suddenly it feels like I have a nail stabbing into my heel every time I take a step. Doctors say…stretch it and don’t let it swell…which I did. But what really cured it was going back to higher heels.

I guess it was almost three years ago I joined a gym. 3 or 4 days a week I’d swim, figuring I could get the maximum work out with the minimum time, because I was juggling so much. Then the gym restricted the free swim hours, my youngest left the school it was nearby and I got a great deal at 24 hour Fitness. Two years ago I began to go there and learned I can read on the elliptical machine. This became very necessary as I discovered I had to fight the running dialogue of my body in my head. It went something like this:

“Ow, ow, ow, isn’t that enough? I can’t breathe, I wanna stop, stop, stop, ow, ow. Really, ten minutes is good, you can stop. Look! Look, at all the calories you’ve burned, certainly that’s good enough? You’ll do more tomorrow. Shit, time seems to slow to a crawl when you’re on this machine. You’re close to your period, you should stop now, you deserve it, and you’re probably PMSing!

When I read, I don’t hear the running dialogue, which is good because she’s such a whiny bitch! And I found I couldn’t plot (i.e. write) in my head because she’s way louder than my ability to plot. And I found the best books to read were light Janet Evanovich books, especially the Stephanie Plum series. They are so funny, that more than twice I’ve almost fallen off the machine because I was laughing so hard…really, start with those, they all have numbers in the title and you can find them at your library. And Ranger is soooooo hot…all that dark, mysterious Latino…yum!

But like I said, going to the gym is against Mother Nature so it has to either be pleasurable or motivational. As you can hear from my inner me, it’s not pleasurable. So to motivate myself I would only allow myself the pleasure of reading at the gym. Not at home. And it worked. I looked forward to getting back to the book, so I looked forward to getting to the gym to read. Plus I finally found a time that worked with my schedule (it’s changed since then but now I’m firmly used to the new time so I can do it…see earlier blog for my typical day) I would drop the kids off at school and hit the gym by 8:30 am and manage to get to work by 10:30 am and put in 4 hours a day, and make up any extra hours at home in front of t.v.

That worked for a year and while I felt better and good about myself, I wasn’t really losing any weight. Shortly after that I started writing my first novel and as I got into it I would fantasize visualize the book selling, being a huge success and me going on a book tour. Then I took a good look at myself and realized…THAT is so not how I want to look ON A BOOK TOUR!

And that’s when I started substituting meals for Costco’s Kirkland Diet drinks. Delicious chocolate for breakfast and lunch and it amazingly filled me up. I’d sip my two cups of coffee throughout the day (now sweetened with Splenda or Nutrasweet instead of sugar, although I absolutely cannot part with my Caramel/Vanilla Creamer!) and made sure I ate a small snack every two hours. Because while the drink filled me up, I would still crave Chewing. Ladies that’s our problem…we’re not really hungry…we just want to chew something. The snacks were a Godsend.

I chose protein based snacks. A hand FULL of almonds (I have small hands but even I’m amazed at how much I can hold when its my only snack for 2 hours!), a hard boiled egg, and celery slathered with 100% natural peanut butter or my fav…Granola’s Peanut Butter bars. (I also use those bars to get my anti-fruit eating boy to eat at least a banana.) Then I eat a regular dinner and make sure if I’m going to have desert it’s at 6:30 when my boys do and not at 9:00 in front of television. The hours of 8 pm to 10 pm was my biggest challenge. That’s when I would finally sit down and have ‘me’ time and I was very, very used to rewarding myself. My solution…Trident sugar free, bubble-gum flavored gum, if necessary, I’d go through an entire pack in one night.

And it worked. I went to a doctor for an annual checkup and then had to go again for something else 6 months later and at that first appointment’s weigh in I had lost 10 pounds. I was shocked. I mean I knew I was losing weight, clothes were feeling looser but I had sized up because I was like a sausage in my pants, and I wash them a lot and they stretch. But to hear them tell me I’d lost 10 lbs in 6 months I was floored. And ecstatic!

To date I’ve lost 15 lbs in a year with the goal of another 5 this year. I’m not in a hurry. I don’t even have an agent yet and this system is working just fine. I have stepped up the elliptical machine workout to 30 minutes and Gina’s gonna show me how to target my “areas” with the weights more. But when I see a 24 Hour Fitness I get excited and hear myself think…Ooo, let’s go to the gym. Because it’s become my ‘me’ time. There I get to read. There I get to watch some of the cubs as they work out (always a plus!) or watch them play a game of basketball. And it’s there I get a few moments to pretend I’m Cat and practice her sultry saunter, although I’m in sneakers so I can’t really practice it until I’m leaving and in heels!

It all in the motivation and finding what really “works” for you. Remembering I was and am sexy did it for me, and NOT having it in the HOUSE!

Posted in Narcissist Secrets | Comments Off

Best Business Card Ever

Posted on June 8, 2009 by Heather

when-they-come1 Your getting two posts today because I promised a friend (Hi, Mary Kay) I’d post how I lost weight but I finally figured out how to upload a pix. Now if I can only figure out how and what is a “tag”. Anyone know?

Any way, I picked up this business card that had this on half of it and the other half was his name, contact and the fact he was a Personal Trainer! And it was beautifully laying out at the table of the Los Angeles Science Fiction Convention…and if you’ve ever visiting a Sci Fi convention it is filled with those in need of Personal Tainers! And Asperger’s men…tons of Asperger’s men and boys all Geeking out. And women in costumes who feel THAT is what will make them pretty.

I’m looking forward this year to going as Cat! Nothing turns on a geek than a hot woman who can and does participate in the discussion during a panel on Star Trek vs. Star Wars and isn’t also knitting something! (I swear…these women show up to panels and sit there with their knitting…and their long hair in a braid…in horrid 1970’s clothing. I think that takes the dress for comfort concept too far.)

Next pix going up is hopefully going to be me!

Posted in What's twirling my skirt now | Leave a comment