I ROCKED the parenting tonight if I DO say so myself. And I explained to all three boys what Oppositional Defiant Disorder is.
I gently told my children, individually, the change of rules in the house. I explained my concept of “Earned Electronics” & “Higher Effort Expectations” I had planned before them. Because during the last week they’d been at their father’s and I had a meeting with Evan’s teacher over HIS behavior and Conor’s principal in whose office he’d been to three times.
Apparently Evan isn’t doing his work in class. When I got a peep of the last 5 minutes of his school day I saw him sitting in his seat, hoodie over his head, non-participating. This was his teacher’s real concern. That and he’s not doing his work in class. Just stuffing it in his desk. He was shocked when I told him he was also claiming that he was doing his homework at school and that’s why there wasn’t any at home.
And Conor.. Oh! My! God!
Luke needed the least as he’s been the most cooperative but I did need him to know that this new regime was less a punishment than a push against all the laziness we’d all gotten into. More importantly I needed him to know before hand so he wouldn’t interrupt me with a lot of… “But not me, right Mom!” His anxiety drives him enough to try for, if not the Perfect Son at least the Best Son I have. That habit ironically sometimes drops him into trouble! So for Luke it was a short… “this will apply to you but not as much as to them” talk. And it was easy to accomplish privately since I pick him up an hour earlier than his brother’s on a Friday.
Using my smile & keeping myself “Zen” I managed somehow to counter Conor’s O.D.D. stubbornness. He’d shoot me a defiant angry look and I’d just grin back at him because honestly I missed the little cutie pie. It didn’t keep him from losing it a bit in Social Skills Class but he didn’t go in as angry as he was prepared to. He and I would have our talk in depth after his class. And while he was in class I could talk to Evan, just the two of us.
Evan seemed to take the news pretty well. But more importantly he opened up to me about his feelings. Explaining the chaos that Conor had been raining down and the battle of wills between Conor & Luke, with Evan the tired middle-man. At one point, poor Evan got misty-eyes as he told me because the garage was where Dad had all his stuff that he’d collected and that’s where they slept, that he felt like “they were just another one of Dad’s nicknacks in the garage.”
I could tell he didn’t want to go too much into it and I didn’t have a solution for him that would truly solve the problem, other than taking Full Custody of the boys. Which Evan even brought up! He told me a story where he asked his Dad if maybe they could only go to him on the weekends and Dad threw his arms in the air with a smile and said, “Perfect!” Evan told me it made him feel, “Like he doesn’t even want us!”
We spent the rest of Conor’s class time grocery shopping and Evan seemed to take my further explanation of Electronic Limitations quite happily. When he complained about Dad making him do things he didn’t want to do, like go to the YMCA, like their opinion didn’t count… I reminded him I make him go walking we me in the morning at 6am every day. His reply, “That’s ok.. I like getting up early with you.” (Although boy did he grumble about it the next three days I made him do it!)
Evan’s “reward” for being so cooperative was to have the Nintendo DS while I went in to go get Conor from class. Conor got the “reward” earlier for eating 4 raspberries. Trust me, that’s big for my stubborn Super-Taster. God, you should have seen his face. You’d think I was making him eat four bites of liver!
On the drive home I told Conor since he did have one or two moments of “trying” in class that counted as one-fourth being good so he’d get one-fourth an hour of electronics when we got home. He was pleased with that until he realized that was only 15 minutes. AND he’d have to wait until AFTER dinner! Then he complained and whined and stated, “Might as well not have ANY minutes.”
To this I calmly laid out the fact that when Conor lets his frustration make him do the Opposite that it will NOT result in him getting what he wants. In reality, he will just end up without what he desires and stay unhappy. (I know this because I do an adult version sometimes!)
There was silence for about 5 minutes and then Conor surprised is all. He suggested that if I let him play the Wii as soon as they got home he’d probably finish his turn before dinner was ready. “After all, you’ve got to take some time to get it ready, right?” Clever Boy! He promised he’d stop if dinner was ready and his turn wasn’t finished.
All this was delivered with the skill of a seasoned negotiator. No whining or anger in his tone. I told him that was a wonderful compromise. So wonderful I could only agree AND give him another minute of time as a reward.
And BAM… I’d done it. I’d managed what all the literature said to do with ODD kids. Reward the good behavior. Sounds simple enough in theory, but the hardest part is being there when they DO the good behavior, or even harder, GETTING the good behavior clear enough to reward it! Worse, you cannot ignore the bad behavior waiting for the good behavior to appear.
But I’ve got the currency in my hand now. And when I keep my “Zen” going and don’t let all the chaos of my life rule the emotions of the house, letting the emotions of the kids get out of control also… I can do it.
Everyone got one show to watch with dinner and then we had another discussion of the new Earned Electronics before I gave individual chores to each.
And with Conor, I parented him. We compromised over desert, we had a long talk after his shower, while flossing & brushing and in his bed. Just bonding conversation. Not a lecture, or a story. Just talking. I left him reading his book while I did the same with Evan.
Although that was more a funny story of Evan as a baby while he flossed & brushed. And he loved the new hairbrush that went through his hair, took out the tangles and DIDN’T get stuck for hours of pulling and pain. (Although the haircut the next day fixed that problem even more!) I let him read Calvin & Hobbes for his reading time & whispered to Conor he was guaranteed 5 minutes of electronics tomorrow for being so quiet and cooperative in bed.
I got a grin out of that. And the tuckered out boy was asleep by 8pm, Evan asleep by 8:30 and Luke, with a horrible raspy cough, managed it by 9pm.
Tomorrow will be the big test of this new reward system. There are many “tasks” set for the weekend and the coming week. Tons of moments they can earn electronics and/or melt down into frustrated tantrums. But “new regimes” by Mommy are not new to them. Whenever the parenting somehow seems to turn into babysitting, I throw out the old routine and start fresh. Hell, I used to do that seasonally!
Because the needs of children change as they age. Routine is nice, but they aren’t a factory churning through life making & doing the same thing over and over again. It certainly may seem that way sometimes to them! But they are learning individuals and while school tries to teach AND prepare them for their future learning, it’s my job as the parent to teach AND prepare them for adult status.
And we all know how chaotic being an adult can be.
Apparently, just being home with Mom is enough of a routine for them to relax and be happy. Luke told me 4 times when I picked him up that he missed me.
Note to Self… text Luke I miss him during the week his father has him.
Now to email the teachers of Evan and Conor for daily reports on behavior!