Heather Barton

My brother-in-law (sister’s hubby) is a Urologist (yes, that’s Penis Doctor.. you surprised?!) He trained in the Navy with the newest, coolest techniques and is now working at UCSD.

Anyway, Sea World had a problem with one of their dolphins and they ended up calling for the skills of my brother-in-law, Roger Sur.  And the Good Morning America did a piece on it!  Check it out!

Good Morning America, Roger Sur & Dottie

And for those who want to read the story

This all happened several months ago and we’re all familiar with the story.  Roger was even invited to a conference to give a little talk about the experience.  He’s been following up with Dottie and my niece (4) and nephew (7) have been accompanying him.  So when my mother suggested she take them on an outing to swim with the dolphins my sister replied, “Um, they’ve been doing so much of that at Sea World, the glow’s all worn off!”

Even funnier was how Roger paled when Sea World called him one day saying, “Hey, we got this whale….”

So my emotions dipped a toe into Girlfriend Mode and I’m noticing a difference in myself in Girlfriend Mode pre-marriage compared to Girlfriend Mode post-marriage.

As Sheldon would say from Big Bang Theory.. Fascinating.

I can only assume maturity has some basis in it.  But I like to think having the girlhood dreams (marriage/kids/love) gel into reality had even more to do with it.  Its like being married takes the glamor off long-term relationships.  Which really reduces a lot of crazy natural pressure from Girlfriend Mode to escalate any relationship into Wife Mode.

Twice I’ve gotten attached to a man post-marriage.  The first time was NOT healthy and I sensed it, doing what I could to resist the pull of preferring him over other choices.  He was a player and his attentions were really pretty lies.  Lucky for me Player’s tend to quickly drop you when they find a better replacement.  And so my “stalker,” as I amusingly called him because he was constantly begging me to see him, pulled a disappearing act.  It bothered me, but deep down I breathed a sigh of relief.  He brought out too many personal Bad-Judgment buttons that I’d worked hard to disconnect.

This newest attachment is more serious.  Its a connection that is bliss when I’m with him, making me miss him when I’m not.  So I’ve been carefully watching myself, my reactions, my feelings as we interact.  I’m watchful because I know me.  I know me, very, very well.  In the past when I care, I’ll worry they don’t, then I’ll worry they’ll find someone else, or that they’ll find something they don’t like about me.

And in all that worry I tend to do certain things.  I’ll walk away, out of fear of getting hurt (duh!  so many do that.)  Or I’ll push and push at them to reassure my insecurities.  (like EVERY girl, again, duh!)  Or I’ll self sacrifice my feelings, putting the choice of “do we stay or do we go” into their hands in a “prove you’re choosing me” gesture… (do I have to say it!  DUH!)

This time it was different.  Although at first I did the self sacrifice thing and the next day said, “This is bullshit… I’m not giving up THAT easy!  This is worth fighting for.”  In other words, I realized it wasn’t fair to abdicate my feelings on the possibility he had doubts, or was feeling moody and unsure.  (Geez Ladies, do we ever ALLOW men to be human!)  If I was just going to give him up, I had NOTHING to lose by telling him I didn’t want to do that.  If it bothered him and he left, I’d be in the same boat anyway.

And that decision was an epiphany.  I realized I’d never stood up and fought for a relationship before.  I’ve always deferred to the other party.  I didn’t want to come across as bothersome, a needy person always clamoring for attention.  Which is a direct result of my first love.

At 18 I fell hard for a 22 year old.  But he was just “enjoying” me and not in a relationship with me and managed to make me feel like a kid begging for attention.  Subservient in the relationship, being a booty call for 6 years, only to devastate my heart when I told me he was getting married.

But I’m in my 40’s now.  I know a good thing when I feel it, enjoy it.  And when an obstacle gets thrown into my path I don’t panic.  Its not some insurmountable test I have to navigate around or decipher his “true” feelings on.  Nor do I have to delicately try to explain without sounding like a nag what I’d like to “get” from him.

Because he’s a grown up too!  I can tell him what’s bugging me and what would fix it.  He can choose to do it or not.  He can tell me that won’t work for him and not be afraid I’ll blow it out of proportion in a fit of immaturity.  Maybe its because this relationship is based on friendship without a progression goal in sight.

Or maybe my insecurities are just old habits I’m finally seeing past.  The Ghosts of Habits Past.  Sort of Supernatural meets A Christmas Carol!

In any case the experience was wonderfully enlightening.  Learning things is great and I’m my favorite subject.

And in case you’re wondering, I did frankly tell this FWB what I needed.  Daily or semi-daily contact in some way to let me know he “lusted” me that day.   His reply text… a short, “you funny, girl”.  But he does it anyway.  🙂

So here I hover.. on the brink of Girlfriend Mode.  Studying this possibility… this road.  Observing the scenery I see and wondering if I want or even CAN walk down it.

I see the Flower Bed of Feelings.  Pretty, but boy do they take watering and care.  Because Girlfriend Road brings feelings on a deeper level.  A level that tends to bring up aspects of me I’m not that proud of… the scariest being my insecurities.

I ask myself, do I keep men distant so I can avoid these foibles or do I bring men into my life JUST so I can conquer them?  A question for the cosmos and actually rather irrelevant to THIS post!

It’s been easy to avoid Girlfriend Mode when the connection isn’t fully there.  When a piece is missing, making the connection less than a perfect fit.  Because of that I’ve been able to enjoy the relationship as it is without expectations or desires beyond the moment.   Which can be, hell it has been, a very nice thing.

Ah, but if the connection is very nearly a perfect fit, you’re body and heart conspire to swing your preference and force time/space/fate into giving you that favorite.  You find yourself consistently choosing that one over the other choices. Or avoiding making commitments until you know you won’t be getting your favorite.

I stare down Girlfriend Road.

I see the Trees of Contentment.  The solid feelings of relaxation and enjoyment I get when I’m with this person.  But I see the bare ground of Few and Far Between Land that lies between each tree.  It’s parched and pathetic.. barely filled with little starved patches of Chat Grass or Email Cactus and the rare but treasured Text Weed.

The voice of desire whispers in my head, “You can change that, fix it.  Some good tending and it will be filled with green.”   And I know its true, but I also know its work.  Work that takes two parties or the Blazing Sun of Insecurities will wither everything away.  ‘Cuz that’s what my foibles do in a relationship.

I look down on the path I’m on, the Path of Casual Encounters.  Yes, each Tree of Enjoyment is different but they’re spaced close together.  So close that the ground is covered by so much Chat Grass the landscape looks lush, with no work from me.   Yes, each Tree of Enjoyment is differently sized, some I’m familiar with and some wonderfully new.   But none guarantee the amount of enjoyment and relaxation from the Boyfriend Tree.  And to some the sheer numbers hide the Sinister STD Monster in the shadows of the forest.

(Wow.. I rock on imagery!)

Then I look behind me and realize I’ve been half on Girlfriend Road for a few paces.  Hoping onto the other road to distract myself when I feel the Blazing Sun of Insecurities threaten to destroy the landscape.  Laughing at myself I can only hastily install the Aqueduct of Communication and see if that helps the situation.

It may make the Road beautiful and appealing, a joy to walk on.

Or it may flood the place… making it impassable, killing every tree and plant!

In other words… I’m a bit needy and need attention.

It’s been easy to distract myself with the attention from many men.  Especially when I’m feeling emotionally neglected by who my heart wants.  But if I give them up, give up those distractions, he’ll have to pick up the slack.  So I gotta tell him exactly how I am and how easily he can maintain my sanity or I need to get off Girlfriend Road.

And how did I get to Girlfriend Road?  Tell ya tomorrow!

I’m sure many of you have heard of Pandora Radio.  Me, primarily because I tend to date men younger than my age group!  lol  Or I date internet junkies, like me.  In any case, I’ve heard it mentioned several times.  But when my fave FWB sent me a link that our fave band was on Pandora, I thought I’d give it a try.

According to those I’ve talked to, Pandora lets you create your own radio station by matching your music tastes from the bands/ artists you chose, playing similar sounds from other artists you may not have chosen.  Like putting in all your CD’s and hitting the “random” button on your player.  Except that some ghost has added considerably more to your collection!

Oh, but its soo  much more!  You get to “vote” on the random songs Pandora plays.  A thumbs up will encourage that song and more songs like it to play on your personal station.  A thumbs down will get you an apology as Pandora immediately dumps that song off your list.  I can almost see the vinyl fly out of the room!

And as each song plays you can pop up the lyrics if you want.  And apparently there is an option to purchase the music.  I think.  I tend to skitter away from ANY buttons with the word “buy” on them!

Alas there were commercials but you can “upgrade” for a fee to a non-commercial version.  Maybe.  I don’t know.  For now I can suffer through a 10 second commercial. Of course the upgrade is only $36.00 for a year, which averages out to $3 a month, but still….

And there are limitations.  Very interesting limitations.  If you go onto the site.  www.pandora.com  I suggest you immediately read the help section, which, very considerately, opens a separate window so you can still vote on your music.  What Pandora WON’T do is play your favorite song on demand, or play it over and over again.  It’s there to provide you with a multitude of songs, a variety.  The artist you’ve chosen or added as variety will only play 4 songs from that artist.  The rest, other artists.  So in a way you really are expanding your musical tastes.

And it’ll only let you listen for free for 40 hours a month.  So if you fall in love and find you’re listening to it more and more, yes, you’ll have to pay.  Although there is the option of paying for unlimited listening for the rest of that month if you run out…  for 99 cents.  Oooo.. dare I spare it!

Playing Pandora music is fun, but it’s (again!) like a job.  I must listen carefully to a new song and decide if I like it enough to thumbs up or thumbs down it.  Or maybe see what happens when I ignore it.   I like the option of considering a new song or a new band.

Cheaper than buying their CD if you’re unsure.   But it’ll never replace iTunes when you ARE sure!  And its not as good as listening to 98.7 from my laptop when I’m craving all my favorites!  But I highly recommend giving it a try.