So you’ve done a little research, maybe tried a dating site or a sex site and you’ve got your pictures all ready to go. (See my earlier post on how to do pictures
http://www.heatherbarton.com/?p=2553 
and I’m sorry it says part 2 is the email but THAT didn’t make any sense… obviously the next step is the profile!)
Next step is your profile. Which all begins with your screen name. Although I will say that for me picking a screen name immediately screeched me to a halt in this process when I first started. Because in choosing this I’m actually choosing a new persona. So I needed to give it some thought. Obviously I couldn’t have it be my real name. Yet I didn’t want it to be cheesy, either. I wanted to protect my privacy as much as possible, without losing my self-respect in a made up name like Isohornygirl, or something ridiculous like that. (No disrespect to the woman who HAS that name, and trust me she probably exists, it just wouldn’t represent the level of woman I was representing.)
Now, do not, I repeat, do not choose a real name as your persona. Don’t decide you’ve always wanted to be a Tamera instead of a Mary, a Scott instead of Marvin. Remember these people you’re meeting will think that’s your real name and immediately wonder what else you’re hiding when you reveal its not. And sometimes the people you meet end up as a connection that may not be dating but just as valuable. Online dating is a great way to let fate/God/karma/ whatever you want to call it, bring people into your life that could benefit you. In fact there is a high percentage of people who USE online dating to build their trainer/massage/DJ business. So be aware of that when you’re looking at profiles yourself. If that person seems too good to be true, its probably a fake or pro or someone with less desire to date than to just meet prospective clientele.
Anyway, once you’ve picked your name, most sites have a little cute tag line for you to fill out. The most humorous one I ever saw was, “Of course its small, Catwoman, its a Bat dick.” Which is doubly amusing when I got to play with that man and it was ANYTHING but small! But he has a happy, goofy sense of humor & he’d been successful on the site long enough to take the seriousness out of the whole process. And therein lies the tip. You are hoping women are reading that line, not men. So DO NOT go macho Stallone in any part of your profile, including the tagline. Your ego isn’t what she’s looking for no matter if its a sex site or not.
Now writing the profile is hard but most sites do their best to help you through it by dividing it into categories of “About Me” and “What I’m Looking For”. And just so you know this was just as difficult for me as for anyone. While as a woman and can go on and on about myself, I’m also a writer and will therefore agonize about every freaking word. When I helped my friend write a profile for her Match.com profile I realized it wasn’t just me!
The Profile is usually the most difficult part of joining an online dating site. Few people think they can or should spend much time trying to come up with a paragraph describing themselves and their best qualities. Men are especially guilty of this. And it’s understandable really. Short of a resume, when DO we ever do this? Women often turn to their girlfriends for help, but most men don’t really have that option. Yet taking this self-analytical step is crucial for the success of your online dating experience.
So if you don’t have a “girl – friend” to try to help you this is what I suggest. Sit down with a pen and paper and start a list of “what I’m looking for.” Why this step first? It gets your brain thinking and its the easiest. Obviously you’re trying to find a realistic balance between your “fantasy mate” and “that horrible ex.” And by realistic I mean get beyond any obsessions about physical beauty and negative stereotypes. Just because she’s got a few extra pounds doesn’t mean she’s not a sexual dynamo and just because he looks like an average Dad doesn’t mean he’s not a fun surfer who loves all your favorite bands. You can list what you’ve learned are your favorite preferences: certain height, blondes over brunettes, curves over model thin… but don’t start naming the actresses you lust over and don’t just write down “breathing” and consider it done! No matter how true it is! lol And after you’ve listed the physical attributes, start on the personality you’re looking for.
So after you have this list, you need to replace these specifics with generalities. You want a man a certain height? That’s a fair desire, but how about going up and down in your inches range. Do not miss out on a wonderfully compatible man based on his height. My perfect match turned out to be 5’8″ with an absolutely geeky picture! The same applies to age. I’ve met men in their 20’s & 30’s with just as much sexual issues that some men get in their 50’s. And I’ve met men in their 50’s who can out-sex a man in his mid-twenties without any help from a blue pill. What I’m saying is use the list to help you clarify your expectations and objectives for online dating. Because once you get past listing the physical you’ll find yourself listing the deeper things you’re looking for. And its those things you truly want to convey to a potential reader. But don’t be cliche about it. No one really likes long walks on the beach.
At first when I joined I just wanted to have sex. But as time went on I realized what I was looking for was a friendship that included fun activities and hot sex with no expectations of a permanent relationship. In other words I wanted all the fun of dating without any of the “where is this going” stuff that most relationships end up being about. But I didn’t know that for the first month or so of the adventure. Thankfully, once I did realize this it was easy to go back to my profile and modify it, adding words here and there to better explain my desires. Amusingly I got better emails by clarifying what I was looking for. And in reading the profile of men, the ones that listed out lots of specifics about what they were really looking for made my decisions much easier. If I felt I COULD be that woman, even for a little bit, the profile became more a possibility. And if he listed things I KNEW we wouldn’t be compatible with, it saved us both a step in the process. (Like Country music or Harley motorcycles… for me that’s a pass, for others that’s a plus!)
And don’t try to write what you think we want to hear. I’ve often read sappy profiles that went on and on about “soul mates” and “the one” . Or worse, samples of their “erotica” all thru the profile. Sadly, some men don’t realize that women who read erotica aren’t reading the same style of stuff that men are! You can tell 50 Shades of Grey wasn’t written for men.
So you have your list of what you want written out, expanded into generalities and pared down to what you might realistically find on the site you’ve chosen. And you’ve worked it into a paragraph (or two, more is better) of “What I’m Looking For” Now you need to start a list of “what I bring to the table.” Don’t be shy or modest. Put it all down. Sing your praises! Because you are most likely going to “lawyer-ize” it up by phrasing these qualities in a way that’s less boastful. But you cannot do that if you don’t honestly acknowledge them first. And don’t neglect the activities you enjoy. She doesn’t necessarily need to do them with you but she will judge you based on them. Surfer types draw me because of their natural combo of zen and daring. Led Zeppelin lovers not so much as they’re living in the past not the present. But for other women they don’t like the surfer type and love the man who loves the “Classic Rock”. So listing what you enjoy helps her/him find a connection outside of the bedroom.
Because let’s remember that even when looking for sex, the women are still going to follow some of the basic rules of dating. She’s looking at YOU not necessarily how fabulous your six pack looks in the picture. Although I’m sure she’s factoring that in. The same goes for your “tool”. Boasting about its length and width goes about as far as boasting about the expensive car you drive or how much money you make. If she seems interested and responds, you can mention it then. Kinda like a “perk” if you will.
Sadly, few sites let you look at sample profiles of what will be “your competition” so to speak. Which would be helpful in the beginning. But let me just say, as a woman who’s looked at many profiles, less is NOT more. You don’t need to write a long novel, but the more of you that you can put down the better. Try to make it amusing or light-hearted if you can, but if it just sounds snarky or stupid erase those parts. Yes, the more intelligent you sound, without sounding egotistical, the better.
After all, the opposite sex is looking to find a connection also or they wouldn’t be there.
irst post on May 28, 2009 back when my life was so very, very different than it is today. It was at the insistence of my friend Gina, who every Thursday for an hour while our sons’ were at a class, I would make her laugh with my stories. “You need a blog! You are hilarious!” she kept telling me. She was apparently very convincing!
