Heather Barton

This should be a pop up on my computer

I have always touted how I was so good at multi-tasking.  As a matter of fact I find I often cannot JUST do one thing at a time.  And the few moments I do try to just do one I feel as if I cannot start anything unless something else isn’t going on… the radio & Facebook or the television at LEAST.   And moments are often wasted while I choose, glance, get caught up in all the “background” noise I feel I need to begin my work.

So far this hasn’t really seemed a bad thing.  I can actually keep up on many things all at once this way.  My recorded tv show is perfect background entertainment when I’m updating the mailing list or doing a broadcast email which is tedious mind numbing brainless work.  Listening to the radio during the day often makes me smile with my favorite songs and its amazing how I can hear a phone ring from across the house even when in the garage with my radio blasting.    Checking emails often only takes 5-15 minutes of concentrated brain power, allowing almost constant  monitoring of 6 emails, my blog comments & 2 Facebook pages!

But I’ve found a crazy byproduct of all this mass-efficiency.  I lose things.

See what happens is I often don’t have time to sort & file some of my personal things.  Or I set it down to follow up on something and it gets under other work (with even MORE work piled on top of that) and/or misfiled or set in a stack of “trying to get to” with other things and buried.  Then when I go to look for it I have to turn my office or house upside down trying to find it.  The absolute WORST part of this wacky cycle is often when I’m looking for something, (and I usually find it btw), I realize in the searching that something ELSE I thought was “right here” is now also missing.

Now I’m torn… do I keep searching for this missing item or get on with the task needed done now that I’ve got the missing piece.  Usually I end up placing the found prize in my briefcase to “accomplish” later and keep up the search.  And every time I tell myself I need a better organization system.  That somehow if I had file drawers that opened easily (currently mine are so rusted they only open only with a twisty wrenching battle)…  that I could stay up on filing and not have this “stack of crap” to go through every time this happens.  That if I could JUST have a few focused days I’d be able to “get ahead” of all this “to do ” stack so this wouldn’t happen again.

Yet I think the real culprit is doing so much all at once is preventing me from finishing any of it.  So I’ve decided to see if I cannot apply the focus of the Autistic to my dilemma.   Take one thing and just about obsess about it until it is completely finished.  Perhaps I’ll actually get more done this way.

I do need new file cabinets though.

Otherwise known as WTF !?!  Am in a Time Accelerator!!

I looked at my blog and realized I haven’t updated it in almost a month.  That is bad… really, really bad!  And yet, all I can do is a give a quick up date cuz things aren’t going to get any better for at LEAST a week!

So updates.  Luke DID do a  mental wake up call over the fight at school.  In his last visit with his shrink he said he didn’t want his medication upped, even though I felt he needed it.  Instead he wanted to try and have  more self control.  The shrink endorsed the effort and I announced I didn’t like it at ALL since I knew April was going to be super busy for me.  So we’ve adopted some positive enforcement techniques that he’s been using to ignore the way his peers annoy him & get him out of his personal funks when he fails.  And for the most part its been working a bit.  Its definitely a long project.

And on the note of teens on “meds”…  Tongue God couldn’t go with us to Coachella (Booooooo!!!!)   because HIS daughter had a meltdown and between the shrink/meds/timing he just couldn’t leave her for the weekend even if left with family.  He had ticket in hand and waited until the last minute in hopes she’d feel better.. but nope.  He was almost as upset as me in not going.  But promises next year.  And plans on making it up to me.  That might be rather delicious.

So while Coachella was as wonderful as always I didn’t get to proudly be that Cougar with two men on my arms for my 50th Birthday.  But Sex God and I had more than our share of great fun and I’ll be blogging more details later… hopefully…  I PROMISE!   That week with him left our relationship rock solid and me in a blissful smiling state.

So this month has been an eye opener in long term finances.  My brother had to evict my Dad and his wife from his house.  They were WAAAAY too comfortable and putting off either moving back or moving to assisted living.   My sister-in-law was close to going postal on my Dad’s wife who was resisting learning how to essentially “parent” her spouse, leaving it more & more up to them.   I don’t know how long she’ll actually last in the “till death in sickness & health” part.  But for now they are back in their home and we are not micro-managing how she’s adjusting or not adjusting.

Going with the boss/my mother to her accountant’s was also an eye opener for me.  I knew the business wasn’t doing well and mostly supporting my salary was sucking the income away but didn’t realize how much and what those consequences might be.  And then I get my paycheck for April and with a week out of it for vacation I asked her if NEXT year I could get a paid vacation instead of any raise.  Ouch for me!

I managed to get my own taxes done juuuuust after Coachella and luckily paid less than $100.  But I’m having more trouble than I’d hoped staying in my budget.  Too many unexpected expenses keep popping up monthly.  Sigh.. we will manage somehow, I’m sure & we’ll see what needs to change to do that.

My cousin and his donor sailed through the surgery and he seems to be doing well.  The Minnesota funeral was fun seeing all the relatives. (see picture above)  My mother’s feet swelled up on the flight there and stayed bad until on the flight out where we employed the “beer” strategy to get her own kidneys back up and running.   Once home a little aspirin went a long way to helping her stop retaining water.  She blames salty Minnesota food and I blame the airplane ride.  Which is sad since we we’re off to a conference within a week and we’ll be able to test this theory as we’re heading back to the mid-west.   On that last trip I noticed she NEVER drinks water.  EVER.  Well, maybe in taking medication but not with meals.  Juice, soda or wine are her liquids.  She claims she drinks water when she’s thirsty but is never thirsty.  Right.  *eye-roll*

The passports got sent in with lots of drama as I cannot find Conor’s birth certificate and I’m sure the Ex took it on the advice of some idiot or another that “I” shouldn’t have ALL the kids ID and he now cannot find it.  Hopefully there will be no problem in processing them and we’ll have them by mid May.  And if not we should have enough time to fix the problem.  My brother and brother-in-law were ready to “have a talk” with my Ex when told the story of the passport difficulty.  I would have actually enjoyed watching that, but it would stress the boys.

Luke came back from a visit/dinner with his Dad all worried that the two of them were growing distant. I then had a nice long talk explaining the non-social aspect of his father’s personality and that he will ALWAYS be the opposite of me when it comes to having a relationship with his children.  Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love them, just that he doesn’t cultivate a positive relationship with them.  I suggested he try more when he’s an adult and not to worry about it now as a teen.

My housesitter while I was at Coachella got to see the Ex and sent several texts to me saying, “Really?  I cannot see you with that man!!”  At which I laugh and say, “Well, why do you think I’m NOT with  him!”  Of course, she’s seen Sex God and in comparing the two, well, there is very  little to compare!

Birthday dinner with my family was alright.  I should have been sitting in the middle and not the end but frankly, after a week with my Sex God I was too mellow to give a shit about anything! lol.   The family photo the next day was with a similar attitude and then the boys and I went to dinner at a coffee shop and had a blast laughing at Meme’s off the internet the whole meal.  Then we went home and just continued the fun with me watching them wrestling around the floor taking turns wrapping themselves in the king sized memory foam topper like a burrito!

I realized I have a pretty good life.  I may not have tons of money in the bank for retirement.  I may not have a huge friend list to party with (although I do have an active social/sex life lol)  I may not always be able to pay my bills or give my kids the clothes/treats/events I’d like to.   But I love my kids and they love me.  And we have so much fun in each others company we sometimes just don’t need others.  I have an outlet for my love that grows my own feelings to want to share it with everyone, both in my kids and in my Sex God.

Surfin Sex God

My family may never understand me but they still like/love me.  My extended family will NEVER understand me and may judge & frown but since I love myself so securely and I live in a world were I HAVE the freedom to be me I can just smile and love them anyway or ignore them!

So while my life is hectic and busy and fun and crazy… I love it.  I love me.  And I most of all, I love being 50.

Although I did get an offer from AARP membership in the mail yesterday..   durp!

So my Grandmother finally gave it up and passed away yesterday at noon.  Yay!!!  Although now I have to travel sometimes next month with my mother to Minnesnota to  intern her ashes in the family plot.  I so don’t want to go & I’m sure as hell not paying for it! Ha!  But my mother wants me by her side and since I’m such a key point of her support I’m going just for that.

Those of you who may feel I’m being disrespectful to my Grandmother should know that she was quite the Narcissist (where I get it from no doubt lol) but she really had no caring nor responsibility for how this hurt those around her.   She was a horrible mother.    I, at least, TRY to limit the damage my own selfishness & desires to be “me” might bring about for my kids & some say I do a pretty good job.  But my wonderful Mother deserved a better Mother and not one who pretty much secretly hated her throughout her life.  So, no.. I’m NOT sad she’s gone.

And the evil in me is looking forward to the Chaos her death is going to create amongst those expecting parts of the estate. lol…  I, obviously, am getting nothing being a child of the disliked oldest daughter who never bothered to even pretend I liked her at all.

And in other news… my cousin is undergoing Kidney Transplant Surgery next week.  Fingers crossed it all goes well.   He had no idea all his life he only had one kidney until it started to go bad.  But turns out his neighbor is a perfect match so they’re giving it a go Tuesday.

Work is progressing well toward PPV and I’m hoping to have it up by the end of April.  Then I’m hoping it is successful and takes my mothers business into THIS century!  Although these days the goal is to make my salary & expenses every month!   Feeding three teens is expensive!  Doctor bills, prescriptions, SHOES!, dental, now the middle one needs glasses & the oldest toe surgery, passports for the cursed Alaska trip, driving school for the learner’s permit for the 15 year old… and the Ex pays me not a DIME of child support and bitches that he cannot afford $30 for a notary for the passports.

Last week, Luke got into a fist fight at school.. let me rephrase that… Luke got the shit beaten out of him at school because he arrogantly called another kid a moron.  The school is handling it, well, I might add.  Luke tells quite the one sided story.  I’ve had to point out his responsibility for assuming name calling was going to go without consequences.  And the School’s version of what happened.  He has a level of his father’s denial of personal responsibility.  I’m using it all as a teaching moment.  I’ve got to.  If he doesn’t lose his father’s “I hate stupid people” attitude he’s going to be as successful as HE is and blame others for it just like the Ex does.  Plus I’m hoping I might be able to springboard him into learning to love himself and out-logic the negative thoughts when they come up.  Or he’ll be on anti-depressants forever.

Speaking of negative thoughts.  My body is moving into a new phase of menopause.  I think its finally done with menstrual cycles.  Yay!  I hope… they say you never realize its your last until a year of not having any.  But I’d settle for the occasional one every few months rather than every three weeks that I’ve been dealing with for the last 5 years.   But this new phase also brought on some extra moodiness and almost a break from my libido.  Didn’t help that I’d forgotten my over-the-counter Estrogen pills for several weeks.  So I kind of went into Girlfriend Mode on Sex God and got pissy and whiny about his lack of attention.  It came to a head last night and we sat down and had a serious discussion about my needs and his ability to meet them.   Its his surf season and twice now he’d canceled plans with me because he’d used up all his energy surfing and working.  And while I don’t want to take his bliss away he agreed he could make more of an effort to see me since I cannot go see him as much since the Ex refuses to take his share of custody.

But its 12 days until Coachella and then me & my Sex God will get a week to repair our relationship.   I told him, “It will either make it all better or we’ll get sick of each other by the end of it.”   He just looked at me and laughed and I laughed back.  I don’t think there would be any amount of time that would make me get sick of him and amazingly its the same for him.   We’re just too aligned for that.   What my friend Carmen calls “Evenly Yoked”  as a couple.

Tongue God is coming with us to Coachella to help me do turning 50 the right way!  Heather style!

So much other things have happened but they deserve their own blogs.  I’ll get to them, I swear!  I hope.. sigh! lol

Within the last 6  months I’ve had two friends I’ve never met come to me for relationship advice. Not really that surprisingly.  All my FB friends know ME and are my friends because they like ME… therefor they know I’m a good ear with interesting insight, especially for unusual situations.  Ironically, my advice both times after hearing their sobs of “And then I found out he did THIS!” was a cautionary question of “Is this relationship good for you?” Cautionary because every story has two sides and I’m only hearing one of it, really.

Through their “But I love him!” wails and both did it, I  pointed out their previous admission of feeling used and rejected and lied to and confused and alone.  I tried to be helpful but neutral, an ear but also trying to provide sane suggestions.

I will admit that my advice is based on what I would do in their situation.  I would leave.  I’m all about survival of Heather when it comes to matters of the heart.  Even with Sex God, my desire to have an open relationship was to protect myself as well as him.  And when he had a six month bout of bad judgement I almost broke it off completely.  If I’m in a relationship, any relationship, where I seem to be giving this HUGE amount and not getting even half of that reciprocated then I’m over-invested and obviously need to diversify!  (Even my kids know they gotta do a bit to pull their share! hahaha)

Yet the truly interesting point to this blog (cuz who’s surprised people come to me for relationship advice! ha!) is how both friends solved their issues in markedly similar manners.  Granted they are friends with each other and probably one did it and the other realized this was a working solution so tried it, but its STILL a very unique solution.

To see the solution you need a little bit of the problem.   My friends had found out that their love had been cheating.  One of them found out that all this time she’d taken him back into her heart he was lying to her that while he was still living with his ex wife it was for the sake of their kid, he wasn’t “WITH” her.  That he loved her & wasn’t doing anything with the Ex.  All the while lying to the Ex wife that he was still seeing my friend but only as a friend.  (The other is even MORE complicated than THAT so I’ll not go into it!)

Anyway so my friend calls me to talk and explain that she found this out by talking to her lover’s Ex and the three of them are going to have a sit down  meeting.  The two women planning on going on the offensive on his ass.   And later I see on her page a posting where she’s now in love with both her love and his wife.  And then the OTHER Friend who was dealing with her love and his online love seemed to have also worked out a threesome relationship with his online love.

And suddenly I’m struck by this crazy thought…  Is there a man shortage that I’m unaware of that a woman would choose to stay with a man who’d lied rather than look for one who didn’t?  Don’t get me wrong… if this works for these women I’m all for it.  After all, who am I to judge when I love my Sex God but we have a very open relationship with few boundaries.

Then before I can write & post this blog entry… THIS happens.

Which I’ll tell you about in the next post! Muahahahahaha  🙂

I’m sure you’ve seen the wonderful ad campaign for the new-ish (at least 4-5 years old) website www.cougarlife.com?    Well, my site is refusing pictures or I’d post it here!  .

Basically it has a sexy older woman on it with the website in huge lettering and the slogan for MOTHER FUCKERS with the U, C & K blurred out!  I think it is brilliant on several levels:  the play on words aside… the sexy boldness of the site matches most attitudes of Cougars.  Plus its sure to get its own free advertising as its shock value goes viral!

I’ve been toying with the idea of joining ever since I saw this billboard come out but usually my regular dating site serves its purpose well enough to provide me with interesting male companionship when my need for adoration hits a “neglected” level.  So I never really felt the need.  But I DID “like” them on Facebook and they started posting interesting little tags here and there that peaked my interest more and more until I finally went to the site and see what’s up.

And boy have I been pleasantly surprised.

First off it cost me nothing to sign up.  Which was expected.  I assumed it was a trial membership and they’d hit me up for money eventually and until then I could explore at my leisure.    Two weeks later I called customer service to find out exactly HOW much this was going to cost as I’d been enjoying the site very much.    Again, I was pleasantly surprised as not only did I get off the holding pattern of customer service after only a minute or two and talk to a genuine East Coaster (not outcountried  in other words) woman.  She laughed whle she told me its free for women and stated boldly, “It is dating, after all, so women don’t pay, just the guys pay.”   Which makes complete sense for a site advertising Cougars to Cubs.  Really, we’re not desperate women and we’re smart enough NOT to be Sugar Mommas.  We expect you to have the $$ to fund your sex drive.

And the “Cougars don’t pay” scenario is not just in the “dating” example.  See, there are actually more Cubs than Cougars in the single world.   So contrary to popular myth we rarely HAVE to “hunt” Cubs as they are usually coming up to us.  So assuming that we’re on this constant hungry prowl and are willing to do anything to find a Cub to bed isn’t reality.   At least that’s what I’ve found online.  Although I will admit when I went to what was reputed to be a Cougar hangout and turned out to be more of an “I peaked in the 80’s & want to recreate it forever” slut bar I DID get chatted up by Cubs.  But I also got chatted up by almost everything male sober enough to see clearly.  So it IS possible the in a bar a Cougar will hunt, but I’ve been to several reported “Cougar Dens” and frankly I didn’t ever SEE that.  And I certainly don’t NEED to go to a bar to hunt, not that I couldn’t, just don’t need to so why bother! lol

Since I’d been on AFF on and off for 3 years I was an old pro at online dating.  Setting up my profile on CougarLife was just a matter of cut and paste from my AFF profile, granted with a lot of cutting as the space really didn’t need a lot of long winded explanations that you need on AFF to try and weed away the emails from some of the fetish sites linked to it.  I did post the wonderful picture of me and Sex God in DC and actually got an email from a Cub asking why in the world I would post a picture of me with a naked man when the goal was to attract guys TO me, not repel them.   I laughingly replied that the picture was the best & most recent of me and so far it didn’t seem to be repelling anyone judging by the number of emails I was getting.  I wonder if he felt intimidated by the 45 year old Sex God!?

And yes, of course, I was getting many emails a day.  Almost all of them were from men under 35.  It’s become a lovely way to start or end a day.  Check the site and answer a few emails.  Although sometimes it often turned into lots of pop up chatting conversations.  Sometimes I can’t tell whether I enjoy the conversations or the multi-tasking aspect of doing that WHILE checking facebook and working!  It think with all the clicking with the mouse, my fingers get jealous and want to “exercise” by doing several minutes of good old fashioned typing!  (I truly am a Secretary at heart!)

So lets get to the perks of the site.   Well, for one its free.  Ladies, I haven’t seen another site where this is true, but maybe its because they’re just starting out.  But I HIGHLY encourage any female who is single to give it a try while it is!  I mean, I got an email from a man who was 50!  I don’t know how old a woman has to be to qualify a 50 year old man as a Cub, but I know its not a woman who’s not quite 50 herself!  And there were several emails from men in their 40’s (and while Sex God is 44, I don’t consider him a Cub just because he’s 5 years younger than I).

I’m beginning to think the site may be cheaper or more targeted for a certain taste of man and its drawing these older “Cubs” to it.   I do know they don’t just charge by the month.  They give you the option to buy points and charge you 5 points for every email you send out.  This actually allows you to extend your time ON the site by being conservative with your points.  And when you run out of points I think you can still view profile and maybe send flirts but you can’t read any emails or reply emails sent to you.

I surmise this as there were several profile which went on and on about how they can’t receive emails so you should contact them “here” but it never worked or they never figured out how to rig it so it would show their private emails.  And also never realized that MOST Cougars are NOT going to randomly send you an email without getting a sense you are real and there is a connection.

Not to mention the fact that a Cougar is such a unique creature she’s going to want to connect with someone who feels she’s worth the money to pay for the site.  Just like she’s going to expect for you to pay for the drinks or dinner or lunch on the meet.  Yup, just like dating.  But the difference when a Cougar is involved is if she fancies you and desires to sleep with you, she’s going to do it.  She is NOT going to lead you on the dance of “Are you Mr Right” making you shell out more and more money.  Once she’s decided you’re good enough for her bed, there is often less “date” spending and more shared expenses or just plain bedding!  But you’ve got to prove you’re good enough for her bed.  So, buck it up and pay for your points.

Sorry, I got distracted! lol  Back to the story.

With my usual style I’d get an email, view the pictures, read the profile and judge a man based on what my libido said about it all.   All the while, often chatting up a Cub here or there as they popped up on the screen.  Which was rather annoying at first until I got the hang of it.  I could easily ignore it and the man would take that a “no” and pop off.  Although I’d advise a Cub to wait longer than 2 minutes before abandoning that “hello” chat bubble.  It takes me a while to pull up a man’s profile when I get a chat to see if I want to engage in a conversation.

What makes me want to engage?  Let me tell you more about what makes me NOT want to engage.  You don’t have pictures up.  Thank you, what are you hiding?  (I had one guy who listed his age as 99 years old but his pictures was a guy in his 30’s.. get it together people!)   Or there was nothing written in his profile.  Or he was from 100 miles away from me.  All these things put a Cub in the “nope” category.  Truly, if you can’t string 2 paragraphs together you don’t have any business thinking you can carry on a conversation with a Cougar.  Sometimes I just want to slap the public school system, but my kids are in public school and they’re vocabulary stuns their peers so I tend to blame the parents now.

What I don’t like about the site.  I can’t sort the emails into separate folders.  I can delete them or sort them into read and unread, but I cannot move them in to a folder I create.  I used to like to do this so I could pop the emails of the guys I liked into one folder and the ones I’d said no to into another.  Why not just delete them?  Because sometimes guys actually either forget they’ve emailed me or hope I’ve forgotten I’ve said no to them.  And it helps to have a history when an email looks familiar! lol  I may just start deleting and rely on the sent file for verification.

But this is by far NOT a deal breaker. lol.   Although I realized, as I went on several meets and set up a lovely play date here and there, that I was on a site purportedly filled with women who, like me, designated themselves a Cougar.  And I had a thought of how fun it would be to gather together at a bar or restaurant and exchange stories of how much fun they were having in this stage of their life.   But alas I cannot view any Cougar profiles on the site, only Cubs.  And therefore cannot really send out an emails to my fellow Cougars who might be in my area.  So I couldn’t arrange a Call of the Cougar or Cougar’s Night Out at my favorite bar.

Of course, when I mention this desire to my lovers, well you should see their eyes light up at the prospect.  They all want to attend this little party I desired.  Duh, but its not about THEM!  Its about ME!

Ahhh… but remember my call to the customer service girl at CougarLife when I found out I didn’t have to pay?  Well I mentioned this desire to contact other Cougars to HER and she thought it was a brilliant idea and gave me the email address of the Media department.  So I fired off a little email….

One thing that I’ve wanted to also do is meet women who are like minded about dating younger men.  I’m wondering if it would be possible to set up on your site a Group option.  Some way for the Cougars to contact the Cougars and, if they wanted, the Cubs to contact the Cubs to maybe set up something as a group in a social setting.   Or perhaps Cougar Life would like to sponsor or help me coordinate a Cougar Night Out where the ladies could get together.  We have such an unusual passion in common, I imagine it would be fun to share.  Like a book club but without the books. lol  I’m in the Los Angeles area and I’m sure there must be women like I who might be interested in something like that.   If CougarLife did a mass email to their female population they might get some interesting responses as to whether I’m the only one who thinks this would be a good idea.

And they replied very nicely that they though my ideas had merit and would forward to the right people and see about setting up something like a community on the site.  Then she shocked the bejebus out of me by writing THIS….

As well, I’m the member relations manager for CougarLife.com and am wondering if you would be interested in doing media interviews? We often get requests from magazines, newspapers and TV. If this is something you think you would enjoy, please let me know and we can schedule a phone chat to discuss.

Oh, my lord, people.  Can you imagine ME doing an interview about being a Cougar?!?!

I adore the idea and immediately answer yes, gave them several ways to contact me and listed my blog if they wanted to know more about me. lol

Although I’m seriously not sure the world is ready for the media to me the real me!  No matter how much I make the claim I’m going to do comedy on stage!

So you’ve done a little research, maybe tried a dating site or a sex site and you’ve got your pictures all ready to go.   (See my earlier post on how to do pictures

http://www.heatherbarton.com/?p=2553

and I’m sorry it says part 2 is the email but THAT didn’t make any sense… obviously the next step is the profile!)

Next step is your profile.  Which all begins with your screen name.    Although I will say that for me picking a screen name immediately screeched me to a halt in this process when I first started.   Because in choosing this I’m actually choosing a new persona.  So I needed to give it some thought.  Obviously I couldn’t have it be my real name.  Yet I didn’t want it to be cheesy, either.  I wanted to protect my privacy as much as possible, without losing my self-respect in a made up name like Isohornygirl, or something ridiculous like that. (No disrespect to the woman who HAS that name, and trust me she probably exists, it just wouldn’t represent the level of woman I was representing.)

Now, do not, I repeat, do not choose a real name as your persona.  Don’t decide you’ve always wanted to be a Tamera instead of a Mary, a Scott instead of Marvin.  Remember these people you’re meeting will think that’s your real name and immediately wonder what else you’re hiding when you reveal its not.  And sometimes the people you meet end up as a connection that may not be dating but just as valuable.  Online dating is a great way to let fate/God/karma/ whatever you want to call it, bring people into your life that could benefit you.  In fact there is a high percentage of people who USE online dating to build their trainer/massage/DJ business.  So be aware of that when you’re looking at profiles yourself.  If that person seems too good to be true, its probably a fake or pro or someone with less desire to date than to just meet prospective clientele.

Anyway, once you’ve picked your name, most sites have a little  cute tag line for you to fill out.  The most humorous  one I ever saw was, “Of course its small, Catwoman, its a Bat dick.”  Which is doubly amusing when I got to play with that man and it was ANYTHING but small!  But he has a happy, goofy sense of humor & he’d been successful on the site long enough to take the seriousness out of the whole process.   And therein lies the tip.  You are hoping women are reading that line, not men.  So DO NOT go macho Stallone in any part of your profile, including the tagline.  Your ego isn’t what she’s looking for no matter if its a sex site or not.

Now writing the profile is hard but most sites do their best to help you through it by dividing it into categories of “About Me” and “What I’m Looking For”.   And just so you know this was just as difficult for me as for anyone.  While as a woman and can go on and on about myself, I’m also a writer and will therefore agonize about every freaking word.  When I helped my friend write a profile for her Match.com profile I realized it wasn’t just me!

The Profile is usually the most difficult part of joining an online dating site.  Few people think they can or should spend much time trying to come up with a paragraph describing themselves and their best qualities.  Men are especially guilty of this.  And it’s understandable really.  Short of a resume, when DO we ever do this?  Women often turn to their girlfriends for help, but most men don’t really have that option.  Yet taking this self-analytical step is crucial for the success of your online dating experience.

So if you don’t have a “girl – friend” to try to help you this is what I suggest.  Sit down with a pen and paper and start a list of “what I’m looking for.” Why this step first?  It gets your brain thinking and its the easiest.   Obviously you’re trying to find a realistic balance between your “fantasy mate” and “that horrible ex.”  And by realistic I mean get beyond any obsessions about physical beauty and negative stereotypes.   Just because she’s got a few extra pounds doesn’t mean she’s not a sexual dynamo and just because he looks like an average Dad doesn’t mean he’s not a fun surfer who loves all your favorite bands.   You can list what you’ve learned are your favorite preferences: certain height, blondes over brunettes, curves over model thin… but don’t start naming the actresses you lust over and don’t just write down “breathing” and consider it done!  No matter how true it is! lol  And after you’ve listed the physical attributes, start on the personality you’re looking for.

So after you have this list, you need to replace these specifics with generalities.  You want a man a certain height?  That’s a fair desire, but how about going up and down in your inches range.  Do not miss out on a wonderfully compatible man based on his height.  My perfect match turned out to be 5’8″ with an absolutely geeky picture!   The same applies to age.  I’ve met men in their 20’s & 30’s with just as much sexual issues that some men get in their 50’s.  And I’ve met men in their 50’s who can out-sex a man in his mid-twenties without any help from a blue pill.  What I’m saying is use the list to help you clarify your expectations and objectives for online dating.  Because once you get past listing the physical you’ll find yourself listing the deeper things you’re looking for.  And its those things you truly want to convey to a potential reader.  But don’t be cliche about it.  No one really likes long walks on the beach.

At first when I joined I just wanted to have sex.  But as time went on I realized what I was looking for was a friendship that included fun activities and hot sex with no expectations of a permanent relationship.  In other words I wanted all the fun of dating without any of the “where is this going” stuff that most relationships end up being about.  But I didn’t know that for the first month or so of the adventure.  Thankfully, once I did realize this it was easy to go back to my profile and modify it, adding words here and there to better explain my desires.   Amusingly I got better emails by clarifying what I was looking for.  And in reading the profile of men, the ones that listed out lots of specifics about what they were really looking for made my decisions much easier.  If I felt I COULD be that woman, even for a little bit, the profile became more a possibility.  And if he listed things I KNEW we wouldn’t be compatible with, it saved us both a step in the process.  (Like Country music or Harley motorcycles…  for me that’s a pass, for others that’s a plus!)

And don’t try to write what you think we want to hear.  I’ve often read sappy profiles that went on and on about “soul mates” and “the one” .   Or worse, samples of their “erotica” all thru the profile.  Sadly, some men don’t realize that women who read erotica aren’t reading the same style of stuff that men are!  You can tell 50 Shades of Grey wasn’t written for men.

So you have your list of what you want written out, expanded into generalities and pared down to what you might realistically find on the site you’ve chosen.  And you’ve worked it into a paragraph (or two, more is better) of “What I’m Looking For”    Now you need to start a list of “what I bring to the table.”  Don’t be shy or modest.  Put it all down.  Sing your praises!  Because you are most likely going to “lawyer-ize” it up by phrasing these qualities in a way that’s less boastful.  But you cannot do that if you don’t honestly acknowledge them first.  And don’t neglect the activities you enjoy.  She doesn’t necessarily need to do them with you but she will judge you based on them.   Surfer types draw me because of their natural combo of zen and daring.   Led Zeppelin lovers not so much as they’re living in the past not the present.  But for other women they don’t like the surfer type and love the man who loves the “Classic Rock”.  So listing what you enjoy helps her/him find a connection outside of the bedroom.

Because let’s remember that even when looking for sex, the women are still going to follow some of the basic rules of dating.  She’s looking at YOU not necessarily how fabulous your six pack looks in the picture.  Although I’m sure she’s factoring that in.  The same goes for your “tool”.   Boasting about its length and width goes about as far as boasting about the expensive car you drive or how much money you make.   If she seems interested and responds, you can mention it then.  Kinda like a “perk” if you will.

Sadly, few sites let you look at sample profiles of what will be “your competition” so to speak.  Which would be helpful in the beginning.  But let me just say, as a woman who’s looked at many profiles, less is NOT more.  You don’t need to write a long novel, but the more of you that you can put down the better.    Try to make it amusing or light-hearted if you can, but if it just sounds snarky or stupid erase those parts.  Yes, the more intelligent you sound, without sounding egotistical, the better.

After all, the opposite sex is looking to find a connection also or they wouldn’t be there.