I got three posts of truth telling ex-bashing that need to get out. Sorry folks.. but it has to be done and you’ll know by the last one why.
Divorce is obviously a bitch. Those who’ve gone through it, or seen someone go through it, know this. It seems predictable that it will be filled with anger and strife. Which I believe is the real reason divorce is difficult on children.
For me its been a test of my maturity. My initial emotional reaction of “That’s not Fair!” often has to be tempered back with the calming attitude of, “Does it Really matter? Will fighting about it adversely impact the kids?”
When the ex packed boxes secretly while I was at work every day, I let it go. It’s just stuff, I told myself. I didn’t want confrontation and I certainly didn’t want it daily in my life nor the lives of my kids. His final packing was while I was away at a conference. 3 seconds after I got back he left for good. The next day I tried to keep a lid on my frustration as I discovered the things he took and didn’t take. He took half the silverware and half the good microwave Tupperware (he left the cheap plastic stuff he’d acquired). He left most of his share of our crap furniture, half of which was his before the marriage. At some things I was glad he’d left it but also irritated. I am NOT a storage unit. And he’d not consulted with me on any of this. So there wasn’t an aspect of mutual give and take between grown ups. It felt more like he took and I had to just TAKE that.
But then I checked my closet and he’d rifled through my clothes and took the X-Files jacket my brother had gifted to me for Christmas 13 years ago. I had taken it out of the jacket closet by the door and put it in my clothes.. making the unvoiced statement that it was mine. He ignored that and took it. We’d both worn it during the marriage (its man-sized) which was why it was in the general coat closet. He had it in his head that makes it his. He ignores my requests for its return.
I thought that was the ultimate test of me being nice. Because there’s a difference between taking the high road of maturity and being a doormat. I drew my line and said, “here I will not cross”. Its a fine line between “not quibbling over the little stuff” and “letting him walk all over me.” Over a jacket? Yes. That gift meant a lot to me as my brother had always thought my penchant for SciFi weird & amusing. Yet when David Duchovny brought that jacket as a gift to Garry Shandling for the Larry Sanders Show my brother asked wardrobe if he could buy it from them. For me. It has value to ME!
Its been 10 months since he filed for divorce and 8 months since he moved out. And its finally over. Neither party got 100% of what they wanted and neither party got screwed. He probably could have saved on lawyer fees if he’d spent the time to talk with me to hash out what each party felt was fair, because we ironically ended up settling for a pretty fair deal. But communication has never been his strength. So instead of paying out huge sums of money to lawyers to fight for every earned nickle and dime.. we rounded up & down, traded here and there, taking victory or giving a little in defeat as the circumstance warranted. And got it all done in one meeting.
Which was exactly what I expected would happen when my ex first suggested we “be single”, live together, pay off the debt and then see what happens. He announced that to me over a year ago. AFTER trying counseling which we stopped AT HIS SUGGESTION. I was fine with the idea of us just filing for a regular divorce, but he suggested this alternative. And that at some time we’d sit down, divvy up stuff, make plans on when he’d move out, etc. All very civilized and mature.
Instead he got very angry that I was “successful” at being single and that not only was I enjoying it, I was doing a lot of it. So after 6 months of this “living together” thing he surprises me by serving me divorce papers. Literally.. out of the blue.. 12 hours before I was to board a flight for a 4 day conference. His instigation, not mine. (Just saying.)
That was almost a year ago.
In the last 8 months we’ve learned the kids need to be with me during the week as he’s going to need to look for a job and they need someone who’ll make them do homework & projects. There will be waivers of spousal support and property interests and shares of investments, plus waivers on his share of the payments on the debt I’ve been supporting for 8 months.
And in the end I’m happy its over. Mostly happy with the end results. And happy I took the high road through most of this.
Oh and guess who has to return my X-Files Jacket 🙂 Although he tells the kids, “Here’s the jacket your mother keeps whining about.”
Oh yea.. maturity is his strong point. *sarcasm*
