I was watching a t.v. show the other day and was struck by the choices made by the characters. The man ran a showgirl-like club and he’d had an affair with one of his singers. The wife found out, insisted he not only end the affair but fire her or see him in divorce court. He did, the showgirl wants to sue and ended up in the laps of Harry’s Law (I enjoy that show!)
The twist being the show-girl was a hermaphrodite. Anatomically male & female but she chose to be female. So not only couldn’t her boss risk losing his family but if the case went to court his children might learn of his affair with someone anatomically male.
The poignancy was the way the two parties clearly loved each other. She was fighting being fired because it was the only way she could get just a little more of him, to see him. The scenes where he watched her perform, with his heart clearly dying inside him, were powerful. Most likely the very reason she fought for the relationship.
And I thought, why is he giving up love and denying himself something that makes him happy because its the “Expected Right Thing To Do?” Will his children respect him for sacrificing that part of himself for them or will they see a part of him mourn for what was “lost” and realize it was because of them. Will it truly save his marriage? If his marriage made him happy he would never had strayed. So probably doomed to end anyway.
But as people, we do this all the time. We make the “expected” choices instead of what we really want. Now, sometimes that’s a good thing. Like when we choose food & rent instead of lottery tickets & alcohol. But sometimes it means we limit who we are, what we can learn about ourselves AND about others. We choose what is expected because its known as safe, approved, what everyone else chose.
Perhaps I’ve never understood it because I’ve never been a person who only chooses the expected. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve chosen many things that people would consider “safe and approved.” But I’ve also chosen things that are not. Lucky for me, I’ve never been a person to regret decisions I’ve made. I’ve always felt the past is the past. I don’t even regret my marriage. Nor the fact it ended in divorce. I WOULD have regretted giving up my desire for freedom for some other “expected choice” of what is “proper.”
I guess the real kicker for me and this episode of Harry’s Law was the way he added her “difference” into the equation. He set aside the fact it was an affair. He set aside the fact they loved each other. Ultimately he was giving her up because he couldn’t handle the public knowledge of what people would think when imagining “HOW” they were intimate together.
Which, for me, made it truly sad. Because deep down inside if he’d really had a problem with it he’d never have had the affair. And there she was… She’d found a man that not only loved her, but loved all of her and because he was too cowardly to admit he DIDN’T have a problem with it, he was going to abandon her and break both their hearts.
My friends think I’m not romantic because I don’t “save myself for love.” When truth be known, I think I’m more romantic than they are. Love is so terribly important, so wonderful to receive and give, that I refuse to deny myself all possibilities of experiencing it based only on society’s Expected Choices of how I should have it.
I enjoy people. I want to love them all. I may express my love a little more sexually than others, but that’s because I think and feel like a guy. If my enjoyment of you makes you happy, if my love of your company makes you smile…. who am I to deny you. And if my choices are beyond the limits of others, well then, those who are standing with me…. outside those boundaries…. we get to dance and rejoice together.
Like Bette Midler sang, “God is watching us, from a distance.” If he sees us loving, does he care how? And if HE doesn’t really care.. why should everyone else have a problem with it?
